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Thread: So confused about having a 2nd baby???

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Posts
    60

    Default So confused about having a 2nd baby???

    My son just turned 2 and is a very active nurser. He is night weaned as of 3 mos ago but nurses all day if i'm around. He's still very clingy to me. I love him to death but I still feel like he's very needy of me. Now, I'm considering getting pregnant. I KNOW he's not ready to wean so I'd have to nurse during pregnancy and probably tandem as well. I could try the "baby needs the milk" approach but my son is sooo stubborn and his "boo" is the only comfort object he has ever had. He was also colic for 6 months and up untill a couple of mos ago, up all night long. I just feel confused about the 2nd baby. Do I want to start all over again? I'm just starting to really enjoy my son more now. I don't want to have kids years from now. I feel like its now or never. It just seems like my life is so hard and tiring NOW. Then you add another all consuming baby on top. I'm just afraid I'll be resentful once I have it. I KNOW I'll love the new baby but I'm scared it will also be as difficult a child as my son. I feel like I want him to have a sibling more than I want another baby. Am I thinking too much? Please don't think I'm cold. I'm so not. I'm a very loving and self sacrificing mommy- which is why I wouldn't do anything different with the next baby. I just give so much of myself and love with all of me that i'm exausted sometimes- and that's with just one.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    200

    Default Re: So confused about having a 2nd baby???

    my older son was almost 2 when I got pregnant. he was an active nurser both day and night, and extremely attached to me. when i got pregnant, he naturally started nursing less because of the decrease in milk. at the same time, i would distract him by offering healthy snacks or doing other things with him that allowed us to be close even without nursing. he did continue to nurse throughout my pregnancy until I was 39 weeks pregnant and then he just stopped on his own (probably because I couldn't hold him the way he liked and we had to lay down in bed to nurse since we didn't fit on the sofa anymore!)
    I think that the pregnancy and baby can encourage the older one to become more independent. And by the time you get pregnany and deliver, he will be 3. They make great developmental strides in the transition from 2 to 3.
    If you want to add to your family, don't hesitate because of the older child. Things always work out. While there may be a brief period of time that is difficult, I think that it will work itself out.
    Mari
    Mohamed 6-9-06
    Jad 11-27-08

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Posts
    2,339

    Default Re: So confused about having a 2nd baby???

    My sister has just been through this. Her DD1 is 2.5, and still an active nurser. Worse, she got very possessive about the boob and the first three nights with DD2, she latched on and drained the breasts a couple of times. So my sister decided that DD1 needed to night wean. We all expected major drama, but her DD1 has totally gone for it! No probs! My sister said that it was like she was just waiting for an alternative and once it was offered, she happily accepted it.

    I guess my point is that you never know until you try. If you want another lo, then do it! If you just want a sib for DS, well, there are worse reasons, but you don't want to resent the new baby because of the time and effort involved with a newborn, yk?
    Jess

    Mama to my little Roxie Roo, 06/11/08


    April miles for TBTTW: 63

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Michigan
    Posts
    72

    Default Re: So confused about having a 2nd baby???

    Others have posted some good thoughts, so I'm just chiming in to let you know you are not alone. We mothers want to give everything we have to the children we have today, and it's difficult to think of our special relationships changing as we add a new baby to the family. You have a very personal decision in front of you, and I hope you can find the support you need here.
    Sue
    LLL Leader

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    47

    Default Re: So confused about having a 2nd baby???

    There are 23 months between my two daughters. They are now nearly 4 and nearly 6 and I have to say having two kids is more than twice the love, more than twice the wonder.
    They are best friends now (yes they do fight at times!) and I just can't imagine not having them both.
    It IS overwhelming at times to have small kids, especially when one seems to be nursing non-stop, but that passes!

    I know it's not really about the nursing, but I just wanted to give you some positive thoughts.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    14

    Default Re: So confused about having a 2nd baby???

