Frustrated, confused, and beginning to quit

[@llli*mandynj]

I suspect this will be a long post as I feel the need to get this off my chest - sorry for the length. I dont have many people to speak with about this - either they didnt breastfeed or they'll be judgmental.

I have a four year old son who was a NICU baby and I was not able to successfully breastfeed - I pumped exclusively for a few months before I went back to work and switched to formula after my stash ran out.

I have a great husband; however, he's a police officer on the night shift and I'm alone more than I'm not.

My daughter is 5w1d - we've had trouble from the start. She was a "late preterm" baby who was hypoglycemic and I was forced to give her formula at birth to raise her sugar as bf'ing didnt do it.

I had excruciating pain from the get-go - I described it as "glass through a straw." I have seen four different lactation consultants (all IBCLCs) on five different occassions, and with one I've had repeated followup phone conversations. Also consulted with two LLL leaders. None saw a problem with latch, but the last LC diagnosed me (only me) with thrush. I began a 2 week natural treatment of antifungal ointment, oral GSE tinctures, and probiotics. It turned into a severe ductal thrush infection and my daughter most likely has it in her gut. There are tiny white spots on her gums - I'm unsure whether it's thrush - it doesnt look like what Ive googled. We're both on scripts now - she on nystantin, I on Diflucan). I'm also continuing probiotics, apple cider vinegar and GSE rinses, Lecithin, oral GSE, and ointment. I had been taking garlic but I think the dose upset her more. My diet is basically protein and vegetables.

It's thought that she has thrush b/c she's absolutely miserable with gas. However, Ive also been "blessed" with an oversupply (which I think I've fixed through block feeding) and an overactive let down. She chokes, gags, pulls off, etc. I know this can cause gas too. There are a few other problems - each I've taken in stride, but now it all feels too much now.

So my infection has improved only slightly, and nursing sessions are so bad that I bawl through most of them. She's a very, very needy baby - I cannot put her down to pee or get a drink of water - and there isnt another adult to help. She isn't all that happy being held either. I cannot play with my son. He asked me for breakfast the other morning and I realized it was already lunch.

I'm embarassed to say that the pain is hurting my bond with her. It hurts all.the.time. When I nurse, the pain reaches around to my back. It hurts when she's nowhere near me. Letdowns burn. I started pumping but I cannot keep up the schedule to keep my supply up - I can't put her down to get the pump going - all the pump parts need to be boiled each time - and I have another child to care for - etc. We're both so miserable. Since Saturday, I keep making the decision to quit. I get overcome with guilt and start the cycle of pain over. I know a growth spurt comes in another week or so and pumping wont accomodate that.

Oh, and she doesnt poop. Her wets are plentiful, but IF she poops, its once a day and she goes through a lot of pain for that one.

I just don't know what to do. I dont know how to make it work. I dont know how to go on.

Thanks for listening to my frustration. I really need a "friend."

[@llli*joe.s.mom]

From everything you describe regarding your pain (burning letdown, shooting pains, etc.) I am still thinking "massive, massive case of thrush." And I have been there, OUCH. It sucks, so much! I really hope you get some relief with the Diflucan. I got so crazy when I had bad thrush that I was dusting probiotics directly on my nipples and in my baby's mouth after every feeding, in combination with OTC antifungal cream, nystatin for the LO, etc. etc. SOMETHING must have finally helped, because it did eventually go away, but who knows what??

One thing about thrush - it tends to get worse for a bit when you first start treating it, and you think, OMG, nothing is working!! But then it does start to improve. I would give all of these treatments a solid week to do their magic before you give up.

Like you, I had O/S. One good thing about oversupply is that, as much as you fantasize about "just quitting" it's actually not that easy to quit when you are making a TON of milk. I couldn't even skip one feeding w/o discomfort. Heck, even when I was feeding on schedule, I was engorged. So while I know it's unpleasant right now, I now look back on my O/S as a blessing in some ways. It forced me to just keep going, and figure it out.

If you are still suffering in a week, I would strongly suspect a bacterial infection of some kind. They can be difficult to diagnose and treat, because they sometimes act like thrush. When I hear someone has had thrush for months and treated constantly with no luck, I always wonder if something else is going on.

If you can get past this rough spot, BF'ing is going to get a lot easier for you. The truth is, you CAN bond with your baby even when you're struggling a bit. You and your baby will get through this together, and you will be amazed how wonderfully convenient and lovely BF'ing can be (also, good for your baby's health, of course, but honestly, I have kept it up more because of how convenient it is than any of the touted benefits, real as they are! ).

Hang in there.

[@llli*andrea.wolford]

oh ITs way past bedtime here... I just want to say hang in there!
and give you a hug.

it sounds like your doing all the right things.

wss:
If you are still suffering in a week, I would strongly suspect a bacterial infection of some kind. They can be difficult to diagnose and treat, because they sometimes act like thrush. When I hear someone has had thrush for months and treated constantly with no luck, I always wonder if something else is going on.

[@llli*decbaby]

Do you have a baby carrier or sling to put her in? Thats how I got to pee in the early months because mine was/still is pretty needy. Now I guess its more cuddly (he's 12 mos). Are you doing any gas drops with her? Sometimes that helps, at least they like the flavor.

All I can say about the thrush pain is that you can get through it. Its hard, I know. Those first couple months were hard on us but we made it through. Do you have anyone nearby to help with your other child? It'll get better.

