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Thread: Did any of you have to convince your dh...

  1. #31
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
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    863

    Default Re: Did any of you have to convince your dh...

    awww...thanks! I'm glad it made sense to someone-- I think it was a good bit of therapy for me!
    Kristie L.
    LLL Leader
    (the poster formerly known as fezzik812)
    Wife to Brett, Mommy to Seamus (5.1.05), and Emelie (1.18.08)
    "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."- Ghandi

  2. #32
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
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    Thumbs up Re: Did any of you have to convince your dh...

    Thankyou for sharing about your husband. It was comforting to know that someone else has been through similar situation.

  3. #33
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    Jan 2006
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    Default Re: Did any of you have to convince your dh...

    Another idea that hasn't been shared yet, as far as I can tell, is to shower the husband with some attention just for him, as his wife. Breastfeeding and attachment parenting styles don't have to be a drain on a marriage. Perhaps some fathers begin associating weaning with "getting back what they had" before baby: their wife! But many mothers/wives do find ways to connect meaningfully to DH (dear husband) even after baby has been around for awhile! And as we know, baby isn't going anywhere! Even when baby weans, and during the weaning process, baby needs mom/dad even more and in different ways, so weaning may not necessarily make it all better. It just may seem like the "magic solution" sometimes.

    Mothers have important jobs to care for little ones, and dads have an important role in supporting the mother and baby, but it's important to keep in mind the importance of the marriage relationship. Sometimes, fathers feel like the odd man out, like baby has taken his place in his wife's heart. Many mothers do "fall in love" with baby, which is normal, but perhaps not what dad expected! Perhaps recognizing a husband's valid feelings of displacement and seeking for and carrying out ways to help him feel cared about may ease his anxiety of adjusting to having someone share his wife. Mothers try to do this for toddlers when a younger sibling arrives...why not apply the idea to husbands?

    Now, to know if this above description fits what is going on in your family is absolutely up to you--you know your situation best. But perhaps someone here may recognize something as described above happening and may be interested in trying to connect in meaningful ways with their partner.

    One analogy to help frazzled, overworked mothers understand the idea of baby joining the family, in dad's eyes, has been phrased something like this:

    Imagine that your husband brings a new wife home. He explains that even though this new person will be taking most of his time now, he will love you the same way he did before she came along. So, sometimes (like, hardly ever compared to BEFORE "new wife") you spend time together, but even when he and you are alone, all he talks about is this "new wife". What's with that??

    In that situation, some wives may try their best to downplay or get rid of that "new wife", too! Now, maybe not all mothers exclude baby's dad, but some dad's feelings may lean that way.

    Trying to empathize with a partner can be very difficult, especially when being verbally attacked by that person, or when all a mother can think about is how to fit a shower into her daily routine. But sometime after baby comes along, the connecting to spouse issue will pop up. It can be a difficult adjustment to make, learning how to reinvent oneself as a wife and continue to be a mother. It can be helpful to learn new ways to connect as partners with a baby around!

    Some women find that making a special meal he enjoys melts his heart, helps him feel like he is still number 1 in her eyes. Some couples decide to go on a date once a week, with or without baby. Some couples enjoy hiking in nature, with baby along in a carrier. Some couples meet for lunch. Or doing something together that they enjoyed very much prior to baby's birth (like: SEX). Many mothers have a lowered libido after baby's birth, due to hormonal changes, exhaustion, etc. So, knowing and honoring one's own limits is wise. The idea is to show your partner you care, in whatever way is meaninful to HIM. This doesn't have to be done with a martyr's air--remember, he is the man you fell in love with before baby...it may take some time and effort to renew the relationship, in light of so many changes for everyone after baby's birth.

    A woman may be surprised at the amazing effect this attention-giving focus has on husband and on herself. Sometimes it takes immense willpower to begin, but with time, patience, and practice, one may be surprised to feel it getting more enjoyable to connect as spouses, and not just as "mom and dad".

    Perhaps some of these ideas will work for you, and perhaps you find none of them work. In any case, doing what fits your family's needs is top priority. Hopefully something here helps!

    --Eve

  4. #34
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    Mar 2006
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    Default Re: Did any of you have to convince your dh...

    Eve--that was wonderful! I guess I should share, since I am the op here, what ended up working for me...in convincing my dh to support our continued nursing relationship.

    Dh was, as was the case in fezzik812's relationship, feeling as though I had lied to him about nursing. But, also like fezzik812, I never intended to nurse beyond 3 months, let alone nurse beyond 1 year. So, in a way, I had lied to myself too. When dh and I discussed the benefits (the biggest one, actually, the one that "sold him on it" was that if we nursed for 18 months or more we would be nursing through another flu season, which would provide dd with excellent immunities!), he really started to understand why I wanted to continue.

