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Thread: This is not working anymore

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2007

    Default This is not working anymore

    and it makes me feel so sad

    I'm tandem nursing my 26 month old DD#1 and my 12 week old DD#2. DD#1 nurses a lot, she's night weaned but still asks to nurse sometimes at night, it's hard to distract her at night. During the day she nurses 5 to 6 times a day and that's because I distract her.

    Since DD#2 was born I am feeling resentful toward DD#1 when she wants to nurse. I try to think how much I love her but it's still annoying to nurse her, especially if DD#2 is awake or fussing. Nursing both at the same time it's even worse. I set limits and count to 10 to stop the session and I feel very good after nursing her, like if saying, "I did it" but then just the thought of her wanting to nurse makes me feel uncomfortable and you have no idea how sad. I believe in child led weaning but is this feeling of resentment natural? I can't believe in Nature a mammal would continue to nurse if it feels this way. Is this really good for her? Is this really good for our relationship? I was so looking forward to nursing both my babies but now, I don't think I'll make it and I feel I'm failing. I went through nursing during pregnancy, I didn't mind the pain, I knew that was what I wanted for her, I went through all the criticism from family and friends, even my husband, which now supports my decision whichever it is. Why am I feeling this? Does this mean it's time to wean? Just to tell you something about me, I'm the most perseverant person, I would go all the way if necessary just to give my daughter the best but is this the best?

    What do you think? Is it time to wean? Am I failing? Am I going to harm her if I wean?

    Thanks a lot for listening!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2007

    Default Re: This is not working anymore

    Momma you're doing a great job, you can't help feeling the way that you do. Nursing at 26 months should be enjoyable by both mother and toddler. Is there anyone else to help you distract her so she's not asking to nurse as much?

    I haven't tandem nursed before, hopefully some of the other mothers who have and are will chime in here.

    Whatever you decide will be the best for your little girls. And you.

    Mommy to
    Logan 5-23-07
    Colby 12-14-09

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Harrison Township, MI

    Default Re: This is not working anymore

    I think what you're feeling is totally understandable. Child led weaning is great, but if you take a more active role in weaning her and do it in a loving, gradual way she won't be damaged. However, your negative feelings about nursing might interfere with your relationship with her so try not to feel guilty that you would like for her to nurse less.
    Have you asked the children's father to help? Also, you can keep your younger daughter in a sling and nurse her while playing with dd1 so dd1 doesn't feel excluded.
    When dd1 is able to cut out nursing sessions, you might find that there is a happy medium where you are comfortable nursing her maybe just 2 times a day instead of 6.
    You have to do what is best for your family...and that includes you! You are valuable, mama!
    SAHM to Mary who has been since she was born on 06-08-2007.

    Married to Jim since 07-30-2005

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2007

    Default Re: This is not working anymore

    Thanks so much for your reply!

    I sent an email to Dr Newman and this is what he replied:

    "It’s natural to feel resentful sometimes when a child is demanding. But if you feel this way all the time, I think you should speak with your doctor. Don’t wean the older child. How are you going to do that? It will be difficult for both you and her.

    You aren’t failing. You have done marvels. You managed to breastfeed the second one in spite of the difficulties with the first one.

    I don't think I need a psychologist but talking about it with others who understand helps to keep going...

    Hang in there; speak to someone knowledgeable about issues like this. If your doctor isn’t speak with a good, breastfeeding friendly (not always easy to find) psychologist."

    It helped me a lot and now I'm feeling better while nursing her but I've been through this before and I know I'll feel the same way again at some point. I'll write to you again cause you always make me feel better :

    Thanks a lot!!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Not around here as much :(

    Default Re: This is not working anymore

    I am glad Dr N wrote you back such a wonderufl message...

    Also - Please know mama, that even when your older child isn't nursing you may feel such resentment - it is typical and not indicative of anything you've failed at

    It might be time to try to interest her in other things when it's nursing time - but be sure to fill the time you would have spent nursing her with a solo acticity - just you and she otherwise... I always try to think of it like this - how would I feel if my DH brought home a second wife... how would I want it to go... andthat is a thought process from a thinking adult.. your toddler can't rationalise as well as you could....
    Click here to find an LLL leader near you...or call 1 877 4 LA LECHE for help now.

    "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
    Eleanor Roosevelt

    "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

    Ban the bags. ......... Watch your language. ....... Help keep Dr Newman's clinic open!

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    I lost 22 lbs in 8 months... with a bit of determination and common sense information from this book.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2008

    Default Re: This is not working anymore

    Hi Mama,

    Sorry you're going through this. Our children are about the same ages (27 1/2mo, 11wks) and I also have some of the same feelings you have. My daughter nurses 3-4 times a day but I don't nurse them at the same time. My baby boy nurses every 2 hours. I was thinking about my feelings of resentment sometimes about nursing my daughter and decided I'm not sure it's so much resentment towards her nursing, but more resentment towards her needing me. For me, it's normal to feel like my baby needs me, especially to nurse, but I started to feel like it wasn't "normal" for my daughter to need me so much. But I had to put things in perspective from her point of view and remember she is only 2 years old and has had a major change in her life with her brother coming home from the hospital. And just because he needs me and I became his mother, doesn't mean she needs her mommy any less.

    So a few things I've done to help are when I nurse her I look down at her and talk to her - let her know it's still special time for her. When I nurse her brother, I offer to read books with her or play with her dolls/kitchen. I nurse her in her room just she and I at night before bed. And on Thursday nights, I leave dh with the baby and she and I go to the library and read books together and then check some out. I make a big deal out of she and I having special time together. And then I go out once on the weekend for a little while with the baby while she gets time with daddy (gives me a break).

    For me, the resentment is more about two little ones needing me a lot and that gets overwhelming. And I felt that if I was to wean Emma right now, it would be really hard on her and probably make her needier to me, only without that method of meeting her needs. I'm not saying this is what's going on with you, but I just wanted to offer my perspective of how this has been with me. Hopefully it helps you.
    Mommy to:

    Emmalynn Marie
    Born at 37 weeks on 12/22/06
    5lbs 1oz 19 1/2in

    Owen Charles
    Born at 29 wks 6 days on 01/17/09
    2lbs 14oz 15in
    In NICU for 2 months

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar 2007

    Default Re: This is not working anymore

    Thanks a lot for your replies!!

    I think the feeling of resentment is towards her nursing only because I get uncomfortable when she nurses. I get some sexual feelings, OF COURSE NOT WITH HER, and I read is normal but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. It helps when she nurses less times a day so I'm looking forward to nursing her only twice a day. It does help to look at her while she nurses or do something else, like watching TV or use the computer

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