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Thread: Heartbroken

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    555

    Default Heartbroken

    This could end up really long and I might be sobbing when I'm done, but ever since we moved my son (10 weeks now) barely latches at all. I'm so sorry. We couldn't afford to rent the van for another day or stay in a hotel, so I could not nurse him on the trip. I tried to nurse when I could while we settled in. I've been here alone for three weeks and things are NOT getting any better. He only nurses in the tub, and even then it is very weak.

    I pump 8-10 times a day and get about 6 oz so 1.5 bottles. I try to get him on other times, but he just gets so mad at me, and I get so sad. I'm severely depressed because of this.

    I'm leaving a ton of stuff out, but I need to post something. I'm so frustrated. I feel terrible because I feel like I'm not trying hard enough. I would never act on it, but I get secretly angry when he rejects me.

    Connor's dad was not very nice to me. Part of me feels this would help me not be so sad. Part of me feels I need to do everything I can to make up for him not having a dad. I'm worried my reasons are selfish. I of course want the benefits, but I know he would be fine no matter what. I wonder if I need it more than he does.

    I saw an LC and she was fantastic, but I spent all my personal money on the one visit so cant afford for her to come again. I go to the LLL meetings biweekly.

    I'm away from everyone I know, and going to school at a top ten university. I need something to go right.

    I'm sorry I always seem to be whining or have some sob story, especially since there's so many others with other things, but I'm running out of ideas. I want to nurse my baby. Even if its just a couple times a day.

    Should I keep trying? What do I do?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    The Buckeye State
    Posts
    2,079

    Default Re: Heartbroken

    Yes mama. You should keep trying. And wanting to nurse your son is not a selfish thing. EVER. He NEEDS your breastmilk and he needs YOU. The 2 go beautifully together. Your babe is still so young yet, I have absolutely NO DOUBT that you will be able to do this.

    *Keep baby skin to skin with you as often as possible
    *Have you tried co-sleeping? Babies resistant to nursing often latch and practice a lot easier when they are sleepy
    *Can you pump for a minute or two until letdown and then latch baby? This will give baby the instant gratification he is looking for because of the bottles.
    *Can you take a few days to just stay in bed with baby and nurse nurse nurse? Set up some snacks and some movies and just chill in bed with baby?
    * If he nurses in the tub, take more baths!!!!!
    *A mama on here told me once that your best tool in your belt is DETERMINATION. Be DETERMINED to make this happen.

    Hang in there mama. Keep coming back here for more ideas. I'm sure I am missing things and other mamas will come along to offer more. Keep us posted! Good luck.
    I'm Colleen
    Mama to
    Silas born May 2009 ~ Nursed 18 mos, weaned during pregnancy, unweaned at 24 months, still nursing when he feels like it
    Lola born March 2011 ~ The Mary Lou Retton of toddler nursing
    Married to Brandon
    Using cloth on both bums

    We hibernate together



  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    79

    Default Re: Heartbroken

    Sorry I might not have a ton of advice but i just wanted to give you a hug...Keep on trying to nurse your little boy...You guys both need this time together and your milk is the best thing you could give him. Do the best you can and don't get mad at yourself for having some negative feelings from time to time. We all do...but very few of us have the courage to admit it and ask for help or even just ask for a cyber hug or someone to read or listen to us...so cyberhug to you and try to find all the help you can (community organisation, play groups, mama groups, new friends, support group) so you can feel well surrounded and be the best mama you can be!
    first time mama to a gassy but adorable baby named Makayla- Wouldn't give up breasfeeding for anything in the world.

    We co-sleep, we love and

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Northern Cal.
    Posts
    4,984

    Default Re: Heartbroken

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*feedingmama27 View Post
    Do the best you can and don't get mad at yourself for having some negative feelings from time to time. We all do...
    This is the truth. Most of us have felt more or less ambivalent about breastfeeding at one time or another. It sounds like you've been through a lot. Don't let these rough experiences take away your breastfeeding relationship too! It's worth fighting for!! You will so glad you did. Hang in there.


    You can call me JoMo!

    Mom to baby boy Joe, born 5/4/09 and breastfed for more than two and a half years, and baby girl Maggie, born 7/9/12.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    555

    Default Re: Heartbroken

    Thanks so much

    I wish I had some better news, but he wouldn't even nurse during our bath. I was just SO frustrated (didn't let it show though). I don't understand. It's NOT THAT HARD. *Sigh*

    I'm just so angry at myself for letting this happen (and a little angry at the pediatrician for suggesting supplementing in the first place and my parents for giving him bottles without my permission- but that's old stuff)

    He just seems SO distracted. And when we have our skin on skin time where he's laying on my chest, he used to be so interested and try to make his way over, but he hasn't done that in the past couple days.

    I may have time to stay in bed with him alot this weekend though I have a paper due Friday so once that is in I'll have a teeny bit of time to take a break.

    you guys are so super great though everyone I've met from the meetings to online has been very nice! Thanks. Tomorrow's another day? lol