    He was also feeling left out of dd's and my life...like he was an outsider looking in on this beautiful life. He wanted to spend some quality time with both of us, away from the other. We do a lot as a family, and there are a lot of times that dd and I do stuff together, but he rarely gets one without the other. Much to my surprise, he really wanted to have some one on one time with the baby...to further his fatherly bond. So, we are working on ways, that after she turns 1, he can do that...some overnight trips for him and dd, and maybe even one for the two of us, if we can find someone who doesn't mind waking with dd every 2 hours in the night .

    And, we are working on having some date nights...although finding a sitter I trust with my very high needs little girl has been difficult, to say the least. I guess, what he really needed, was to understand what happened to the "I'll nurse for 3 months mentality" and then to feel included in the tightknit little bond that dd and I have. He has also been spending way more time with her...which is showing in the attachment she is forming with her daddy. And I have had a little more time in the evenings to do things I enjoy, in peace!

    Erin
    Wife to a grizzly
    Mama to my little deer (12/05) my loving bear cub (9/07--), and our little tiger (3/22/10)
    Born by one c-section and 2 amazing VBACs


    Miles in 2012: 350.5/900 (Actual Miles Ran: 189)
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    January Miles: 37.5/75
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    227.5 miles on my new shoes
    338 miles on my old shoes

  5. #35
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    Aug 2006
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    Default Re: Did any of you have to convince your dh...

    I haven’t checked in with this thread for while! Wow-what a wealth of perspectives and experiences to draw from. Thanks, everyone!
    I posted earlier about how DH and I were having this problem also, and know what? Things are really going great these days! We still haven’t gotten DD (13 mos.) to take a bottle again, in fact we have pretty much given up trying. She gets some BM during the day in a sippy and in her cereal, but mostly she BFs from the source 4-5 times between the hours of 5:30 p.m. and 7:00 a.m. I’m up 1-2 times during my own sleepy time, but she nurses and goes right back to sleep. AND most significantly to DH, she is now going down for her naps during the day just fine, without a bottle.
    I think that was really the main source of his frustration, so he’s pretty happy about things now.
    I think another big issue to him was that the “original plan” was to BF for only one year and then wean. I respected this POV, but simply presented the case for extended BF in all the ways I could think of, both from a personal and “scientific” perspective. I told him it would not make sense to stick to an arbitrary time limit when there was really no good reason to do so. After all, I am the one who has to wake up in the night, I am the one who had to endure mastitis and sore nipples and everything else to get to this point, the sweetest time in our nursing relationship so far. That said, I also told him that it was HIS SUPPORT that helped me make it through all the tough times, and his continued support would mean the world to me and Eva.
    Anyway, things are going well and I am in no hurry to night wean. I will also strongly agree with pps who have discussed how important it is to maintain your relationship with DH, though, so he doesn’t have to feel that extended BF is like a long, cold winter with no end in sight.
    There is, in fact, no end in sight for mine and Eva’s BFing relationship, but DH is on board now and things are going well.

    Molly

    Loving mama to JP (DS, 1/03 ~ nursed 6 mos), EL (DD1, 9/05 ~ nursed 4 yrs), EJ (DD2, 3/08 ~ nursed 3 yrs 9 mos), and
    JM (DD3, 6/12 ~ currently nursing), all born naturally
    Devoted wife to SAHD P, my hero
    A few of my favorite things that I've discovered on the forum: co-sleeping, baby-wearing, tandem nursing, baby-led solids, cloth diapering, APing, selective vaccination...the list goes on

  6. #36
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    Jan 2006
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    Default Re: Did any of you have to convince your dh...

    Just a quick thought about date nights and bedtime routines and time as a couple. Sometimes it can be easier to schedule dates around non-traditional times -- like going out for brunch on Sunday or a movie mattinee or something. It may be easier to find a babysitter if it's not the evening and the babysitter doesn't have to do the nighttime routine (helpful if the little one is used to nursing down or just wants everything to be familiar for nighttimes).
    Mary

  7. #37
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
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    29

    Default Re: Did any of you have to convince your dh...

    Quote Originally Posted by quakerm0mma View Post
    OK, coming back to this, with jumbled thoughts...


    .........
    He supported the idea of breastfeeding, but he was NOT prepared for how attached our son would be to me as a result. He especially was not prepared for his previously career-minded wife to dive headfirst into intensive attachment parenting and delay finishing my degree and going back to work full-time. And you should have seen the look on his face the first time he realized that breastfeeding would be a long-haul undertaking, not a matter of a few weeks or months.

