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Thread: Venting, looking for feedback and enouragement...

  1. #1
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    Jan 2008
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    Default Venting, looking for feedback and enouragement...

    Emma is 29months old. She LOVES to nurse and always has. She hasn't done much in the way of weaning on her own. Since she was around 17months I have slowly cut back her daytime nursing sessions, as I saw she was ready. When she was 18months I night-weaned her, which went well and she was fully night-weaned at 21months. This was all my doing, although she did o.k. with it. When I was hospitalized in the beginning of January she was nursing 3 times a day - morning, nap, and bedtime. This seemed to be o.k. with her and it was great for me. She continued nursing during my hospital stay, 10 days total. She napped with me there so she nursed then and 1 or 2 other times in the afternoon/evening before going home. After her brother was born (10weeks early) I let her nurse a little more often, maybe 3-5 times a day depending on the day as it helped my milk come in and I preferred doing that to pumping as much. As it got closer to him coming home from the NICU, I cut her back to the 3 times a day. A little while after he was home I cut her down to 2 times a day - morning and night, which is where we're at now. I didn't nurse her in the evenings and mornings when I realized Owen and I had thrush in the middle of April, and she was pretty much o.k. with that.

    Sometimes I really don't want to nurse her, other times I don't mind it, and other times I like that we still do that. I feel like I can handle nursing her 2 times a day, but lately she has been hounding me to nurse her more often. And when I say she can nurse at bedtime, or in the early morning hours when she asks I tell her when the sun comes up, she gets really upset. She'll hit me and whine a ton! She'll say "sing Twinkle Twinkle one time" as that's what I did to help wean her down from other nursing sessions. Occassionally she gets upset when I'm nursing Owen and she asks, and I tell her at bedtime or in the morning. I don't mind tandem nursing, but I don't want to nurse them both at the same time all the time (although the few times I've nursed them together, she's LOVED it). I'm not sure what to do - I don't like that she's getting aggressive and hitting me when I tell her she has to wait. Part of me feels like it's o.k. for her to have to wait - that's an important thing for her to understand about lots of things in life. And part of me feels bad that I don't want to nurse her as often as she seems to want it. The more she hounds me, the less I want to nurse her at all. I have this really strong feeling that I need to make sure Owen gets the milk he needs, that it's beneficial to Emma but that's secondary. I read books or play with her when Owen's nursing and I get time with just her every day and we do something special together every week. I'm just frustrated. I really want her to self-wean from these two last sessions and it's important to me that our nursing relationship end on a good note, but I feel like our nursing relationship is one of frustration with each other. Oh and fyi, Emma is VERY strong-willed, she has a very strong personality and is really controlling. I love her dearly and want to meet her needs but I feel like she's so needy with nursing right now and it's too much for me to constantly be hounded.

    Any ideas on how to handle this?
    Mommy to:

    Emmalynn Marie
    Born at 37 weeks on 12/22/06
    5lbs 1oz 19 1/2in

    Owen Charles
    Born at 29 wks 6 days on 01/17/09
    2lbs 14oz 15in
    In NICU for 2 months


  2. #2
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    May 2006
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    Default Re: Venting, looking for feedback and enouragement...

    Okay, so I only have 1 kid, so take my advice for what it's worth... But it seems to me that Emma's reaction to the big changes in her life is a very natural one. She's used to being the center of attention and all of a sudden she has to share the spotlight. So it seems to me that some acting-out is to be expected. That doesn't mean that it's cool- just that it's normal.

    Have you tried asking her to take part in nursing- not as a baby/nursling, but sharing the mommy role with you? Maybe if you could ask her to get a dolly and sit down and nurse her dolly while you nurse Owen.
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Venting, looking for feedback and enouragement...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*mommal View Post
    Have you tried asking her to take part in nursing- not as a baby/nursling, but sharing the mommy role with you? Maybe if you could ask her to get a dolly and sit down and nurse her dolly while you nurse Owen.
    She does nurse her doll sometimes. The main problem isn't really when I'm nursing Owen, it's the random, more frequent times she's asking to nurse in between her morning and night session.
    Mommy to:

    Emmalynn Marie
    Born at 37 weeks on 12/22/06
    5lbs 1oz 19 1/2in

    Owen Charles
    Born at 29 wks 6 days on 01/17/09
    2lbs 14oz 15in
    In NICU for 2 months


  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2006
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    20,847

    Default Re: Venting, looking for feedback and enouragement...

    Ah, I get it now. Do countdowns work? "You can nurse, and then mommy will count to ten, and then it is time to be done." I know countdowns have helped me a lot- I can put up with 20 seconds of nursing better than I can with a 5 minute session full of toddler quirks- "Mommy"- suck suck unlatch- "at school today" suck suck unlatch- "Wyatt was a bad boy"- suck suck suck unlatch- "he took my toy!"
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  5. #5
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    May 2007
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    4,160

    Default Re: Venting, looking for feedback and enouragement...

    See I think it's sometimes easier to just nurse them quickly even if you don't want to, because the time they spend whining and hounding you about it is more annoying then the actual 2 minutes to nurse them.

    I'm going through something similar w/ my boy, he's wanting to nurse more then I want to let him. It's very frustrating! This morning I kept it simple, he asked to nurse while watching cartoons and I just said no. He got mad and yelled for a bit and goes, why? And I just said, 'because mommy said no'.

