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Thread: Husband Insisting We Wean!! :-(

  1. #1

    Default Husband Insisting We Wean!! :-(

    I have been crying for two days - hopefully this is a more proactive way to deal with the stress I am feeling....
    I have been a LLL member for years - first time I have posted on here. I have been researching past threads - found "convincing dh" full of great stuff.

    DS is 3 1/2. Husband started mentioning weaning around age 2. In beginning, dh was biggest supporter. He was disappointed when he couldn't attend LLL meetings, etc. He still talks to pregnant women and advocates bf. Anyway, we have problems in our marriage - I agree with the member who mentioned sometimes bf is used as a scapegoat.

    Anyway, since this has been an ongoing issue, I feel I have done everything I can do to talk to dh. Other than attend a LLL conference - planning to go in May - don't know if we can survive that long. This is an issue that raises its ugly head in varying degrees of intensity. DH is never "ok" with ds "still" nursing, but sometimes he is more tolerant. He rarely witnesses it -

    I am looking for a marriage counselor that will be supportive of "extended" (hate that word in its connotation) bf. Hard to find someone.

    I never planned to bf this long. DS nurses first thing in morning and last thing at night. That is about it. He has been night-weaned for almost two years. But it is still important to both of us - I am sick at someone else trying to force us to stop. DH is starting to "talk" to DS about it - I am worried about the effects there.

    DD is 20 months old. Can't imagine the sibling rivalry issues that might arise if son is forced to wean. Oh, in my husband's last tirade on this (just before going out of town for a few days) - he said he want ds weaned now and dd weaned by age 2. The atmosphere in our house is being affected - while this is not the root problem, I am worried that it could be a catalyst for negative changes.

    I realize I am rambling - I am sincerely hoping to find some kind of answer to help. I know my husband will get over his negative feelings as time goes by and the children are weaned - whereas if I am "forced" ( I realize that nobody can "force" me, but I am not sure about the lack of peace in our house or the effects of my husband making son feel awkward), I am afraid I will never get over feeling bitter.

    I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this. Thanks.

    (I am not always sure of abbreviations used- hope I am using them correctly - dh, bump, etc. Someone posted a page with explanations but it is no longer a valid address. If there is a new page, I'd love to look at it.)

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
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    1,110

    Default Re: Husband Insisting We Wean!! :-(

    I'm sorry I have no answers but wanted to send you :. Finding a counselor is the best thing you can do. I hope some other moms here will chime with advice.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
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    9,280

    Default Re: Husband Insisting We Wean!! :-(



    Has your husband told you WHY he wants you to wean? What sort of time do your children have one-on-one with your husband? Do you think he is jealous of the bond?

    Lyn
    Nursing the girl with kaleidoscope eyes


    Mama to Daniel (12/3/06) and Lucy Jane (8/28/08)

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Sunny Arizona
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    Default Re: Husband Insisting We Wean!! :-(

    Sorry I don't have any advice I just wanted to give you a
    I hope you can get to the root of the issue and solve things soon.

    Amy married to my bestfriend since 10/30/04

    Proud SAHM to DS born 2/17/07 and DD born 9/11/08 Both weaned together 11/2011
    Currently milk, peach, peanut and tree nut free. DD has outgrown her wheat, cheese, egg, garlic, and citrus allergies

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    20,637

    Default Re: Husband Insisting We Wean!! :-(

    I'm sorry your husband is giving you such a hard time over something so natural, healthy, and beautiful. Has he explained why he is so convinced that your kids need to be weaned? Is it because he's jealous that your breasts/time/energy are going to the kids instead of to him? Or is he concerned that breastfeeding is making the children overly dependent? Or is it some other reason?

    Here are some links that might be helpful to you in your dialog with your husband:

    - Extend Breastfeeding's Benefits- very readable article on benefits of extended nursing from Mothering Magazine
    - Fat and Energy Contents of Expressed Human Breast Milk in Prolonged Lactation- abstract of article from the journal Pediatrics, debunks the myth that breastmilk has no nutritional value after age 1
    - When to Wean- another very readable article from Natural History Magazine, suggests that the natural (as opposed to cultural) age for weaning is between 2.5 and 7 years
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    COUGARTOWN Baby! From here on in!
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    Default Re: Husband Insisting We Wean!! :-(

    Whenever something like this comes up, the scapegoat, IMO it's best to taske the focus off weaning right away. Focus on your DH. Immediately. As soon as he starts trying to talk about it, refocus the conversation on HIM and YOU. And what's bothering him.
    And you may need to do some work there so you don't have to do some work here. You said you know it's not at the root of the problem. Do you know what is? Because that is where you need to go. Even if it' may be bigger and scarier than this. Most of the time when men try to put their foot down about weaning they feel like they have lost control of some aspect of their life or family and are trying to get it back.
    Has he lost his wife completely to a tandem nursing mother? Because if so it is your responsibility to work on that so he doesn't feel the need to work on this. IME if you are continuing to meet the needs of your DH this becomes much less of an issue. It's only when they children's need Eclipse the needs of the Dh that this comes up. Especially with a man who begins the journey as a supporter. And that's because they think that if weaning happens they will get what they want.
    So can we look at the bigger issue? Are you sexually active? I know it can be hard. I imagine with two kids it gets harder. But men equate sex with love. If they aren't getting any they often end up feeling unloved.
    Is this the issue? If not what else?
    IME the best and quickest way to deal with this is to get to root of the issue. Because you will be in a way better position to negotiate and set boundaries with him if you are meeting his needs.

    Way too lazy for formula

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    1,710

    Default Re: Husband Insisting We Wean!! :-(

    A good counselor should put their personal feelings aside (in either direction) and help you figure out how to make things work between the two of you, whatever that is. But if you're worried, one thing you could do is bring evidence about the benefits of breastfeeding beyond two to your first couple meetings in case you need to "defend" you position.

    Good luck...

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    St. Louis, MO
    Posts
    2,242

    Default Re: Husband Insisting We Wean!! :-(

    A good counselor should put their personal feelings aside (in either direction) and help you figure out how to make things work between the two of you, whatever that is.


    I'm Laura, mamma of 2

    5-27-06

    8-30-08

    We love and

    We have been nursing for over 2 years now!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    8,018

    Default Re: Husband Insisting We Wean!! :-(

    Also wanted to add some for you, mama!

    Great info/ideas from pps, especially djsmom and mommal!

    Best of luck to you, mama. I went through this for a while with DH and it was so hard. But he came around and we are doing great! Try to stay positive. Making sure he has accurate information about extended bf is a starting point. Making time for the two of you is also key to making it work.

    Molly

    Loving mama to JP (DS, 1/03 ~ nursed 6 mos), EL (DD1, 9/05 ~ nursed 4 yrs), EJ (DD2, 3/08 ~ nursed 3 yrs 9 mos), and
    JM (DD3, 6/12 ~ currently nursing), all born naturally
    Devoted wife to SAHD P, my hero
    A few of my favorite things that I've discovered on the forum: co-sleeping, baby-wearing, tandem nursing, baby-led solids, cloth diapering, APing, selective vaccination...the list goes on

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    72

    Default Re: Husband Insisting We Wean!! :-(

    Lindalu, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. You're working hard to meet the needs of both of your children, and it might feel as if you can't do that and meet your husband's needs, as well. I don't have any specific info for you, but wanted to chime in with my support. I'm glad you found this forum.
    Sue
    LLL Leader

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