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Thread: Feeling A Little Trapped....

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
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    Ontario, Canada
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    Red face Feeling A Little Trapped....

    LO is doing great and I am just head over heels in love with her. She'll be 11 weeks old tomorrow.

    We are exclusively breast feeding and doing well with it. We haven't supplemented formula in almost 3 weeks!! My issue is that DH will often just disappear to do whatever he wants without asking me. Maybe I had something I needed / wanted to do. When I talk to him about it, he says "Well why didn't you say something?" Well I didn't know that you were planning on going anywhere now then did I?

    It's not his fault. I mean, LO feeds every 3 hours in general, sometimes every 2 hours during the day. So it typically means that we can't be away from each other for long.

    I guess what I'm looking for is some help to get a break. I'd love to be able to nurse her, turn her over to DH and head out to run a quick errand. The problem is that there's always something to do, something comes up, whatever.... You all know the drill.

    I'm dealing with it, but I'd like to nip this in the bud before it becomes a real problem, you know? So how do you coordinate breaks for yourself?
    Mommy to our DD1 early bird (34 weeks, 2 days, 7lbs, 14oz)! Oct. 2nd, 2008 Emergency C-Section, Frank Breech, HEALTHY Girl!
    Weaned @ 17 months
    Our DD2 early bird (37 weeks, 3 days, 7lbs, 12oz) Aug. 10th, 2010 Our Successful VBAC, growing like a bad weed!
    Weaned @ 15 months
    Our DD3 early bird (37 weeks, 3 days, 7lbs, 6oz) Feb. 16th, 2012 Our 2nd VBAC and lightening speedy birth!

    Loving being a Mom of 3, 40 months apart!!
    and

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Feeling A Little Trapped....

    that sounds like a totally normal dh thing at least in this household
    Unless I ask I don't recieve.. My dh doesn't think that way, so in order for me to get a break I need to ask.. I used to give him the baby and take our dog and go for a walk.. also I would go grocery shopping but take my time and walk up and down each isle.. coffee and a book at a local store or even in the car.. the hardest part is that you need to ask sometimes I often think our Dh's feel helpless when we breast feed since we are providing for them that they can't do much to help so I tried to encourage involvment even if a few time it was dumping the baby in his lap and running as fast as I could out the door..
    Allie
    Wife to T
    Mother to 4 crazy ones

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
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    Default Re: Feeling A Little Trapped....

    I know what you mean!! I remember the first time I left home without Thomas, and while it felt really strange--I kept looking in the carseat to check on him--I also remember making it to the first stop sign on our street and just being almost giddy because I was alone (sleep deprivation may have had something to do with my giddiness, now that I think about it ). I felt like a teenager with the car for the first time.

    Even now, almost 21 months later, it's hard to go anywhere by myself. His dad is home with him all day, and I feel really guilty if I do anything without him after that. I love my time with him, but sometimes you just need a break. I think you're wise to address it now, because it's still an issue for me, and it's hard to break out of an established pattern.

    I love what PP said--drop the baby in his lap and run!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
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    Default Re: Feeling A Little Trapped....

    I find that I need to ask DH to watch the baby also. I will usually say 'Abby's next feeding is at X time and after I'm done feeding her I would like to do... do you mind hanging out with her for a while?' I feel like its ridiculous that I even have to ask him but he just doesn't think to offer! And he always says Oh - you don't want to take her with you? Like its easy to shop with a screaming 5 month old (she hates her car seat).
    The first time I went out without her I was in a panic! I don't even know how I drove to my destination and back. I wanted to be gone about 2 hours but ended up back at home within the hour.
    You are right at the point where it does get a little easier. Oh, and if all else fails, I agree with PP that drop and run works well!!
    DD (7/23/08) self weaned at 17 months
    DS (6/20/10) nursing like a champ

  5. #5
    Join Date
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    Default Re: Feeling A Little Trapped....

    I think the best thing you can do in your situation is communicate, communicate, communicate. When you get up in the morning, tell your husband "Honey, I would really like to do ____ today. I'll nurse DD and you just watch her for half an hour or so. Around what time of day do you think you'll be available?" The more advance warning you give your DH of your needs, the more likely it will be that your needs will get met.

    If that doesn't work, get yourself a sling and some nursing shirts. Most errands can be done with baby in tow, and you will feel liberated just by being out of the house, even with your baby in tow!
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
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    Default Re: Feeling A Little Trapped....

    With DS1, I made a pact with DH that every single evening, after feeding the baby and eating dinner that I got an hour of uninterrupted time for myself to do whatever I needed to do- wether it was take a shower, go for a walk, catch up on some reading, whatever.... After a few weeks of this, he started to enjoy their time together and got more comfortable with it and I could stretch it out to an hour and a half or two hours and possibly go to the store or something.

