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Thread: Would you give up nursing if...

  1. #31
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    Oct 2006
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    There is a private forum under the title 'relationships and sexuality' that you have to have 3 months membership here and maybe 50 posts? You might want to head over there after you hit the requirements. There is always some great advice handed out, along with some wonderful support.

    Clearly, this is way beyond the scope of nursing your dd, in fact, I would go so far as to say it is barely a blip on the screen as far as his issues go.

    If I were in the position myself, I guess the question I would be asking myself is whether or not I want to be married to someone that cares or thinks so little of our marriage or our family that he could walk away, or even threaten to do so, over an issue such as this. It seems to me that if there was love and respect coming from him, this wouldn't be happening.

    Has the counselor touched on his control issues?

  2. #32
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    I am so sorry you are going thru this. I have not read all pps but in a nutshell these are my views. Nursing your dd is not the issue, he is plain controlling man and does not think much about your dd's health. What negative impact can nursing have? What negative can be in something as natural as breastfeeding your kid?

    I would NEVER let anyone Tell me when to wean my kid. NEVER!

    I think you should print some important facts about breastfeeding beyond one and read it together. if he still insists on weaning that I think HE is the problem rather than Nursing your dd.

    Just my 2c. i hope i did not sound harsh but things like this really make me angry.
    Mom to Wayne since 02.24.2007
    AND
    Keeran 07.19.2010

    My kids are my life!

    You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them - Desmond Tutu

  3. #33
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    Yes....It kind of makes me wonder if DSS mother left because she saw no other choice. It definitely seems to be "his way or the highway"
    AND the way he fathered is first child was as a SINGLE PERSON. It's not going to work when he has a PARTNER. Because those circumstances aren't normal. In the NORMAL world the mother has AS MUCH IF NOT MORE to say than a father in how a child is reared. AND specifically in terms of a breastfeeding relationship it's not normal or acceptable IMO for a person not involved in the relationship to get to dictate. The relationship is between you and the child.

    Don't bend on this. His issues are deep seated. It will Start with breastfeeding. Which will cost you and your child dearly. But it will it end there.

    OH and there are worse things in the world than being a "Hippy Granola". I could see how the insanity of wanting to use cloth diapers and eat organic food and recycle could really make you want to shy away from giving your daughter the most healthy start possible. Not to be short changed by a short sighted controlling man, but don't let it.

    Way too lazy for formula

  4. #34
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    Wow. I'm sorry he wasn't even a little bit open minded at all. I would tell him to bring me the research from accredited sources. He won't find any. I promise you that.

    Good for you for standing your ground. I think it's clear to everyone that he feels insecure that you are raising your daughter differently then he raised his son. Maybe he feels guilty that his son didn't get the same loving, nurturing upbringing your DD is. I'm sure he did the best he could given his situation but that doesn't mean you have to follow the same path.

    Has the nursing issue been brought up in counseling? Could you bring your research and resources to the counselor and get them to understand where you are coming from? Or just flat out bring up how he is using it as a means to control you? Find out why he feels so threatened by it?

    I'm hesitant to say more since no one can truly understand the inner workings of someone else's marriage, but I hope you guys can come to some sort of compromise that isn't detrimental to your daughter. Good luck mama, it seems like you have a hard road ahead of you.

    Amy married to my bestfriend since 10/30/04

    Proud SAHM to DS born 2/17/07 and DD born 9/11/08 Both weaned together 11/2011
    Currently milk, peach, peanut and tree nut free. DD has outgrown her wheat, cheese, egg, garlic, and citrus allergies

  5. #35
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    he could find just as much or MORE research supporting his views that breastfeeding past infancy is detrimental
    Prove it dude. There is NO creditable research that says nursing past infancy is detrimental to the child or the mother.

    If I could have 5 minutes with him I'd tell him that he KNOWS this isn't about nursing and to put on his big boy pants and grow up. Nursing isn't hurting the relationship, HE is. Just because he can't see how this is healthy for you to continue, doesn't mean it's not. Just because he thinks it's weird, doesn't mean it is.
    He's not a single parent anymore, he's part of a team. That doesn't mean steam roll the other parent and bully them into decisions that they don't agree with.

    What he's doing to you is akin to "you'd have sex with me if you love me" Not amused, not cool.

  6. #36
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*bunnyscooltes View Post
    Prove it dude. There is NO creditable research that says nursing past infancy is detrimental to the child or the mother.

    If I could have 5 minutes with him I'd tell him that he KNOWS this isn't about nursing and to put on his big boy pants and grow up. Nursing isn't hurting the relationship, HE is. Just because he can't see how this is healthy for you to continue, doesn't mean it's not. Just because he thinks it's weird, doesn't mean it is.
    He's not a single parent anymore, he's part of a team. That doesn't mean steam roll the other parent and bully them into decisions that they don't agree with.