    I felt very similar to you. I am in my late 30s and needed fertility treatments to get pg with my first, so at the same time I felt I didn't have time to waste. In the summer when my son was 2.5, he was still nursing 4-6 times a day, including to fall asleep, and it felt really overwhelming to think about meeting the needs of two. I managed to get pg anyway, but miscarried within a few days of finding out. A few weeks after that, my son dropped his nap and also stopped nursing every morning, so we are now down to bedtime, not more than once at night, and sometimes first thing in the morning. This has really shifted my perception of his dependence (even though he is still high needs) and I can "see the light at the end of the tunnel" so to speak. I feel much better about getting pg now (my son just turned 3) - most of the time ;-)

    Just keep in mind that 9 months can make a big difference in your child's maturity, and also - it seems like most of those I know who had high needs 1st children have a much easier time with their 2nd. Better than way than the other way around, I figure!!

    Best wishes!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    12

    Default Re: So confused about having a 2nd baby???

    Hi. I just also wanted to lend my support here. My son is 19 mos and still nurses a lot whenever we're together. Beyond just nursing, he also requires nearly constant attention. I like the term "high spirited" better than "high needs", BTW. Having a second child is a daunting thought some days. My DH is worried that too many years between kids won't allow them to be friends. I think, having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby is so awe-inspiring that to be too clinical or mathmatical about it sort of diminishes the amazing miracle. That said, I also have a dream to be preg by three months after my DS's 2nd birthday (talk about the math.... : )

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Landof2toddlers, Oregon
    Posts
    3,113

    Default Re: So confused about having a 2nd baby???

    just to be devil's advocate - another baby should be right for your whole family - including you. Having a baby because you think your daughter needs one may or may not be a good idea. Thee are only children who would have killed for a sib and sibs who get along fantastically but the are also happy onlys and sibs who cannot stand the sight of each other (some - though they are very rare - even when they reach adulthood).

    I have read many times that it takes your body three years to recover from pregnancy. When you have a high needs child it can take longer - the lack of sleep plays hell on your brain and body. Why not relax and enjoy the good times for a little while (maybe without BC if you think you would be OK if another one came along) without actively "trying" to get pregnant and see what happens? You finally get the rewards you deserve (happy responsive LO who sleeps, your body gets to recover before starting over, and your LO gets just a little bit more just me and mommy time - which could be all she needs to get that confident independence we are APing toward.

    The decision is for you and your DH to make but a lot of us have some basic assumption we should challenge (even if we find out they are right after thinking it through hard).
    proud but exhausted working mammy to two high needs babies

    • my surprise baby: the one and only D-Man born 3 weeks late (5/5/08) at 9 lbs 14 oz and 21.5 inches, and
    • the shock H-Girl born about a week late (10/7/09) at 8lbs 15oz and 20.75 inches.


    If I am here I am covered in baby (probably two) and fighting for control of the keyboard.

    Family beds are awesome

    Wondering if you have PPD? Take the screening and see your doctor. You deserve to feel better.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    12

    Default Re: So confused about having a 2nd baby???

    Hi. Point well taken, durhamgrrl. Is there a study or research you know of about it taking three years to recover, etc? And, yes, my DS didn't sleep for the first 10 months and I often feel like I'm still recovering. I know my immune system isn't all there yet and I know another pregnancy would take a lot more energy than I have right now. Time (and fate) will tell...

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Landof2toddlers, Oregon
    Posts
    3,113

    Default Re: So confused about having a 2nd baby???

    I first read about it years ago (in the book that points out that a pregnancy acts like a parasite - that made me take my prenatals!) and I know I have heard about studies on npr. I will look it up and get back to you. Are you getting the time to look after yourself (I'm not there yet). If you're not still, try taking prenatal vitamins, making sure you are eating a balanced diet - proteins and carbs as well as LOTS of veggies and make sure you exercise. Oh and keep drinking lots of water. You will increase your recovery time that way and feel better/enjoy your LO more.

    I have a fairly high needs baby myself and when you add in work (what you do in the house or outside of it that is not specifically baby rearing) you would have to be superwoman to cope very well. btw I don't really do any of the above myself, but I know I should.

    You are right, fate will take a hand. ime babies come when they choose
    proud but exhausted working mammy to two high needs babies

    • my surprise baby: the one and only D-Man born 3 weeks late (5/5/08) at 9 lbs 14 oz and 21.5 inches, and
    • the shock H-Girl born about a week late (10/7/09) at 8lbs 15oz and 20.75 inches.


    If I am here I am covered in baby (probably two) and fighting for control of the keyboard.

    Family beds are awesome

    Wondering if you have PPD? Take the screening and see your doctor. You deserve to feel better.

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