Last night I snipped the end of DD's binky. Just a little snip off the end to see how she'd react. She put it in her mouth and told me it was broken, that she wanted another one. I told her she'd get used to it and that was enough for her. Later I was in the kitchen and I saw the little piece of silicone that I'd snipped off. I found myself putting it in a little sandwich bag and putting it in her keepsake box and then crying.
When DD#1 was 13 months old I knew I wanted to try for another baby but didn't have my cycle back yet. I then began the process of cutting back nursing sessions at night, and then slowly during the day. Any time that she asked to nurse in public or at home when it was't time yet, I'd pop that binky in her mouth. One day she started rubbing my face every time she put it in her mouth. We could be anywhere and if that binky went in her mouth, she would want me to pick her up so that she could rub my face. Everyone thought it was the cutest thing, and so did I, but sometimes I wondered how I could have another baby when this girl spent so much time in my lap rubbing my face
Pretty soon I was pregnant and by 15 months she was down to just nursing once a day (early mornning) and by 17 months it was every 2 or 3 days (usually because I would be feeling a little engorged). I must say I didn't go through a lot of sadness when we were done breastfeeding. For one, I knew I would have another nursling soon but really, we had SO much cuddle time during the day because of the binky. Anytime she would sit on my lap she'd say, "Beenty" and we'd have to find a binky so that she could rub my face, her eyes glazing over, and perfectly content.
She LOVED her new baby sister. I'd read a lot of books and talked a lot about nursing the baby, and she seemed to understand that the baby really needed my lap and my arms more than she did. But, the second the baby was in someone else's arms she would crawl into my lap with that binky and gently rub my face and neck. It would make me a little sad to know that she was always waiting just a little bit for me to have room for her again.
After a while (hello, the girl was well over 2!) we decided to let her have her binky only in her bed. I knew this would be cutting down on our cuddle time a lot. She started rubbing her own neck for comfort while in bed, but I always got some cuddles when I'd read her bible story to her before bed or early morning when she slips next to me in bed in the morning with that binky in her mouth.
So, with her 3rd birthday approaching, I felt I needed to really take a step to get rid of the binky...I think I worry that I'm more attached to it than she is It may also be that her 3rd birthday is so close and I really am feeling a loss. It's hard to explain. I think I'm feeling all the things I SHOULD have felt when we weaned but that I didn't because I still felt so physically close to her. She is growing up so fast and I am worried that I'm missing something or that in the everyday bustle of life, and craziness of raising an almost-3-year-old, that she is missing how much I adore her. I hope not, and deep down I know I show her a ton of affection, I just can't believe how fast these days go by...
Anyway, thanks if you read this, I really needed to put it down for me because it hit me so hard last night.