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Thread: DH not being supportive...

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
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    Default DH not being supportive...

    My DH has been married previously, to someone who BF her children from her previous marriage, for years. He was very embarrassed by the fact of having a BF toddler around the house. I always said that I would not BF after my 'baby' had teeth...well, my LO has 2 teeth now, and we are still BF. He has been making more and more comments of 'you need to quite BF', etc. My goal is one year, for sure...but now that LO is 10 months, I am freaking out about how fast it is approaching and meeting this deadline that he thinks I need to keep with. I do think 1 year is a good time for us though, because it has been such a struggle, i just don't like feeling the pressure of it all. Any advice on how I can help tune my DH into being okay with going longer if I want to?

    Right now, the only times that I nurse are before bed and when she wakes up (which is quite frequently, I wish she would STTN better) but i think she i going through a growth spurt and/or teething. And in the morning before work. so between the hours of 8pm-5am. Other wise she has pumped bottles with part formula (my supply is too low to do straight BM )

    He just makes me so upset, saying that BF is causing her to not sleep at night, making her clingy to me, and the cause of my 'lack' of sex drive. sorry if TMI there ladies...

    Please any thoughts, advice, etc. are appreciated. I am going to post this in another forum too, in hopes of more answers!

    TIA
    for 1 year ! We are fully weaned... . We kicked deadbeat dad to curb and rocking 2010 on our own! It is what it is!

    May 16, 2008


  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
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    Default Re: DH not being supportive...

    Is he willing to take the night shift? If not you can tell him it's easier for you to just nurse her than to try to put her to sleep again without nursing and if he "wants" to take care of her then is his problem. He will realize it's easier to just let you nurse. Same with the other nursing sessions, it's easier to nurse than to try to distract her.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
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    136

    Default Re: DH not being supportive...

    he says that i need to quit and give him the bottle, that he'd do it all. maybe i should let him a couple nights in a row and see what he thinks, the next time he brings it up?!

    i don't know, i think he is just using it as an excuse really, trying to blame everything on it. me being tired, etc. hello, i am a mom now?! who is not tired?!
    for 1 year ! We are fully weaned... . We kicked deadbeat dad to curb and rocking 2010 on our own! It is what it is!

    May 16, 2008


  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
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    SW Ohio
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    Default Re: DH not being supportive...

    I'm sorry you have to deal with this, and that your DH isn't being very supportive... Have you asked him why he's embarassed about having an older nursling? It might help if you had a heart-to-heart talk with him to try and find out the root of his concerns. You might check out THIS site on Kelly mom for tips on dealing with criticism on breastfeeding.

    I hope your DH comes around and sees that nighttimes are MUCH easier when mom can just pop her boob into baby's mouth, instead of having to take all the time to make a bottle, warm a bottle, etc.

    Buff
    IRL all my friends call me Buff, Wife to CB since 10/11/2003

    Mom to DD - "MJ" born 9/2007 @ 8lbs 10oz, 21.5" She's 6 years old!
    My journey nursing MJ started HERE, but we got through it and she breastfed 19.5 months, self-weaned on 5/17/09


    Mom to my current nursling, DS - "ME" born 10/2009 @ 10lbs 1oz, 22.25" He's 4 years old! And yup, he's still nursing.

    Ask me about my successful VBAC! Click here for my birth story.



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
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    Southern Maryland
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    251

    Default Re: DH not being supportive...

    I see you posted this in the weaning section as well. I replied there!
    ~*Sherri*~
    Mommy to Allison Rae

    Born 9-18-07 @ 1:18am

    BF for 18 months! Finally weaned!


  6. #6
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
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    136

    Default Re: DH not being supportive...

    thank you for posting on the other forum, i did read it and it really helped me out. we do have scary similar stories, don't we!

    thank you again.

    anyone else, please feel free to post your suggestions!
    for 1 year ! We are fully weaned... . We kicked deadbeat dad to curb and rocking 2010 on our own! It is what it is!

    May 16, 2008


  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
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    Good ole ATX y'all!
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    Default Re: DH not being supportive...

    My husband was reluctant to support me bfing past one year too. I knew I wanted to go as long as my ds did so I didn't push it. Around his first bday I did lots of research on toddler bfing and came up with all the positives for mama and baby and talked about them a lot. Next thing I knew hubby came home from work and recounted a slightly heated arguement he had with a friend who is not bf friendly (his wife thinks it's gross ) and his side of the conversation was very supportive and he cited all the info I had told him!!!! I was very impressed!

