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Thread: Would you give up nursing if...

  1. #11
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*amy.marie View Post
    Honestly?
    I'd tell my DH to pull his selfish, ignorant head out of his a$$
    Sweetpea, I just love you.

    FTR, I nursed my DD1 until I weaned her (with love) when I was 6mos pregnant with DD2. My DH was fully behind me the whole time and was even ready for me to tandem nurse them both. I had never had a high sex drive and he was leery of me experiencing another bout of PPD, but did not at any time suggest that I wean. To be frank, if he did, he would've gotten a No from me. Period. The same as he did when his mother planted the seed of doubt in his head regarding our cosleeping. That was shut down with the quickness.

    IMO, something else is at play for him but it's very easy and convenient for him to point to your BFing at being at the heart of the matter. Society condones his actions so it must be right, right? Wrong.

    Mama to my little Diva: Miss K (7/15/06)
    And her little sister: Lulu Pie (3/21/09)

    "Don't toush da mango"
    One-handed typer Extraordinaire!
    My body creates, houses, nurtures and nourishes life. That is awesome.
    Kegel Kop says: TIGHTEN UP!

  2. #12
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    NO. Nursing is not causing a great strain, your DH's attitude is causing the strain. But, I understand, I assume you love him and don't just want to tell him to ___ off and ignore his concerns. I felt the same way about my DH when DD1 turned one and he was POed at me for continuing to nurse her (I weaned DS at 6 mos, but that is another story.)
    Parenting can be stressful, it changes the dynamic between spouses for sure, but that can't all be put on nursing. It's the needs of this new little person, not just for nursing, that are the main source of the "problem." Only it doesn't have to be a problem, you CAN find a new normal if you work together.

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*Halfasianmomma View Post
    ...it caused great strain on your marriage?

    I'm posting this at my DH's request, because he wants to see what like-minded moms would say about his concerns.

    My DD is now 13 months old, and she still nurses a lot. Generally, she'll nurse once in the morning, at daycare drop-off (though sometimes she forgets), once in the afternoon at daycare pick-up, maybe once in the evening, and then right before bedtime. Then she'll nurse maybe 2-3 times during the night. That's a total of 6 or 7 times in a 24 hour period, though it can be more or less depending on teething or illness or fun toys to play with.

    This sounds a lot like both of my girls at that age. Not abnormal at all.

    I WOH full-time, so my DD's in daycare. She eats solids there, and has a meal of solids at home in the evening. She has NEVER taken a bottle, though she'll take a sippy of EBM and soy milk at daycare, as well as a lot of water.

    My DH believes that nursing past the age of one is detrimental to both myself and DD.

    He sounds something like my DH was when I decided to keep nursing my DD1 past age 1 (and he came around eventually!). Many of your DH's "beliefs" are just plain wrong, factually speaking. I could say I believe in the tooth fairy but that doesn't make it true. Also, looking for solutions to his concerns rather than assuming that weaning is the solution to everything is a good idea IMO.

    a) he doesn't believe that breastmilk has any nutritional value past the age of one ("it's just a drink").

    Just plain wrong. Facts about nursing past one.

    b) he thinks that it makes it impossible for others to babysit DD since she likes the boob for comfort and she can't go to sleep without it.

    I have this same issue, but I don't see it as a problem long term. Until my babies are old enough not to need me to nurse to sleep, I try to be home for them at bedtime. First, this time will pass all too soon, as I know from my older children! Second, you can still go out together during the day or early evening and get a babysitter then. Why not have lunch and see a matinee, or something like that?

    c) he also feels that DD is very "clingy" and needy because I still nurse her

    Long term, the attachment you are forming now will make her more confident and independent as time goes on. Most one year olds favor mama above all else whether they are nursing or not. In fact, some of the clingiest kids I know were not bfed or only for a short time. This is normal, not some problem caused by BF. If she weren't asking for BF, she would probably be wanting you to hold her or asking for a paci just as much.

    d) he feels that it greatly interferes with our sex life because I have a low drive

    IMO this is a valid concern. Sex is important and lack of sex can lead to an irritable DH! Can you find it within yourself to make time/effort for sex, even if you have a low drive? Wine and lube are popular suggestions around here. This is obviously a very sensitive issue, but I encourage you to work with your DH on this and try to make the time and effort for sex. Sorry if that's too personal, just my BTDT advice!

    e) he says that the fact that I cosleep with DD so that DD can nurse at night makes me tired and depressed, which impacts our life in general, as well as my health

