...to the point that I've been shouting inside my head "I want to stop coz I want my body back!" several times a days the past few days.
I can't seem to deal with days like this anymore, when I have a whole ugly-looking clogged, hard and lumpy wedge on one breast that doesn't soften whatever I do, supply on BOTH breasts seem to be next to nothing (OR DD suddenly loses most of her interest in nursing and doesn't bother to suck whatever in them out), and my breasts feel weird - both empty and "rubbery".
I've posted several times on here about dealing with mysterious recurrent plugged ducts (most of the times multiple plugs on one side or plugs on both sides), but since my last desperate thread, we've managed to make it another 1.5 months with me applying moist heat (up to 20mins) before and massaging my breasts during EVERY feeding (8-10/day), and being extra cautious in avoiding doing things that may cause plugs. I even sleep with a moist electric heating pad on (low; I know about the risk of burns) so I can be ready when DD wants to nurse at night. During that 1.5 months I had plugs forming almost weekly BUT successfully make them go away pretty fast with moist heat application and nursing alone. About 2 weeks ago I noticed my breasts, especially the right one which is the more problematic one, felt NORMAL just as they did before this mysterious problem began - they felt full when full AND soft, like an empty bag made with soft material, after DD nursed. I was soooo happy and thought well maybe things will be back to normal from now on. A few days later I had what I didn't doubt in the least was my period (I've been having somewhat irregular periods ever since 2 month PP), which lasted for I think 5-6 days. IMMEDIATELY after the bleeding stopped, I experienced symptoms similar to ovulation (EWCM, nipple pain). And then my breasts started feeling all weird again, rubbery, neither full with milk nor empty. And then this area on my right breast which has clogged numerous times in the past few months became clogged, and won't get better no matter what I do.
I'm so frustrated. I feel like my body isn't mine and I don't have any control over it or make any sense out of it any more. So these "mysterious", persistent, recurrent plugs are related to my cycle is seems??
And why, why, why has nursing DD ALWAYS been so hard? Poor milk removal, low supply, SNS supplementation, reflux, dairy sensitivity, slow WEIGHT gain (small baby), recurrent plugs. And throughout all those I have NEVER been able to nurse lying down EVEN AT NIGHT ever since she was 2MO due to a variety of reasons. And this girl likes to nap while nursing. So I sit so much some days my legs and hips and back ache. And she is the kind of baby that doesn't really demand, if you can imagine the difficulties that entails. And the kind of baby that is so hard to put down to sleep and sleeps so restlessly esp. during the day (I've had threads about that, too). The kind that wears you out because she barely stops playing to rest, from the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes down at night.
Several times during the past few days I've felt like I want to stop breastfeeding RIGHT NOW. However the idea also makes me extremely sad and even teary.
And my BF goal is at least two years, which I'm nowhere near now.
The other day (monday) I was home alone with her the whole day and no matter what I did could not get the plugs to resolve I became so depressed I almost neglected my baby - I didn't offer her any (solid food) lunch (I did nurse her frequently), didn't play with her, wasn't patient or loving with her...
What is wrong with me? Why at 16MO now I'm still not having a truly relaxing, enjoyable nursing relationship? (not that I don't absolutely love and treasure those days when thing are fine...)
And WHY on earth has my supply on BOTH breasts seem to be gone OVERNIGHT? Even on the side without the plugs??? No more big let-downs, no more gulping for minutes, no more swelling up with milk at let-downs...
I don't even know what I'm posting this for. You ladies have given me so much advice, support and encouragement (in my previous threads) I don't know if you have anything else to say. I guess I just need to vent. Thank you for reading.