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Thread: Pushy MIL

  1. #1
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    Sep 2009
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    Angry Pushy MIL

    Mostly I just need to vent, maybe you LLLadies have some advise I could use.
    Here's the situation, my DH and 8mo old DS and I are currently living with my MIL and FIL. Translation: She is ALWAYS around and is EXTREMELY opinonated She is retired and I'm a SAHM. She had 3 children all of which were FF. I was unable to BF my DS1 so this is all very new territory for me. I want to do the very best for my DS and I would like to continue BFing until he and I are both ready to stop. Other than my own mother who I rarely speak to, my MIL is the most unsupportive person I've met of BFing. She thinks that at this point he should be eating 3 great big meals of solids a day and when she feeds him I've noticed she tries to cram as much into him as possible totally ignoring his cues about when to stop. Right now I feed him BM on demand and usually one "meal" of solids in a day, sometimes 2. By meal I mean anywhere from 2 bites to about 1/2 a jar of fruits and veggies, occasionally some cereal or oatmeal with fruit mixed in (like a tablespoon or so). My DH and I think my DS is doing fine this way. My MIL acts as if I'm starving him. Today she told me some babies give up their bottles at this point and just eat "regular" food, which I take to mean she wants me to stop BFing all together, which is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! I've tried telling her to slow down, I've tried explaining to her BM is the best thing for him right now, that is has more nutrition than anything else, but its like talking to a wall. I've tried to tell her my DS has a very tiny tummy and needs to eat small meals and needs to BF often and EVERY time I tell her that she acts like its the first time she's heard such a thing. She even tries to tell me random things like "so and so BF her babies and they all ate way more by this age" I don't want to be rude to her because we are living in her house, but I do know how to take care of my baby! I should also add yes, I've considered BLS but with our current living situation and the potential mess of it I can't do that. My MIL is a super neat freak and I can't deal with the added stress of that. Thanks for listening LLLadies.
    Hi, I'm Faith, a Wife, Mom, Stepmom and SAHM
    I married my best friend Rodney on October 17, 2009
    DS1 Andy Born May 11, 2002
    DS2 Ethan Born May 18, 2009 Nursed 2 years 7 months & 2 days
    DSS1 Benjamin Born September 24, 1989

  2. #2
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    Nov 2006
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    miles from nowhere
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    Default Re: Pushy MIL

    Can you just stop letting her feed the baby? You don't have to be rude about it, but just stop giving her the opportunity. If she asks you can politely say that you've asked her to do it a certain way and she didn't do it so you'd prefer to do it yourself. When she makes comments about other people's babies just don't respond or change the subject.

    I think your husband should step up and speak to her about it. it's his mother and she may be more likely to listen and not take offense if its coming from him.
    “We are not put on earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.”
    --Anonymous

  3. #3
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    Jun 2009
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    Default Re: Pushy MIL

    All babies are different. Can you tell her that? They don't all want to eat a ton of solids. My daughter didn't take to them until around 13 months.

    Do you have a high chair? Baby led solids isn't all that messy if you put a dropcloth on the floor, high chair in the center and give the baby food that way. Eventually he's going to be eating table food anyway and it will be a mess then too.
    Tracie

    Mommy to
    Lilah 10/08 nursed 25 months
    Beatrix 01/11 nursed 30 months

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
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    MY NEW HOUSE!!!!!!!!
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    Default Re: Pushy MIL

    First of all, I can only imagine how hard it must be for you living with your MIL. Sorry you have to put up with that.

    Second, :angryin at her and all other MILs who think they know better than a child's own mother what's best.

    Okay, now that that's out of the way, how does you MIL do with facts and reading? I would print out some info regarding the WHO stance on nursing to age 2, and the next time she starts talking about you stopping nursing, I would show them to her. Along with info about why babies don't need anything but BM for the first year. Not to mention bringin up the fact that he is doing just fine as far as growth. I'm sure you cna find info about why it's not okay to overfee a baby, and maybe tell her you'd like to teach her about his cues that he's done eating.

    Or there's always the quick and dirty way. "MIL you know we appreciate and enjoy living with you guys (yes, LIE ), but there are things I feel very strongly about and this is one of them. I am going to nurse him for as long as we both want to, b/c it is the best thing for him nutritionally. DH and I have agreed that the amount of solids he is taking in right now is plenty, and we are worried that any overfeeding could lead to problems. I know you care about him, but I am his mother, and I make the decisions. So please respect that, and when I ask you not to pressure us about his feedings and stop giving him so much, please do so." She won't like it, but it's the most straightforward way to let her know who's boss when it comes to him. Sometimes you've gotta upset the MIL to get the point across. He's number one, not her. And she needs to get it through her head now that you're in charge, or else she will think she can walk all over you for the rest of his life.
    I'm Shannon!
    Single, babywearing, barefoot in the grass mama to 3 wonderful babies!
    Abby 11-25-03
    Terry 9-29-06
    Kate 6-12-08
    and my Jack 11-17-02, gone to God at 11 weeks



    "While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."