    Parenting a baby/toddler is tiring, period. Co-sleeping may actually help you get more rest than you would if you had to get up every time at night to nurse her. I didn't co-sleep with DD1 and I was a zombie for all the night waking. And she did wake at night, regardless of the fact that we never co-slept. You could consider putting the wheels in motion to transition her to a crib at some point. Currently, I lay my DD2 down to sleep in her crib in our room the first part of the night, and she usually ends up nursing in our bed at some point. She slept in our bed, with the crib side-carred, up until about a month ago. Have you read the book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley?

    f) he says that I keep nursing DD to feel important

    You are important. My DH said this to me too and it made me so angry. You are important, you are the most important person to your child right now and that is not just because of nursing! That is as nature intended. And I say this as a professional working mother with a DH who stays home with our kids.

    g) finally, he believes that I'll always have an excuse to keep nursing DD (i.e. teething, illness, comfort), much like he'll always have an excuse to keep smoking or drinking beer.

    Teething, illness, etc. are not "excuses" they are valid reasons, most of which become very important during the second year of life. My DD2 just got 6 teeth AT ONCE and I was so glad for nursing!! The antibodies in your milk will help keep your child healthier and get over illnesses faster! How are these awesome benefits to bfing comparable to his excuses for smoking and drinking beer? Bfing is beneficial, smoking is definitely not, and drinking to excess is not. He is living in opposite land.

    We're in counselling right now, and obviously there are many other issues at hand, but my DH put it this way: which is better, nursing DD until she decides to wean or having her father there in her life? I guess it's sort of a either/or situation for DH, and I think he feels so strongly about this that he think it'll destroy our marriage.

    No, no, no. Nursing is not going to destroy your marriage. If she has a father who doesn't care what's best for her and has no basis in fact for his beliefs about nursing (e.g. it had no nutritional value!), then yeah, I think she's better off without him! Harsh but true. That being said, I would definitely break his concerns down issue by issue and find out what you can both do, short of weaning, to address them. In the end, I actually plead with my DH that Bfing was super important to me and DD1, and I was willing to work with him on his concerns but I NEEDED his support. Eventually this message got through to him.

    FTR, my parents have successfully babysat DD many times, and have both managed to put her to sleep without the boob (or sippy of EBM and soy milk worked fine). Her DCP also put her down for naps with a backrub. And my DSS has also managed to put DD down for a nap with his own method.

    That's great! So what is your DH's problem?

    I'll withhold my own views here in order not to color people's responses to my post.

    So, what do you think mamas? What would you do?
    I would call your DH out on his beliefs that have no basis in fact, recognize where he has valid concerns, and find ways TOGETHER to address those concerns. Remind him that you are on the same team and above all, both want what is best for your daughter. Yes, part of that is a healthy marriage, but nursing and a healthy marriage are not mutually exclusive unless he makes it that way. This requires an attitude adjustment.
    If your DH is reading this, I hope he doesn't take this as bashing but an honest attempt to help by a mama who has BTDT and come out the other side with happy, healthy LOs AND a happy, healthy marriage. Best of luck to all three of you.

    ETA: I am glad to hear that you two are in counseling as well. We have BTDT too and I think it can be very valuable, not a sign that you're doomed! I'm glad to hear your DH is making an effort in that regard.
    Last edited by @llli*mollyb; August 21st, 2009 at 09:26 AM.

    Molly

    Loving mama to JP (DS, 1/03 ~ nursed 6 mos), EL (DD1, 9/05 ~ nursed 4 yrs), EJ (DD2, 3/08 ~ nursed 3 yrs 9 mos), and
    JM (DD3, 6/12 ~ currently nursing), all born naturally
    Devoted wife to SAHD P, my hero
    A few of my favorite things that I've discovered on the forum: co-sleeping, baby-wearing, tandem nursing, baby-led solids, cloth diapering, APing, selective vaccination...the list goes on

  3. #13
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*mollyb View Post
    NO. Nursing is not causing a great strain, your DH's attitude is causing the strain. But, I understand, I assume you love him and don't just want to tell him to ___ off and ignore his concerns. I felt the same way about my DH when DD1 turned one and he was POed at me for continuing to nurse her (I weaned DS at 6 mos, but that is another story.)
    Parenting can be stressful, it changes the dynamic between spouses for sure, but that can't all be put on nursing. It's the needs of this new little person, not just for nursing, that are the main source of the "problem." Only it doesn't have to be a problem, you CAN find a new normal if you work together.



