This is going to be ramble-y!
As most of you know my DD was born 6 weeks early. She's now 2 weeks and 4 days old (Wednesday this week I would have been 37 weeks). That's not terribly early in the grand scheme of things, but she was also growth restricted so was born weighing only 3lbs.
I have been a bad mama. I have felt so run down and unhealthy since she was born (via c section, so recovery from that too) that I haven't been pumping anywhere NEAR enough. The last week or so I haven't been pumping at all. It's so hard to keep myself motivated to pump every 3 hours when I have an 18 month old to chase around and trying to get myself healthy, too. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself, but with the cholestasis and pre-e, and then the section and being pretty badly anemic, it goes without saying that I've pretty much felt like total crap since she was born. On top of everything my iron supplements made me sooo sick that I couldn't keep any food or drink down for about a week.
She was ready to stop getting feeds from the NG tube and they've started her on bottles. I wasn't pumping enough and now she's on high calorie formula. I do bring in a little tiny bit of milk every now and then, but I'm just getting so discouraged because the most I can pump at one time is 10ml from both sides. I KNOW that I have to pump more, and on a regular schedule to even have a hope of getting that amount increased. I know I can do it if I can pump 10ml after not pumping for a week. I just need to DO IT. I'm just scared that I won't be able to keep up with her needs after being on formula for this long. I'm terrified of the thought of getting her home, having my 18 month old to look after, bottle feeding, pumping, trying to get her on the breast...
I've only been able to try breast feeding her once when she was a few days old, but they only let me try for about 10 minutes so she wouldn't get too tired. She's on all bottles now so she's feeding well from the bottles, I'm sure I can try again. The only problem is I don't drive and my husband has gone back to work...I can't just spend my day up at the NICU. I have nowhere to send DD1 so I can just sit there for hours and do kangaroo care and try nursing.
I feel... defeated. I think she's getting close to being able to come home, she's putting on weight well on the formula and is feeding well from the bottle...just has to get better at regulating her own temperature.
If I just pump until she gets home I can start trying to get her on the breast when we get home. But I'm terrified that I won't be able to deal with all of the demands of pumping, supplementing, trying to get her on the breast, dealing with my other kid....I'm scared.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to give up and keep feeding her something that I know is inferior. How can I feel good about myself if I just give up when I nursed my first baby for 17 months. I'm just afraid I don't have the fight in me.
Someone kick me in the ass. Hard. I'm just so afraid I can't do it. I felt numb for the first 2 weeks, just happy that she's here and safe and healthy. But now I'm pissed off. This isn't the way it was supposed to be.