    What he's doing to you is akin to "you'd have sex with me if you love me" Not amused, not cool.

  7. #37
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    there *are* in fact other mothers who breastfeed their children past the age of one, and that those mothers aren't all "granola hippies", as he put it.
    You can let your DH know that, in my experience, conservative Christian Republican families are just as likely to do extended breastfeeding as the crunchy granola ones. Ask my conservative, born-again, spare-the-rod-and-spoil-the-child, Republican neighbor who BFed all her kids until age 2. BTW, they are some of the best behaved and nicest kids I've ever met.

    Unfortunately, when presented with the research supporting breastfeeding beyond one, DH basically said that he could find just as much or MORE research supporting his views that breastfeeding past infancy is detrimental (he quoted some weirdo site of a mother nursing her 14 year old).
    I'd love to see it! I have yet to see any information from any reputable source that suggests that extended breastfeeding is damaging. Saying "I know there's plenty of 'research' out there saying extended breastfeeding is detrimental" is not the same as that being true!

    After much patience on my side, and much yelling on his, he laid down his "compromise": he wants me to write down a schedule of WHEN DD nurses, along with a plan for gradually decreasing the nursing sessions and a specific date when she'll be weaned. It felt ridiculous to me; I just follow DD's lead, I don't try to force her into things.
    Your DH's "compromise" is not a compromise. It's an order masquerading as a compromise.

    When I flat out refused, and proposed that we work on nightweaning together, he demanded that I "daywean" ("I want to see you do it"), as in, I have to prove my willingness to BEND to his desires. Um. No.
    Good for you for refusing this ridiculous demand. I'm really saddened that your DH is using your child as a pawn in this dispute. Her needs should come first- that's parenting. And as bunnyscooltes said, when you co-parent you can't have everything your way, and you can't bully your partner into doing things your way.

    Mama, I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. I am sure your DH has many fine qualities that make him worthy to be your husband and father of your child. But he has a bad blind spot.

    Let us know what we can do to help.
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  8. #38
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*Halfasianmomma View Post
    The results are in....

    ...as I expected, the discussion post-reading my thread did not go over well. I knew it wouldn't... But, he said he was going on the advice of our counsellor, who was perhaps trying to find a way to prove to my DH that there *are* in fact other mothers who breastfeed their children past the age of one, and that those mothers aren't all "granola hippies", as he put it.

    Unfortunately, when presented with the research supporting breastfeeding beyond one, DH basically said that he could find just as much or MORE research supporting his views that breastfeeding past infancy is detrimental (he quoted some weirdo site of a mother nursing her 14 year old). So, he summarily shot down any "data" I might have supporting my views. Is there, BTW, any actual research out there supporting the negative effects of breastfeeding beyond infancy? I sincerely doubt it, but you never know...

    After much patience on my side, and much yelling on his, he laid down his "compromise": he wants me to write down a schedule of WHEN DD nurses, along with a plan for gradually decreasing the nursing sessions and a specific date when she'll be weaned. It felt ridiculous to me; I just follow DD's lead, I don't try to force her into things. When I flat out refused, and proposed that we work on nightweaning together, he demanded that I "daywean" ("I want to see you do it"), as in, I have to prove my willingness to BEND to his desires. Um. No.

    I won't go into the details of the conversation because I can't even wrap my mind around how convoluted it became. It just eventually broke down into some kind of contest for DH about who is right and who gets to dictate the situation. Not exactly what I was aiming for.

    Mamas, thank you for taking the time and effort to respond to my thread; unfortunately, I think that whatever information I bring to DH will just fall away because he's already decided that his way (i.e. the way he raised DSS) is best. He holds DSS up on some pedestal, and believes that he's a stupendous child, perhaps as a way to pat himself on the back for raising him alone and in such difficult conditions. Whatever the case may be, his experience in raising DSS now dictates the way he believes parenting SHOULD BE. To be honest, I see my DD developing and growing, and I've decided that the way I've been doing things is best for her. It may change as time goes by, but right now, it's what's working. I just don't know if it's what's working for my marriage.
    Oh, mama, he is being a complete jerk. Even though my DH and I butted heads on this issue, he never tried to dictate what I could and could not do. The control issue seems to be huge for you guys.

    As per the smart mamas below, I 1000% agree that if your DH claims he "could" produce this evidence, put him to his proof as they say in the legal world. He can't expect you to prove a negative.
    Here's what I told me DH: "Every piece of research I've seen supports nursing at least until 2 years if not longer. I've read the research and if you don't trust me, do your own research and get back to me. If there is credible research to support your position, I am willing to discuss it." Yeah, he didn't come up with anything. In the end he admitted it was a cultural hang-up, and that was a stupid basis upon which to make any decision. (I also made some concessions, such as the nightwaking being hard on me in terms of being really tired. I did agree to revisit the issue when she turned 18 months and of course, by then she had already dropped some night feedings of her own accord. Some people seem to think you have to force your kids to your will instead of letting them get there without pushing them.)