    I would call your DH out on his beliefs that have no basis in fact, recognize where he has valid concerns, and find ways TOGETHER to address those concerns. Remind him that you are on the same team and above all, both want what is best for your daughter. Yes, part of that is a healthy marriage, but nursing and a healthy marriage are not mutually exclusive unless he makes it that way. This requires an attitude adjustment.
    If your DH is reading this, I hope he doesn't take this as bashing but an honest attempt to help by a mama who has BTDT and come out the other side with happy, healthy LOs AND a happy, healthy marriage. Best of luck to all three of you.

    ETA: I am glad to hear that you two are in counseling as well. We have BTDT too and I think it can be very valuable, not a sign that you're doomed! I'm glad to hear your DH is making an effort in that regard.
    Thank you Molly for being a grown up. I let my anger and knee jerk reaction color my post and I'm sure it wasn't helpful to the OP. I was going to come back and try to be more mature and reasonable but you covered all that for me and then some.

    Amy married to my bestfriend since 10/30/04

    Proud SAHM to DS born 2/17/07 and DD born 9/11/08 Both weaned together 11/2011
    Currently milk, peach, peanut and tree nut free. DD has outgrown her wheat, cheese, egg, garlic, and citrus allergies

  4. #14
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*amy.marie View Post
    Thank you Molly for being a grown up. I let my anger and knee jerk reaction color my post and I'm sure it wasn't helpful to the OP. I was going to come back and try to be more mature and reasonable but you covered all that for me and then some.
    That was my initial reaction too, and actually your reaction probably did help OP feel validated. But having BTDT and knowing my DH is not the epitome of all that is evil , I tried to step back and remember what worked for us.

    Molly

    Loving mama to JP (DS, 1/03 ~ nursed 6 mos), EL (DD1, 9/05 ~ nursed 4 yrs), EJ (DD2, 3/08 ~ nursed 3 yrs 9 mos), and
    JM (DD3, 6/12 ~ currently nursing), all born naturally
    Devoted wife to SAHD P, my hero
    A few of my favorite things that I've discovered on the forum: co-sleeping, baby-wearing, tandem nursing, baby-led solids, cloth diapering, APing, selective vaccination...the list goes on

  5. #15
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*Halfasianmomma View Post
    a) he doesn't believe that breastmilk has any nutritional value past the age of one ("it's just a drink").http://breastfeeding.hypermart.net/nursetoddler.html This is a good article and has a lot of helpful links.
    b) he thinks that it makes it impossible for others to babysit DD since she likes the boob for comfort and she can't go to sleep without it. Extended breastfeeding and attachment parenting actually help children become more independent than forcing them to act independent before they're ready.
    c) he also feels that DD is very "clingy" and needy because I still nurse her You know, I can understand his association of those tow things, but I would throw out an alternate cause and effect possibility. Maybe you are still nursing her because she still needs it. Maybe she feels clingy because she senses the conflict between you and your DH, or because she senses that he wants you to wean her and she's not ready?
    d) he feels that it greatly interferes with our sex life because I have a low drive I'm going to say something unpopular here. I think he might be right about this, but I don't think the solution is to wean. I think the solution could lie in the two of you spending time together as a couple, intimate time, not at a movie or taking a drive, but sitting together and talking or snuggling, or something. And be sexual. Whether or not your libido has kicked in. I think taking care of our partner's sexual/intimacy needs is part of the contract we make with them. There is enjoyment to be had by providing enjoyment.
    e) he says that the fact that I cosleep with DD so that DD can nurse at night makes me tired and depressed, which impacts our life in general, as well as my health Is he right about this? If he is, are there other ways the two of you could address your fatigue and depression besides completely weaning? Maybe nightweaning? Or stop cosleeping? I wonder if the depression might be in part due to the conflict between you and your DH. But, if you ARE depressed, I don't see weaning as helping that, since you will no longer have the oxytocin boosts at regular intervals.
    f) he says that I keep nursing DD to feel important You ARE important! And it bothers me that he wants to take from you one of the most important things you do.
    g) finally, he believes that I'll always have an excuse to keep nursing DD (i.e. teething, illness, comfort), much like he'll always have an excuse to keep smoking or drinking beer. There is a season to every thing. Nursing has its time, and when it is over, it is over. Plain and simple. But it's not over just because someone else decides it is. The time in which your daughter needs to nurse is determined by your daughter. And you, to an extent, depending on how willing you are to nurse her as long as she wants. But she won't want to forever. And she's NOT nursing because she is addicted to it. To compare feeding and nurturing your daughter to using addictive substances is, frankly, as offensive as it is misguided.
    I'm so sorry you are having this conflict. I understand how hard it is. My response was just that I wasn't going to wean until our son was ready, or until I hit MY wall of how long I can go. I know it makes my partner feel uncomfortable, but to my mind, his discomfort is worth our son's health and development and emotional well-being. I understand our men's sense of being left out, too, but we as parents have the intellectual capability to reason through this and make sacrifices and be patient. Our babies do not. Parenting is all about doing for our kids. They are only little once. We only have this one chance at nurturing them. They only get one shot at growing up healthy and feeling loved.