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    52

    Default Re: Heartbroken

    I encourage you to try to talk more to friends or family or in these forums. It sounds to me like you have so much on your plate. And even though you're trying really hard to relax and nurse my best guess is that no matter what you're experiencing some anxiety about it. Especially if you are laying all of this guilt on yourself. Take every day as it comes. And be greatful for every drop of breastmilk that your LO gets. No one is judging you but yourself so give yourself a break and recognize that you are doing the best you can. I think that maybe once you can accept that you're doing all you can do and can fully relax about nursing it'll get better. It might take some time but it will get better. And if LO needs some formula it's not a bad thing. You are doing the best you can to be the best mom you can and he is so lucky to have someone who cares so much about his well being. Pat yourself on the back and recognize that you're dealing with a lot. Take a few deep breaths and focus on how much you love DS and how lucky you are to be blessed with him. The more pleasant the time you spend with him the more you'll be able to connect again. Also...when you're giving formula...try using a bottle that makes it hard for him to drink out of. I breastflow bottles and I love them. Althought my DS has a heck of a suck so he still manages to gag himself with them, he still has to work he would at the breast. That might help. My DS is getting from 2 to 4 ounces of formula a day at daycare because when I'm at work I'm not pumping enough to make up what he takes. In the beginning I was devastated by that fact, but now I just believe that I'm doing the best I can and he is happy. If he's happy then you're doing it right!!! Sorry I wrote so much...I'm kind of a chatty kathy. But have fun with your son. Enjoy your time together and keep offering him the boob. It'll get easier and better for you, I know it! Keep your head up Mama!!!
    Love being a mom to DS
    Love and helps keep my sanity.
    at work is annoying but worth it for DS.
    helps me feel closer to DS since I'm away during the day.

    with my Hubby who is currently in remission from Leukemia. Everyday is a blessing!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    2,626

    Default Re: Heartbroken

    Keep trying, we had a similar past and I wish I could say everything got better at 10 weeks or something but it didn't. It was lots of work the whole first year but worth it. Keep pumping at least every 3 hrs even if he won't latch on. Keep trying to latch, though and do lots of skin to skin and sling/wrap baby wearing.
    Nursed my sweet daughter 3 years, 3 mos.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    29

    Default Re: Heartbroken

    My daughter went on a nursing strike for a month at 3.5 months, and it took that long to get a successful relatch. The most important thing I ever read was this "a child younger than a year, rarely chooses to wean"... Your son feels your aggitation, and is reacting to it. What I did to get my DD back to the breast was put her on a boppy pillow close to the breast I was going to nurse on, and have the breast out and ready. I started with a bottle for a moment to get her a little satisfied, and quickly slipped my breast in. She protested sometimes, and then we would try again. It worked the best at night. Nursing is more than just physically taking a breast, its the emotional attachment as well. That's why you feel personally rejected. So you must tell yourself "he will relatch".... If he doesn't at that time, make it seem like no big deal and try again later. He does love you, and needs you, not just your milk. You are "momma" and there is no one else in the world above you! You have both been through a transition, give yourself a break! Focus on protecting your milk, pumping as much as you can, and know this will work it's self out! Good luck mama!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    555

    Default Re: Heartbroken

    Oh goodness I cried reading these! Just what I needed after my mom told me that pumping so much for so little is "pointless" and that she doesn't understand why I don't just switch completely. I will say it is challenging having to pump, and try and nurse, and make/clean/give bottles.

    Last night he was EXHAUSTED from being up half the day (not my choice lol!) and I put him to the breast. He didn't really suck, but he was comfortable just sitting there sleeping with it in his mouth. I was so happy!

    I handed my paper in and decided to take the night off tonite, so we will be in bed together playing and sleeping and pumping. I turned the heat up high so I could be topless and comfy

    I really appreciate the emotional support. SOOO MUCH.

    I need some practical advice though. I'm not sure if I should make new threads on the appropriate forums, but thought I'd put them here.

    I'm using a Pump in Style Advanced. Is that good enough or should I consider a hospital grade pump? Also I don't understand why people have all sorts of contraptions for hands free pumping. I just kind of sit Indian style and lean forward and it stays. Should it be pressed on harder?

    My boobs are getting a workout! Connor will have 2! bottles of breastmilk today instead of one

    I also have fenugreek powder that I bought in the market in my apartment building. I'm not sure what to do with it? I tried making "tea" and. . .it wasn't very pleasant and just sank to the bottom. If there's any other easier way to ingest it, it would be appreciated! This was a large bag for a dollar compared to a weeks worth of pills for six.

    Reading some of the other forums helps! And I didn't know that I could still say I'm breastfeeding if he's getting SOME breastmilk. I feel a little better.

    Baby steps. . .

    Thanks so much!!! I am overwhelmed with everyone's kind words.

    *Oh and cosleeping- we kind of do half and half. Sometimes he ends up with me cuz he is happier there, but sometimes I NEED some sleep alone so I'm a little rested. He usually goes to sleep in his crib and I do homework, etc and I fall asleep and the first time he wakes me up he usually ends up with me. I don't think he latches on when I'm asleep, but keeping him close is always good. . .and he's so warm!

    I think alot of this is hormones. I get sososo sad sometimes but sometimes like today I feel really excited and confident.
    Last edited by @llli*katia11; January 28th, 2011 at 06:31 PM.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Houston, TX
    Posts
    1,401

    Default Re: Heartbroken

    mama. It's so hard the first several weeks but you'll get through. First of all, try not to stress because that can negatively effect your supply. Drink plenty of water and eat a balanced 'diet'. Keep practicing on the latch so that he can get a deeper, stronger latch. He'll get it soon.
    I agree with Colleen.
    Relax mama, it'll get better. If you don't feel like you're getting support IRL, you always the wonderful ladies from this forum. Keep at it. If you want to bf, don't let anyone deter you.
    Also, have you tried a different bfing position? This helped DD with her latch, especially since I had flat nipples.
    Last edited by @llli*juliet1; January 29th, 2011 at 12:01 AM.
    I'm a SAHM to
    #1 Alyssa 5/26/09 BF for exactly 25 1/2mths
    #2 Emily 11/7/11 completely self-weaned at 20 mths
    #3 Victoria 12/16/13

    New sights, new goals, new directions...

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