    I never asked his permission or sought his advice on the decision about how long to breastfeed. His opinion on the matter was pretty clear. I did want him to know and understand the choices I was making, and the most unsupportive thing he did (from my point of view) was simply to have no interest in hearing about it. He didn't actively sabotage our breastfeeding relationship, but he also never sat on the couch while I nursed and praised my hard work and devotion, either. As involved as I am in LLL, he has never read a book about it, attended a LLL family function, or shown any interest in what I do at all these meetings. It just is not his domain; he leaves it to me. (In fairness, I must point out that neither has he complained about the time I give to LLL, nor has he begrudged me money for books and conferences and stuff like that.) .........


    --Rebecca
    Oh Gods Rebecca, you could of taken these paragraphs from right out of my diary (if I actually had a diary!!)

    My DH is another "formula baby" (actually, when he couldn't tollerate regular formula, his mother gave him bottles of orange juice and pablum mixed with carnation condensed milk....at 6 WEEKS OF AGE!!! ) So while he was supportive of me breastfeeding our eldest DD, it wasn't all that important to him- he more or less thought that as long as I was happy.... Then she turned one..... and he started asking about weaning.

    with our second dd the breastfeeding was a given and he was already prepared for the fact that I was a hard core lactivist. but still he questions extended breastfeeding. we almost got into a huge argument a few weeks ago when i was teling him about an article I'd just read about the WHO Code and various companies who are going against it (but that's another post!!) from the INFACT site. DH started to tell me that he thought all these sites were "extremest" and "left wing"....he must of caught me on a pms moment because i totally unloaded on him - about the fact that he hasn't read a single article, or book or visited a single web site to educated himself about breastfeeding, Attachment parenting, EC or IPT, Natural childbirth, vacinations, or anything that I feel is important to raising our children. That he hasn't even taken the time to figure out what HE believes in and tried to convince me of his reasons......

    We haven't really talked about it since then.....

    Dani

  8. #38
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
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    863

    Default Re: Did any of you have to convince your dh...

    Quote Originally Posted by LLLMaryP View Post
    Just a quick thought about date nights and bedtime routines and time as a couple. Sometimes it can be easier to schedule dates around non-traditional times -- like going out for brunch on Sunday or a movie mattinee or something. It may be easier to find a babysitter if it's not the evening and the babysitter doesn't have to do the nighttime routine (helpful if the little one is used to nursing down or just wants everything to be familiar for nighttimes).
    Mary
    THanks for this suggestion... DH and I are going to a matinee this weekend after I put my LO down for a nap (babysitter here before I put him down) to celebrate my birthday!!! I'll keep you guys posted.

    Also- as an update. Things are much much better here (although we took a couple steps back last week due to me being sick, cranky, and having PMS!!!). The strategies discussed in pp's are really making our marriage "click" again! It's nice to have the man I married back... and he is once again supportive of bf!
    Kristie L.
    LLL Leader
    (the poster formerly known as fezzik812)
    Wife to Brett, Mommy to Seamus (5.1.05), and Emelie (1.18.08)
    "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."- Ghandi

  9. #39
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    Jun 2006
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    Default Re: Did any of you have to convince your dh...

    Quote Originally Posted by fezzik812 View Post
    THanks for this suggestion... DH and I are going to a matinee this weekend after I put my LO down for a nap (babysitter here before I put him down) to celebrate my birthday!!! I'll keep you guys posted.
    I hope you have a very happy birthday and an even better celebration! Enjoy.

  10. #40
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
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    4

    Default Re: Did any of you have to convince your dh...

    My Dh and I are going through this exact struggle right now. Before my DS was born I said I would BF for 6 months, then express breast milk after for 6 more months. Well . . . my DS is now 19 months and has never taken a bottle and still going strong. My DH keeps pushing for when I am going to quit, and how DS is too old. But, DS still has a great need and now after learning more about the benefits of extended BF and understanding my DS's needs I tell DH that I will wean when DS is ready. Unfortunately, this has led to strife and long discussions. Now my DH says it is my decision, but he (DH) will not be a participant in any discussions about BF. I don't want DH not involved, I just want him to be more supportive. The main problem is that DS nurses ALL NIGHT and DH often sleeps on the couch in order to be rested. DH beleives that if DS is weaned he will sleep through the night. I disagree. We tried getting DH to put DS to bed, but DS protested to the point that he could barely breathe (he wanted to nurse instead). Also, last night I tried to just eliminate one of the 10+ nightly nursings and DS cried for an hour. I tried a sippy cup of water, singing, rocking, stuffed animals, walking, cuddling all to no avail. I eventually gave in and nursed DS back to sleep, it took him another hour just to calm down. So all this to say I don't think that weaning is the solution, but I do need sleep and I do need DH's support now more than ever. Any suggestions? I feel like DS will never learn to sleep without nursing until he is ready, but in the meantime my DH wants him weaned by 2. Sorry for the rambling in this post, just feeling overwhelmed!

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