    I wish you strength.
    Last edited by @llli*duckpond; August 21st, 2009 at 09:47 AM.
    Teal

    25 May 96 and 14 January 08 and 27 February 2012

  6. #16
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    great posts moms!
    I don't have anything to add other then a big hug.
    ITs great that your talking with somebody.
    I hope you can work this out...

    Weaning isn't going to make his life any easier, thats for sure!

  7. #17
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    Let me add the following:

    DH has raised DSS on his own for 2 years, and since biomom wasn't around, DSS was bottle-fed, STTN at 6 months and DH used CIO as a means to achieve this. My DSS is now a wonderfully loving 12 year old boy, which my DH cites an example of how CIO and weaning can yield a perfectly normal and healthy child.

    To this I have answered that DD is not DSS, and that each child is different, in addition to the fact that I am NOT willing to do CIO.

  8. #18
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    keep talking you guys will get to the bottom of it!

  9. #19
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    mama im so sorry your DH and you dont see eye to eye. I cant imagine how hard that is on your marriage..

    hopefully you can pull out these resources and show your DH the benefits of nursing.. and she will eventually STTN and wean, just at a different pace than your DSS. Its just a gentle approach to the same end result.

    i hope he is willing to try to see things from your point of view. Just try to stay patient

    ETA: oh and to answer your question, i wouldnt wean b/c of my DH wanting me to
    Student aspiring to be a Chiropractor and mother to Noah who will be 3 in July and Olivia who will be 2 in Aug.

  10. #20
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    Default Re: Would you give up nursing if...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*Halfasianmomma View Post
    Let me add the following:

    DH has raised DSS on his own for 2 years, and since biomom wasn't around, DSS was bottle-fed, STTN at 6 months and DH used CIO as a means to achieve this. My DSS is now a wonderfully loving 12 year old boy, which my DH cites an example of how CIO and weaning can yield a perfectly normal and healthy child.

    To this I have answered that DD is not DSS, and that each child is different, in addition to the fact that I am NOT willing to do CIO.
    Choosing to do things differently this time is not a judgment on the choices he made then, which I will assume were the best he did with what he had at the time. I weaned DS at 6 months and CIO and yes, he's a pretty cool 6-yr. old, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't have had a better start if he's been APed. Of course they are different children, but I find that my DD1 is more independent, less scared to try new things, and even more empathetic than DS a lot of the time. DS seems to get upset and stressed out more easily. Could the differences in how we parented them early on have made a difference? I think so.
    As for your DSS, citing one child as evidence of the superiority of early weaning and CIO is simply anecdotal evidence when it comes down to it, in other words, not very reliable.
    Your DH seems to want to blame everything on nursing. Again, I'd say start from a place of agreement: you both want what's best. I commend him for caring for his DS without his biomom, but things are different this time and that need to be acknowledged. You ARE there, you are available to breastfeed your child and the information you have is different than what he had years ago. I can't stress enough the importance of breaking his concerns down to manageable parts and not assuming weaning will solve any of them, because it won't!

    Forgot to mention, my DS was sick a lot more as a baby after he was weaned. DD1 was almost never sick or had only really mild colds. Of course, that's anecdotal as well, but is consistent with medical research showing that BFed children are healthier.
    Last edited by @llli*mollyb; August 21st, 2009 at 10:06 AM.

    Molly

    Loving mama to JP (DS, 1/03 ~ nursed 6 mos), EL (DD1, 9/05 ~ nursed 4 yrs), EJ (DD2, 3/08 ~ nursed 3 yrs 9 mos), and
    JM (DD3, 6/12 ~ currently nursing), all born naturally
    Devoted wife to SAHD P, my hero
    A few of my favorite things that I've discovered on the forum: co-sleeping, baby-wearing, tandem nursing, baby-led solids, cloth diapering, APing, selective vaccination...the list goes on

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