[@llli*yoginimama]

Look for medela quick clean bags. They have them at target. You can microwave your pump parts in them in around 3 minutes (depends on your microwave's power) to kill thrush vs. boiling. They are so much easier! I swear! The boiling nearly drove me insane.

s

[@llli*djs.mom]

You don't have to boil all your parts of the pump everytime. Or even every day. I am not suggesting your pump feed your child exclusively. That will be double the work at least. BUT when using the pump, the whole thing can just go in the fridge. Milk is good in the fridge for up to 7 days. So you can go at least a full day without boiling anything. Just keep pulling it out and using it whenever.

[@llli*durhamgrrl]

You don't have to boil all your parts of the pump everytime. Or even every day. I am not suggesting your pump feed your child exclusively. That will be double the work at least. BUT when using the pump, the whole thing can just go in the fridge. Milk is good in the fridge for up to 7 days. So you can go at least a full day without boiling anything. Just keep pulling it out and using it whenever.

But not when you have thrush. When you have thrush you need to sterilize anything that goes near you or the baby or you risk reintroduction. Bras, pacis, pump parts, everything. I found using disposable nursing pads and changing them a lot, boiling pacis, and taking GSE helped keep it away once it was gone. I however needed 3 days worth of "one dose is all you ever need" diflucan and a whole week of it for DD. The pain is horrifying. I understand.

I had a 18 mo as well as my newborn. Thank goodness I had my mom here too or I cannot imagine how we could have managed. The moby helped a lot. A.LOT. I know how much work it is looking after one while the other one needs you. And when you are in excruciating pain. And OS. You are doing great. And should be proud of yourself. And will be when you get through this and out the other side.

[@llli*mandynj]

Thanks so, so much for your replies. I'm hanging in.

Re: probiotics directly to nipples - genius! It's added to my regiment. I've been giving them to her as well.

I have a moby style wrap and do use it. I carried my son a lot in a hotsling b/c he liked to be held too, but I dont remember not being able to put him down long enough to pee.

I didnt know I could kill thrush in the micro. I'll pick up those bags.

I already see how convenient bf'ing is - its part of why I can't see myself pumping exclusively. I remember it all too well. It was utterly exhausting to have to do every feeding myself, get him back to sleep, go pump, take care of the milk, maybe sleep 20 mins, get up and repeat.

It's just that all of these problems are on top of the "typical" new bf'er worries. I feel very overwhelmed.

I'm worried about our bonding b/c at times, I find myself simply going through the motions of caring for her - she's fed, clean, and safe. But it's hard to get past the pain.

I have 5 Diflucan pills left and already plan to get another round. I want this crap gone.

As far as the oversupply issue goes - I'm thinking it's not much of an issue, at least on one side, anymore b/c after a while, she starts pulling and twisting. I didn't think she'd do that if there were tons of milk.

So I'm hanging in...barely, but I am. Thanks for being there and being kind.

[@llli*joe.s.mom]

Re: probiotics directly to nipples - genius! It's added to my regiment. I've been giving them to her as well.

Like I said, who knows? Maybe it was placebo effect, but I thought it was kind of soothing ... If your nipples are in fact damp enough to have yeast, then they should be damp enough to grow a little good bacteria, I figure!!

I have a moby style wrap and do use it. I carried my son a lot in a hotsling b/c he liked to be held too, but I dont remember not being able to put him down long enough to pee.

My DH and I jokingly rated all available baby carriers using the standard of "which ones are easiest to pee while using." DH and I, naturally, had different criteria, since we don't pee the same way. (Try to keep your sense of humor - keep laughing to keep from crying, right?)

Anyway. We've been there. When you only have one, it's easier. And some babies are really more demanding than others. As folks who have read my threads are well aware, my Joe was born angry, loud, demanding, and light-sleeping. He is now very happy, loud demanding, and light-sleeping. So much is temperament!

I'm worried about our bonding b/c at times, I find myself simply going through the motions of caring for her - she's fed, clean, and safe. But it's hard to get past the pain.

If bonding between mother and baby required a HAPPY AND CONTENT MOTHER, many of us would not have bonded well with our babies! Okay, I hope that didn't sound too dark. But I just wanted to reaffirm, once again, that you ARE bonding with this baby, even while you are in pain and struggling. Because bonding works in these mysterious wonderful ways, and does not require that every moment be joyful or that you be gushing with happiness. That time will come, don't get me wrong (well, not every moment, but you will get to a happier place with breastfeeding), but it is not required to bond with your baby. Many of us have been in your shoes, suffering through BF'ing because we have thrush or whatever, and have lived to tell the tale and have wonderful and satisfying breastfeeding relationships. Sometimes, you kind of have soldier through, you know? And that's okay!

As far as the oversupply issue goes - I'm thinking it's not much of an issue, at least on one side, anymore b/c after a while, she starts pulling and twisting. I didn't think she'd do that if there were tons of milk.

Hard to say. That fussiness could be due to the thrush, which can give baby a sore throat, or it could be normal newborn fussiness. Fussiness at the breast is SO COMMON and sometimes there isn't a real cause for it.

However, if you are not feeling engorged, THAT is a good sign that your O/S is under control and your body is adjusting its supply to your baby's needs, just as it should. So look, one issue you DON'T need to worry about! It's getting easier already!

[@llli*wilsonduo97]

I know what you mean about the "not bonding" thing.

My daughter and I had a tough time BF also - partly due to thrush, and I really don't think I enjoyed her at all the first 6 or 8 weeks.

It just felt like a job: get her fed, clean, warm, safe - repeat.

As the breastfeeding improved so did my relationship with her and suddenly I was madly in love.

Hang it there.

Also the pain I had with the thrush while feeding was decreased a little if I lubricated my nipples a little before they made their way into her mouth, either with expressed breastmilk or - I know it sounds wierd but - a little of her slobber or mine. Deperate times... KWIM?