    Sometimes some guys have to have the facts to back up extended bfing so if you decide to go that route maybe that will help your hubby change his mind.
    Jen - mom to 3
    DD who I FF
    I survived 10 painful mastitis infections and managed to nurse DS1 till he was 3 years and 7 months
    and now DS2 4 years now working on gentle weaning and


    "Pride is one of the seven deadly sins; but it can not be the pride of a mother in her children, for that is a compound of two cardinal virtues - faith and hope." Charles Dickens

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    928

    Default Re: DH not being supportive...

    My DH was very supportive in the beginning, but around the one year point he started asking when I was going to quit. Like your husband, he blamed nursing for my 'lack' of sex drive and he felt uncomfortable about my nursing a baby who was old enough to talk about it. I told him I wasn't ready to quit and reminded him of the WHO's recommendations (below). He wasn't BFed and his mother wasn't all that supportive at first, but I lent her my Sears BFing book and she became one of my strongest supporters. I think that her change in attitude plus my own parents' strong pro-BF stance helped him to see that continuing to nurse was the best thing for his son. His own discomfort was less important than his child's health and well-being. Also, as PPs suggested, he learned that comfort at the breast is way quicker than any other method, esp in the middle of the night! By the time DS was self-weaning (at over two years) DH was taking photos and videos almost every time DS nursed because he knew it would be the end of an era. I wonder if your husband needs to work through his issues (which are totally HIS issues with BFing and nothing to do with you or your LO) with a professional? Although it would be hard to suggest it, I'm sure. I hope he comes round and realises it's the best thing for his child.

    The World Health Organization's infant feeding recommendation
    As stated in the Global Strategy on Infant and Young Child Feeding (WHA55 A55/15, paragraph 10):

    Breastfeeding is an unequalled way of providing ideal food for the healthy growth and development of infants; it is also an integral part of the reproductive process with important implications for the health of mothers. As a global public health recommendation, infants should be exclusively breastfed(1) for the first six months of life to achieve optimal growth, development and health(2). Thereafter, to meet their evolving nutritional requirements, infants should receive nutritionally adequate and safe complementary foods while breastfeeding continues for up to two years of age or beyond. Exclusive breastfeeding from birth is possible except for a few medical conditions, and unrestricted exclusive breastfeeding results in ample milk production.
    Emma

    J from Aug '06 to Nov '08 and S from April 2009

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    20,952

    Default Re: DH not being supportive...

    He just makes me so upset, saying that BF is causing her to not sleep at night, making her clingy to me, and the cause of my 'lack' of sex drive.
    I would listen respectfully to your husband's concerns. While I think he is wrong that breastfeeding is causing the night waking and clinginess and a "lack" of sex drive, concerns about night waking, clinginess, and sex drive are valid ones and they need to be addressed.

    I think that men often feel driven to "do something" about a problem, even if what they want to do is the absolute wrong thing. Perhaps the reason your husband wants you to wean is just so that he feels like "something is being done" about the problems he perceives.

    I would buy some pro-breastfeeding books on infant sleep (I especially recommend Elizabeth Pantley's The No-Cry Sleep Solution) and leave them around the house. Ask him to read them, and ask him for help in implementing the techniques in the books. That way he'll feel like the sleep problem is being addressed- and hey, who knows, maybe it will work!

    Regarding the clinginess, I think you and your husband need to discuss why clinginess is a problem. Does he feel like your baby is not bonded to him? Does he feel like you are the only one who can comfort her? Is he afraid that your child will grow up to be too dependent on you? If he perceives specific problems, perhaps you guys can come up with ways to address them that do not include weaning.

    Finally, regarding sex drive- whatever is causing it, it sounds like your husband is feeling a lack. Maybe find out what his minimum daily requirement of sexual contact is, and try to find a way to narrow the gap between what he wants and what you want.
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    136

    Default Re: DH not being supportive...

    Thank you for all of your suggestions. I am going to try to sit and talk with DH when we are both in good moods and see if I can see the root of the problem. I do think the issues he mentioned need to be addressed individually, I just don't know how to explain to him that it's not because of bfing. We do need to get the sleep issue under control, as we had a really bad night last night. i think i need to get her to the doctor to rule out ear infection, just so i can see if it's something else, or just her being a butt. That's for another post though!

    I do hope that DH can get on board...I already only nurse at night, so I don't see a huge issue with continuing past one! We'll see how it goes. I do know that I will possibly have to wean though, because I don't think I will be able to continue my medication that helps my milk supply. It has taken a good toll on my body. I will continue to try though, as long as LO wants to!

    Thanks for all your support and advice! Send some prayers and good vibes my way!

    Thank you all!
    for 1 year ! We are fully weaned... . We kicked deadbeat dad to curb and rocking 2010 on our own! It is what it is!

    May 16, 2008


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