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Thread: When don't offer don't refuse isn't working

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    Default When don't offer don't refuse isn't working

    Ok so I know ideally I should let DS set the pace and self wean but I am done. I CAN NOT continue to nurse him 7-10 times a day on top of the 9-12 times a day I nurse DD. It's driving me nuts. A lot of those times are tandem but it's just getting to be too much for me.

    I basically do the DODR now but I think I need to refuse. We have gotten it to where if I say he needs to be done he'll stop but that doesn't work every time. Sometimes he'll want to cuddle and hang out there for an hour. Or DS and DD will play musical boobs and switch back and forth. If I make them stop and put the girls away, one or both of them will be asking to nurse again in 20 minutes.

    Part of the problem is he'll want to do it when he sees DD doing it. Even if I go into another room (raise your hand if you think leaving a 2 year old alone leads to anything good) he'll come in and see what we're doing and want to join in. I don't have the heart to turn him away when he's basically been ignored for the last 20 minutes and wants to cuddle with mommy too.

    If I tell him no or try to redirect or offer a snack or whatever he throws a tantrum. How do you deal with this? I'm not going to send him to time out since it's not his fault I've hit a wall and want him to stop.

    I need some serious help here. It is getting to the point where I dream of weaning them both just to be done with it. I need to get him to stop in order to save my nursing relationship with DD. I know that sounds horrible, and I feel like a monster but I am starting to hate it.

    I know that this is really ramble-y and maybe incoherent Please try to pick out the pertinent info and help us! I'd really be interested in having a leader chime in....

    Amy married to my bestfriend since 10/30/04

    Proud SAHM to DS born 2/17/07 and DD born 9/11/08 Both weaned together 11/2011
    Currently milk, peach, peanut and tree nut free. DD has outgrown her wheat, cheese, egg, garlic, and citrus allergies

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
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    Default Re: When don't offer don't refuse isn't working



    Have you thought about slowly decreasing the amount of time he nurses? For example "We'll nurse while I sing Old MacDonald and then we'll put the boobies away and read a book." Or "We'll nurse and count to 25 and then put the boobies away and play cars". Its allowing him that nursing, but also limiting it. It sounds like the length of nursing is demanding and draining for you.

    I'm not in the same place as you with the nursling toddler, but I do have a 2 year old and he pitches a lot of fits during the day. Sometimes he asks for a cookie, I don't give him one, and he has a tantrum. Sucks, cause what Mother wants to see her child freak out? Not I. But I still don't give him the cookie. I know cookie and nursing are different, but you can't be a martyr and wear yourself too thin. Its OKAY to set limits Mama.
    Lyn
    Nursing the girl with kaleidoscope eyes


    Mama to Daniel (12/3/06) and Lucy Jane (8/28/08)

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
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    Default Re: When don't offer don't refuse isn't working

    Oh, I am SO with you. I feel like Waylon ought to be allowed to nurse whenever he wants, because he is that age. But whenever he wants to nurse, so does Big Sissy. So I find myself avoiding situations where he would want to nurse, just so Haylee won't ask and we can avoid the big meltdown. But Lyn is right--its okay to say no. Waylon is still a baby (well, kinda ) and Haylee isn't. Sucks to be her, but she also doesn't have to nap and he does. She gets to play with makeup and he doesn't. She gets to watch sponebob (while he naps) and he doesn't. She gets to play with scissors. He doesn't. I try to point those out when she is having her fit.

    Its SO much harder than I thought it would be. I worry all the time that I won't be able to ever nurse him by himself. Ya know?

    Erin
    Wife to a grizzly
    Mama to my little deer (12/05) my loving bear cub (9/07--), and our little tiger (3/22/10)
    Born by one c-section and 2 amazing VBACs


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  4. #4
    Join Date
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    Default Re: When don't offer don't refuse isn't working

    your not a monster your a touched out mom!
    ARE you getting any time for you?
    Sometimes that helps even if its just an hour or two away from both of them.
    Hire a sitter if you don't have any family to help.
    Have you tried talking him into weaning? Some moms use coins. GIve him 5 and then if the end of the day if he hasn't used all of them he gets a small prize. I know its a bribe but it works for some kids. after a week or two he will be nursing less and you'll feal beter about it all together.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2006
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    Default Re: When don't offer don't refuse isn't working

    Don't feel bad about being ready to wean your older child! If I was tandeming a new baby and a demanding toddler, I'd want to wean, too!