    Did you talk about breaking down his concerns and coming up with ways to address them individually? Something like "I really don't think breastfeeding is the problem, but I want to work together on this. Let's take a look at each of your concerns one at a time and try to get through each one without arguing. If we start arguing, then we can leave it alone and move to the next one, or take a break." Write down what you discuss. Maybe this is a conversation you can have with the help of your counselor. It seems to me, if he's not willing to do this, he is not making a good faith effort.


    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*amy.marie View Post
    Wow. I'm sorry he wasn't even a little bit open minded at all. I would tell him to bring me the research from accredited sources. He won't find any. I promise you that.

    Good for you for standing your ground. I think it's clear to everyone that he feels insecure that you are raising your daughter differently then he raised his son. Maybe he feels guilty that his son didn't get the same loving, nurturing upbringing your DD is. I'm sure he did the best he could given his situation but that doesn't mean you have to follow the same path.

    Has the nursing issue been brought up in counseling? Could you bring your research and resources to the counselor and get them to understand where you are coming from? Or just flat out bring up how he is using it as a means to control you? Find out why he feels so threatened by it?

    I'm hesitant to say more since no one can truly understand the inner workings of someone else's marriage, but I hope you guys can come to some sort of compromise that isn't detrimental to your daughter. Good luck mama, it seems like you have a hard road ahead of you.


    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*bunnyscooltes View Post
    Prove it dude. There is NO creditable research that says nursing past infancy is detrimental to the child or the mother.

    If I could have 5 minutes with him I'd tell him that he KNOWS this isn't about nursing and to put on his big boy pants and grow up. Nursing isn't hurting the relationship, HE is. Just because he can't see how this is healthy for you to continue, doesn't mean it's not. Just because he thinks it's weird, doesn't mean it is.
    He's not a single parent anymore, he's part of a team. That doesn't mean steam roll the other parent and bully them into decisions that they don't agree with.

    What he's doing to you is akin to "you'd have sex with me if you love me" Not amused, not cool.
    again. That being said, IMO mama has the final word, the trump card if you will, on breastfeeding decisions. The father or partner can certainly weigh in and normally I am all about co-parenting and making decisions together. But in the end the bfing decision is the mama's. You CAN stand strong for you and your LO! Don't you take the blame for his immaturity and ignorance, and don't let him convince you that if you refuse to wean, YOU are causing the downfall of your marriage. That is all his doing.
    Last edited by @llli*mollyb; August 24th, 2009 at 08:19 AM.

    Molly

    Loving mama to JP (DS, 1/03 ~ nursed 6 mos), EL (DD1, 9/05 ~ nursed 4 yrs), EJ (DD2, 3/08 ~ nursed 3 yrs 9 mos), and
    JM (DD3, 6/12 ~ currently nursing), all born naturally
    Devoted wife to SAHD P, my hero
    A few of my favorite things that I've discovered on the forum: co-sleeping, baby-wearing, tandem nursing, baby-led solids, cloth diapering, APing, selective vaccination...the list goes on

  9. #39
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    I agree with the mama who suggested you might really grow to resent your hubby if you do wean. I also agree that his insistence on this is likely a manifestation of other problems/issues he is having... possibly feeling shut out. It's a great idea to bring this issue with you to counseling. There has got to be a way to work it out with him while continuing to provide the best for your daughter... he just needs to be convinced of how good it is for her. And he needs to be convinced of his importance in your lives despite not being a part of the nursing. He needs his own space of time with you and also his own space of time with your daughter. I wish you the best!

    Oops... new to the site & didn't realize I had missed the most recent posts! Sorry to hear the talk didn't go well
    Last edited by @llli*happymomma; August 24th, 2009 at 10:27 AM. Reason: Missed the most recent posts!

  10. #40
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    Jul 2008
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    As I read this thread it really makes me sad to see someone having such a hard time in this manner. But I am also alarmed at how controlling DH seems to be. IMO, He really seems to be hiding his issues by making nursing an issue. Please be careful. I have personally seen with someone I am very close to that a control issue can grow over time and become a nightmare situation.

    Babies are smart and they can sense what is going on around them. Putting aside all the nutritional benefits of extended nursing, I would think that your DD really needs it now for the emotional stability that it brings.

    I sincerely hope that everything works out for the best.



    Mommy to 2 sweet girls, 3 and:16 months and counting

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