I have been thinking for months that I need to write DJ a letter. And I do. And I will. But I am also going to write some stuff down here. Before I forget. Because it will be here when I do. So I can be reminded of this sweet sweet love affair that I have had with my son. Through nursing. Because of nursing. I am pretty sure that when I am done, I won't see DJ anymore. Because since he got here he has been trying to grow up. Was trying to hold up his own head on day three and trying to stand since he was 2 months old. Sitting unassisted since 4.5 months. Walking at 10 months. Running by a year. Could throw a baseball by 14months. And catch one before his 2nd b-day. Jumping on that trampoline since before his 2nd b-day.
The potty training took a little longer. But just seemed to cement his place as a toddler. And as that phase of his life comes to an end, So it seems will this. And I am so proud of his progress. But there is so much bitter in this chocolate. Because once he doesn't have to come to me to have me hold him in his arms to nurse when will a child like this slow down to have his mother hold him at all?
All year it's been less and less. And all of it with my gently prodding. Which is the right thing I know. But the big boy bed, and the going to preschool, and just now the beginning of the end of nap time. Will I even remember what it was like? I hardly remember what if felt like to have to tote around a diaper bag or wash diapers. I try to so hard to remember what he looks like when he falls asleep attached to my breast. What it feels like to be physically compelled to cover him with kisses. The way it feels to nurse and have all forgiven. I get so angry sometimes. I get so frustrated. Without oxcytocin will I have any patience at all? I know I don't have as much as I should. Will I have any at all? I wonder.
We have been down to 2-3 times a day for some time now. And you know when you are only nursing twice a day you are in your last leg. You know when you can tell someone no without them putting up as fight that they are letting go. He is beginning to push away. He will get up and walk away from this table soon. And I will let him. As gracefully as I possibly can. But OH! I am so afraid that I will FORGET IT ALL. The way the characters in the Novel IT forget it all in the end. And I don't want to. But I know. That is the way we are. It's what we do. We forget so much. So soon. And I don't want to.
I don't want to forget the way he used to smile at me with my breast in his mouth. The way he STILL laughs while there. The way he STILL blows rasberries on them to get a laugh. The way even know he looks like a baby while there. Even though he no longer fits in my lap. What he looks like blissed out from his milk. The way he says "Let me have some of that DELICIOUS NOONIE." And the way he has become sheepish about asking about it. And sometimes says no to himself before I get a chance to answer. My ambivilence has become his own.. I don't want to forget that he twiddled me right into a case of trauma induced psoriasis. That I endured for months as he relearned to use a nursing necklace. Or that for the first three years of his life ANY tears could be quelled by my breast. Now it only works when he is tired. But it works exactly the same way it always did. Sweet baby DJ only cried when he was tired or hungry. Such a happy baby was he. But toddler DJ is so passionate and emotional. And I can't tell you how it feels to have someone who is crying because they can't have their way yell at you "NO! I don't want Noonie! I want you to listen to me! Or "I want to go outside!" Or "I want to watch TV!" Or have him writhe in your arms to be put down when he is crying. Writhing in my arms to get AWAY from me.
To be able to discuss the end with him before we get there, has been a gift I suppose. To be able to have him talk about a weaning party and getting excited about it.....but I have to tell you the day he finally decides he would RATHER go to Chuckie Cheese than nurse with me (and that day IS COMING) I will feel worse than I do right now.
Because last night he went to bed with my DH. Which he has been doing for sometime. But when I went back there....I thought after the long day and the party....but he didn't ask. And when I walked back there, he looked at me so tired. And then he curled into Kevi's armpit and closed his eyes. I walked away. And it's 6:15 and he didn't ever get up and come find me. Which he always does when we spend the night apart. And I went in there to be close to him. And it didn't wake him. So I came here. To write it down. Because I have been meaning to write it down for months. Because I feel it happening. I feel it slipping away. I feel myself allowing it and I know I l already have forgotten so much. And I haven't wanted to really look at it. Because it makes me so sad.
So now I am going to try again. And if he doesn't wake up this time I am coming out here to work out.