    Do you have family that can come and help you out while you make changes in the nursing pattern? When I cut out DD's morning feed, it was totally mother-led. We were at my parents' place and I would just send her down stairs every morning to play with grandma while I lounged around in bed. After a few mornings of no nursing, DD just stopped asking for morning milkies, because she's dropped the habit. (Well, mostly stopped. When she was sick, or feeling extra-needy, she picked it back up.)
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  6. #6
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    Default Re: When don't offer don't refuse isn't working

    I don't know what you have in the way of "treats" but I wonder if offering something up that is "only for big boy and not for baby sisters" might work? Like when I was over it with DJ we made the juice pops in an ice tray with tooth picks and he would take one of those over a nursing session at the computer at least 3x a day. Which is a lot. It may work for all the times when he only wants to do it because he's bored and see her doing it. Like "you could do this OR you can have one of your big boy treats instead" I suggest the ice cube pops because he may be busy with one of those for as long as it takes you to nurse Charlotte and you live on the sun. I have had equal success bribing with Annie Bunny Cookies. And like I could get out of it with 3 or 4 cookies. HTH!

    Way too lazy for formula

  7. #7
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    Default Re: When don't offer don't refuse isn't working

    Thanks everyone for the support and suggestions. I think I am going to try a combination of the bribing with treats and maybe the token thing. I just don't know if he is old enough to grasp the token concept yet. We'll see I guess.

    I'll be honest though I don't have a lot of hope of the treat thing working seeing as it's 1:30pm and he hasn't eaten any food all day but has nursed 3 times I've been offering him his favorites all day but he's not interested, he just wants milk

    I think I'll go to the store with him this weekend and see if we can't find something semi-healthy that he'll want enough to forgo nursing if the ice pops don't work.

    Amy married to my bestfriend since 10/30/04

    Proud SAHM to DS born 2/17/07 and DD born 9/11/08 Both weaned together 11/2011
    Currently milk, peach, peanut and tree nut free. DD has outgrown her wheat, cheese, egg, garlic, and citrus allergies

  8. #8
    Join Date
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    Default Re: When don't offer don't refuse isn't working

    OH juice is STILL such a treat. And on the store bought, besides Annies Bunny cookies my I also suggest the stoneyfield organic yogurt tubes. We froze those and cut them in half and they were "popsicles" too!!

    Way too lazy for formula

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
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    sleepy town
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    Default Re: When don't offer don't refuse isn't working

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*amy.marie View Post
    Thanks everyone for the support and suggestions. I think I am going to try a combination of the bribing with treats and maybe the token thing. I just don't know if he is old enough to grasp the token concept yet. We'll see I guess.

    I'll be honest though I don't have a lot of hope of the treat thing working seeing as it's 1:30pm and he hasn't eaten any food all day but has nursed 3 times I've been offering him his favorites all day but he's not interested, he just wants milk

    I think I'll go to the store with him this weekend and see if we can't find something semi-healthy that he'll want enough to forgo nursing if the ice pops don't work.
    I might be way off, but it sounds odd to me that he isn't wanting to eat, just nurse. I tandem nurse, and my 2.5 year old (at the time 22 month old) got to where she wasn't wanting to eat, but was nursing all of the time. Turns out she had a BAD case of thrush, for like months and I had no idea I guess it hurt less to nurse then to eat Once I got her treated, she started eating like a horse It made it much easier to get her to nurse less.
    Hi, I'm Lisa, mommy to:
    *Emily Grace 12-13-06.weaned with at 3 1/2
    *Abigail 9-12-08 born at 28 weeks 2lbs 13oz-Now my 2 year old nursing chunky monkey
    Nursing after a 12 week stay in the NICU





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  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Florida
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    Default Re: When don't offer don't refuse isn't working

    I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you...but you made me laugh with the "musical boobs". I'm sure it's frustrating for you, but it sounds so cute! lol sorry...
    Just starting to cloth diaperShe loves her slingWe love DH is the best

    Mia- 7/2/99- for 4 months when I thought my milk dried up due to a sudden trauma...if I knew then what I know now...
    Jack- 3/12/03- for a few weeks then pumped for a few weeks- I gave up to easily
    Morgan- 7/8/08- determined to remain a booby girl

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