    Then I said, why don't you sit in my lap and we can cuddle instead... and he went for that. And DH got a snack ready and he was distracted enough and hasn't asked since then. I think you have to keep it varied why they can't nurse at such and such times, but be flexible if they are just really dying to nurse.

    We haven't done the count down before but I know many mommas on here have found success with it.
    Lisa

    Mommy to
    Logan 5-23-07
    Colby 12-14-09

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Venting, looking for feedback and enouragement...

    It probably would be easier to let her nurse while I sing "Twinkle Twinkle" one time or something, rather than deal with the hounding and tantrum. But, I also want her to understand limits. Emma likes to push every limit, almost all the time. She's VERY hyperfocused on what she wants/feels/likes and I feel like I need to have boundaries with her and be firm, not just on nursing, but in everything. I feel like it's more than reasonable to nurse her twice a day at almost 2 1/2 years old. But then I wonder why I feel that way? Maybe it's just because *most* 2 1/2 year olds aren't still nursed so I feel like "well at least I'm doing it twice a day." But she doesn't know that most kids are weaned by her age. A gf who is nursing her daughter whose 2 months younger than Emma reminded me yesterday that children self-wean between 2 1/2 and 3 years. I need to remember that I guess. Thanks for letting me talk/write this out.
    Mommy to:

    Emmalynn Marie
    Born at 37 weeks on 12/22/06
    5lbs 1oz 19 1/2in

    Owen Charles
    Born at 29 wks 6 days on 01/17/09
    2lbs 14oz 15in
    In NICU for 2 months


  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
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    2,005

    Default Re: Venting, looking for feedback and enouragement...

    Have you tried offering another drink in place of the nursing?

    When I was in the process of weaning ds2, I realized that he really was thirsty and just asking for a drink. Since he had only ever asked to nurse when thirsty, I had to teach him to ask for a drink instead of asking to nurse all the time.
    Proud mom of 2 boys, both weaned gradually and with love.


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    Murray Straus, Ph.D.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Venting, looking for feedback and enouragement...

    Wow! You sound just like me! Everything from napping with you at the hospital, to nursing more to have to pump as much during the NICU stay, to driving me crazy wanting to nurse all the time. She was asking to nurse day and night. I let her always nurse in the morning, and before nap and bedtime, and a few other times a day if it worked out. But she would throw a fit if I had to say no. So one day I said yes every time she asked, I even asked her if she wanted to a few times. And a funny thing happened, the next day she went 24 hours without even asking I was shocked to say the least. She then started asking again, but never as much. I also found if she asked and I said yes you can, but would you rather have a snack/play outside/watch a movie, she almost always said yes. She mostly just nurses 3X a day now, and doesn't ask much more than that. She will even sit with me while I nurse DD2 and rub her head and sing to her I think she just needs to know that the option is still there.
    BTW how long has the baby been home?
    Hi, I'm Lisa, mommy to:
    *Emily Grace 12-13-06.weaned with at 3 1/2
    *Abigail 9-12-08 born at 28 weeks 2lbs 13oz-Now my 2 year old nursing chunky monkey
    Nursing after a 12 week stay in the NICU





    :

  9. #9
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    Mar 2007
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    Default Re: Venting, looking for feedback and enouragement...

    I am tandem nursing too and I have to say it's not easy.

    I went through the same thing with DD1 when DD2 was born. Until 2 weeks ago she'd nurse 6 times a day to the point I was upset all day. I even didn't want to spend time with her due to her demanding needs but I was committed to self-weaning. One day my dad told me he felt aggression from my part when it came to nursing her. That day I thought, this is worse than weaning, cause if he felt that, so did she. I decided to talk about it with her, I told her mommy was tired and was going to nurse her 3 times a day. I was very firm but loving. We've been nursing only 3 times a day since then. She keeps asking at other times but it's not as demanding as before and I am firm and say not now. Our relationship changed and now we are the best of friends.

    I think she needed the limits and I felt so guilty I couldn't set them properly.

  10. #10
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    Aug 2006
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    Default Re: Venting, looking for feedback and enouragement...

    Emma's personality sounds a LOT like my DD1, especially at that age. Will no method of distraction or substitution work with her? A snack and/or drink would often work for my DD1.
    I talked to her a lot about how the baby needed breastmilk because she couldn't eat or drink anything else, and how she is lucky because she can eat and drink lots of other stuff. Sometimes we'd go through a list of things she could eat and drink and come up with silly things, like wormburgers or something. I think it always helps with my DD's behavior if I can keep her laughing.
    Maybe even offer a snack/drink and sit her down with it before you nurse your DS.
    What do you do when she throws a tantrum?

    Molly

    Loving mama to JP (DS, 1/03 ~ nursed 6 mos), EL (DD1, 9/05 ~ nursed 4 yrs), EJ (DD2, 3/08 ~ nursed 3 yrs 9 mos), and
    JM (DD3, 6/12 ~ currently nursing), all born naturally
    Devoted wife to SAHD P, my hero
    A few of my favorite things that I've discovered on the forum: co-sleeping, baby-wearing, tandem nursing, baby-led solids, cloth diapering, APing, selective vaccination...the list goes on

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