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Thread: Deeply sad about not Bfing adopted son...

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
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    219

    Unhappy Deeply sad about not Bfing adopted son...

    Not sure where else to post this, so I chose here.

    I'm still nursing my 13mo old son. It's wonderful! My oldest son was adopted from Guatemala, and he lived w/a foster mom there till he was 7mo., when I traveled to Guate. to live w/him till he came home to the US at 9mo. He is the love of my life, and my love for him is no different than the love I have for the son I gave birth to.

    But when I nurse the baby, I always look at Owen and wish for, long for, the opportunity to nurse him. The bond w/Ian (baby) is amazing. O and I are close--he is Mom's boy, sharing my sense of humor, my quick temper, etc. We are best of friends and quite in love! But that physical connection--I wish we'd had it--heck, I wish we still had it, meaning I wish I could've nursed him from day 1 and that I was tandem nursing now!!

    I'm not sure why I can't seem to let go of this little bit of grief. I'm usually good about accepting things that I can't do anything about, like this. Perhaps I feel guilty bc I get to spend that special nursing time w/Ian (but I DO spend special time w/Owen, too, no doubt!). Bc I know I'm giving Ian something that Owen couldn't have, and that seems terribly unfair when it's something so wonderful as BM. I don't know what it is I can't let go of.

    Thanks for letting me talk about it.
    ---Josie

    Proud mommy of 2 boys and a baby girl!

    DS Owen, DOB 10/28/6, 6 lb 4oz, adopted from Guatemala, home forever 8/1/6 (we met him at 4w old! Mommy lived w/him in Guatemala from 5/28/6 till he came home!)

    DS Ian, DOB 8/6/8 via C-sec., 9 lb!
    BF for 22 mo.

    DD born via vbac 11/25/11!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
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    392

    Default Re: Deeply sad about not Bfing adopted son...

    Hi there Mama. It is OK to feel that way. I gave up on nursing dd after just a few weeks and I am nursing ds who is almost 2 now. I have the exact same feelings about her. It tears me up inside -- A LOT! However, I have to realize that hindsight is 20/20 ... and I give her as much love, attention and affection that I can now.

    Owen is going to have an amazing life because of you adopting him. So, just know that! He will have so much more than he would have been able to have in his native land. So, keep that in mind when you get down. You've done a wonderful thing for him. He is lucky to have you.
    Becca SAHM to
    Veronica 10/31/05

    and Preston 10/28/07


    <--- me!
    (I love this smiley!)

    I finally got on Facebook! If anyone wants to be my
    friend.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
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    219

    Default Re: Deeply sad about not Bfing adopted son...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*beccamomof2 View Post
    Hi there Mama. It is OK to feel that way. I gave up on nursing dd after just a few weeks and I am nursing ds who is almost 2 now. I have the exact same feelings about her. It tears me up inside -- A LOT! However, I have to realize that hindsight is 20/20 ... and I give her as much love, attention and affection that I can now.

    Owen is going to have an amazing life because of you adopting him. So, just know that! He will have so much more than he would have been able to have in his native land. So, keep that in mind when you get down. You've done a wonderful thing for him. He is lucky to have you.
    How interesting--I hadn't thought about someone feeling this way bc they stopped BFing early! Thank you.

    And truthfully, I've never once felt Owen was lucky to have us. I've always, always felt WE were the lucky ones!!!!
    ---Josie

    Proud mommy of 2 boys and a baby girl!

    DS Owen, DOB 10/28/6, 6 lb 4oz, adopted from Guatemala, home forever 8/1/6 (we met him at 4w old! Mommy lived w/him in Guatemala from 5/28/6 till he came home!)

    DS Ian, DOB 8/6/8 via C-sec., 9 lb!
    BF for 22 mo.

    DD born via vbac 11/25/11!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    1,710

    Default Re: Deeply sad about not Bfing adopted son...

    I would also say that it's normal to have guilt feelings about your older child when the younger one comes along, because they demand so much attention. I'm struggling with that right now, and I don't have any regrets about how long/short I nursed. Or at least, I hope it's normal.

    Yours just happen to be centered on the one thing you didn't get with him.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Posts
    9,280

    Default Re: Deeply sad about not Bfing adopted son...



    I nursed my oldest for 18+ months, and he weaned due to my pregnancy with baby #2. I still have those feelings of loss and guilt. Knowing the connection and peace that comes from nursing, I crave that closeness with him. But I have to let go and move on, and accept the kisses and snuggles he gives me now that he is weaned.
    Lyn
    Nursing the girl with kaleidoscope eyes


    Mama to Daniel (12/3/06) and Lucy Jane (8/28/08)

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    219

    Default Re: Deeply sad about not Bfing adopted son...

    I guess motherhood is just racked with guilt from all angles!

    It's true, I also have guilt bc Ian takes up so much time, although it's not as bad now. And yes, I do always need to make sure I get all my hugs and kisses and snuggles in w/Owen!!
    ---Josie

    Proud mommy of 2 boys and a baby girl!

    DS Owen, DOB 10/28/6, 6 lb 4oz, adopted from Guatemala, home forever 8/1/6 (we met him at 4w old! Mommy lived w/him in Guatemala from 5/28/6 till he came home!)

    DS Ian, DOB 8/6/8 via C-sec., 9 lb!
    BF for 22 mo.

    DD born via vbac 11/25/11!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    8,018

    Default Re: Deeply sad about not Bfing adopted son...

    I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I beat myself up about some of the follies I made with my oldest (and probably still do). I weaned him at 6 months and would go back in time and change that choice if I could. But I love him just as much as my girls and always will, no question about that. Although he bore the brunt of some of my mistakes as an inexperienced parent, he also got the extra attention of being firstborn, which my girls don't have, so it's a trade-off, kwim?

    You could pump some ebm and see if he wants to drink it in a cup-that might assuage your feelings and would, of course, be good for him!

    Molly

    Loving mama to JP (DS, 1/03 ~ nursed 6 mos), EL (DD1, 9/05 ~ nursed 4 yrs), EJ (DD2, 3/08 ~ nursed 3 yrs 9 mos), and
    JM (DD3, 6/12 ~ currently nursing), all born naturally
    Devoted wife to SAHD P, my hero
    A few of my favorite things that I've discovered on the forum: co-sleeping, baby-wearing, tandem nursing, baby-led solids, cloth diapering, APing, selective vaccination...the list goes on

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    219

    Default Re: Deeply sad about not Bfing adopted son...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*mollyb View Post
    I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I beat myself up about some of the follies I made with my oldest (and probably still do). I weaned him at 6 months and would go back in time and change that choice if I could. But I love him just as much as my girls and always will, no question about that. Although he bore the brunt of some of my mistakes as an inexperienced parent, he also got the extra attention of being firstborn, which my girls don't have, so it's a trade-off, kwim?

    You could pump some ebm and see if he wants to drink it in a cup-that might assuage your feelings and would, of course, be good for him!
    That's true--Owen did get almost a year of our undivided attention! And before that, he had an amazing, loving foster mom who smothered him with love!

    As for EBM--that kid is so in love with his cow's milk. I mean addicted. Shakes and sweats if we run out. Turkey!
    ---Josie

    Proud mommy of 2 boys and a baby girl!

    DS Owen, DOB 10/28/6, 6 lb 4oz, adopted from Guatemala, home forever 8/1/6 (we met him at 4w old! Mommy lived w/him in Guatemala from 5/28/6 till he came home!)

    DS Ian, DOB 8/6/8 via C-sec., 9 lb!
    BF for 22 mo.

    DD born via vbac 11/25/11!

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