    "I am going to be happy today, though the skies may be cloudy or gray. No matter what comes my way, I am going to be happy today."

  5. #5
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    Jun 2009
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    Default Re: Pushy MIL

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*norasmommy View Post
    Can you just stop letting her feed the baby? You don't have to be rude about it, but just stop giving her the opportunity. If she asks you can politely say that you've asked her to do it a certain way and she didn't do it so you'd prefer to do it yourself. When she makes comments about other people's babies just don't respond or change the subject.

    I think your husband should step up and speak to her about it. it's his mother and she may be more likely to listen and not take offense if its coming from him.
    Tracie

    Mommy to
    Lilah 10/08 nursed 25 months
    Beatrix 01/11 nursed 30 months

  6. #6
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    May 2006
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    20,999

    Default Re: Pushy MIL

    That sounds like an unbelievably stressful situation. I love my MIL, but if we had to live with my ILs I'd be

    I'm with all the previous suggestions- taking the spoon out of your MIL's hands sounds like a great way to start, BLS with a drop cloth might help (or it could escalate the situation when your MIL sees the mess and also sees how "little" your baby is eating), having your DH address the situation sounds like a marvelous idea, and if neither of those things work, I really like Shannon's suggestion to be gentle, firm, and 100% honest.
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  7. #7
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    Oct 2009
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    Default Re: Pushy MIL

    I'm sorry mama It is so stressful and hard to deal with this stuff, you just want to enjoy your baby and do the best for them but then you always have the stress and anger caused by someone like this. My parents were the same way. Always wanting to give him food. They didn't really say things against BF though, but they really didn't understand why I didn't want to do solids til he was ready. I've had to deal with other pushy people too. I've found that just giving the same attitude back or standing my ground and telling them that this is what I'm going to do works. I know you don't want to be rude, but it is YOUR baby. Just like the PP, is there any way you could not have her feed your baby? Tell her how things are going to be. She can't say anything to that cuz he is your baby and it's up to you. Btw, where is DH? Is there anything he could say to her since she's his mom?
    Megan/Meg
    Married to James 1/3/09
    SAHM to Aiden Joseph 5/31/09
    PG with #2 EDD 10/3/10

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Reading, England
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    Default Re: Pushy MIL

    Your situation is a tricky one and it is very overwhelming and deeply irritating when someone's opinions, when put across strongly enough, sound like they should be considered above your own.

    At Christmas my decisions about what Daisy should/shouldn't be eating were questioned by my dad's wife. She has also made remarks about my breastfeeding on demand too. I got fed up at Christmas after 10 months of nowhere near the difficulties you are having and just reminded everyone quite assertively that I am her mother and I will make the decisions. I did not explain my decision I just made that calm statement. There were no more comments because you can't argue with that! Nor should you have to justify why you want to do something in a particular way. I agree with pps - find ways to take the power of feeding from mil.

    Also, we do bls and I have to say that Daisy's mess is very manageable. We have a laminate floor and I don't even bother to put splash mat down anymore. I just sweep up mess and use a cloth to quickly wipe under her chair. It takes less than five minutes. We use a high chair that straps on to an adult chair. It is small enough to dunk into soapy water in our sink at the end of the day so that is no hassle either - a friend dunks hers in the bath and another hosepipes hers in the garden!! I feel confident that Daisy is then in charge of how much she wants to eat and not me or dh and certainly not any bossy relatives!

    Good luck


    I am Sarah, mum to Daisy 21/02/09

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    61

    Default Re: Pushy MIL

    I definitely agree with everyone's suggestion to stand your ground and get DH involved. However, that is really tough to do when you can't get away at all! If you think she would read materials, that seems like a great way to show her why you have made the decision to mostly BF. Maybe part of the reason she is being so stubbon is because she would not want to admit that how she raised her babies was not "right." Some more current info/research would at least make it a "new" thing that BF is best! Another thought is maybe you could get your pediatrician to back you up. Would you be able to get her to go to a Dr visit and have the ped. confirm that BFing with just small amounts of solids is ideal? Good luck!!!
    Cynthia
    Mom to Jaxon born 5/1/09. He would not so we and !

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
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    188

    Default Re: Pushy MIL

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*faith511518 View Post
    She even tries to tell me random things like "so and so BF her babies and they all ate way more by this age"
    I just felt I had to point out that this sounds soooo much like a kid trying to convince their mom to let them do something. "Well, so-and-so's mom let's them do it!". The standard response? "If so-and-so jumped off a cliff, would you?" Just saying, if you feel like being snarky, you could come back to a comment like this by saying, "So, if so-and-so threw their baby off a cliff, does that mean I should to?"

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