    You can start small and ask for a half hour of time or whatever and work your way up to more.
    Mari
    Mohamed 6-9-06
    Jad 11-27-08

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Feeling A Little Trapped....

    Thanks ladies. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in my feelings and I don't need to feel guilty about having them.

    DH is really great with LO. He actually gets irritated with me because I don't nap as often as I should. It's just that it would be nice if he'd assume to take the baby rather than me always asking him to take the baby. Subtle difference, but different you know?

    I love the advice of saying in the morning, "I'd like to do this today...." and the additional advice of an hour after dinner, he gets her. I think DH would really be into this and it would take the guess work out of things. I shouldn't expect him to be a mind reader (and its a good thing he isn't!!! ).
    Mommy to our DD1 early bird (34 weeks, 2 days, 7lbs, 14oz)! Oct. 2nd, 2008 Emergency C-Section, Frank Breech, HEALTHY Girl!
    Weaned @ 17 months
    Our DD2 early bird (37 weeks, 3 days, 7lbs, 12oz) Aug. 10th, 2010 Our Successful VBAC, growing like a bad weed!
    Weaned @ 15 months
    Our DD3 early bird (37 weeks, 3 days, 7lbs, 6oz) Feb. 16th, 2012 Our 2nd VBAC and lightening speedy birth!

    Loving being a Mom of 3, 40 months apart!!
    and

  8. #8

    Default Re: Feeling A Little Trapped....

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*mommal View Post
    I think the best thing you can do in your situation is communicate, communicate, communicate. When you get up in the morning, tell your husband "Honey, I would really like to do ____ today. I'll nurse DD and you just watch her for half an hour or so. Around what time of day do you think you'll be available?" The more advance warning you give your DH of your needs, the more likely it will be that your needs will get met.

    If that doesn't work, get yourself a sling and some nursing shirts. Most errands can be done with baby in tow, and you will feel liberated just by being out of the house, even with your baby in tow!
    Plus, in our house, we have a rule, where we just don't leave the house without letting the other one know about it if we're home together. It's just a courtesy YK? So he doesn't leave 5 minutes before dinner's on the table and end up with a cold meal, or so I don't just up and go for a walk alone while he's in the bathroom and the kids are trying to beat down the door to play with him

    It all comes back to communication. If you don't tell the men what you need, they will assume you don't need anything. They don't always think any deeper than that.

  9. #9

    Default Re: Feeling A Little Trapped....

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*amysmom View Post
    It's just that it would be nice if he'd assume to take the baby rather than me always asking him to take the baby. Subtle difference, but different you know?
    I'm sorry, it's hard to wrap your mind around this at first with a newborn, but you may not see your dh figuring out what you need and just taking care of it before you have to ask him too often. I think they just assume that if you "really" need something that you'll tell them in clear plain English, because that's how they deal with other men.

    They're not always very good at trying to figure out what you want or need when you haven't told them first. They know they'll get in deep trouble if they assume the wrong thing, so they try not to make any assumptions at all It will help you a little bit to be clear and concise about exactly what you need, and try not to feel bad that you need to do that. For some reason, it totally stresses them to try to assume what you need when you haven't said anything

  10. #10
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    Landof2toddlers, Oregon
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    Default Re: Feeling A Little Trapped....

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*francis.breadandjam View Post
    I'm sorry, it's hard to wrap your mind around this at first with a newborn, but you may not see your dh figuring out what you need and just taking care of it before you have to ask him too often. I think they just assume that if you "really" need something that you'll tell them in clear plain English, because that's how they deal with other men.

    They're not always very good at trying to figure out what you want or need when you haven't told them first. They know they'll get in deep trouble if they assume the wrong thing, so they try not to make any assumptions at all It will help you a little bit to be clear and concise about exactly what you need, and try not to feel bad that you need to do that. For some reason, it totally stresses them to try to assume what you need when you haven't said anything
    I know that this is usually true but I still think that it is baloney. Men do this because they are allowed to (it starts in childhood so we boy moms should watch ourselves). Yes there are biological gender differences but we can be socialized out of those. Personally I think my DH is unobservant and self centered and likes to make me ask because then he can go on about me being demanding. That being said I love him dearly and he is a fantastic dad but I think something is going to have to give. I am really hungry - didn't you say you were going to cook (at 9pm after discussing dinner all day)? is clear enough for a moron

    sorry for and thanks for letting me vent.
    Last edited by @llli*durhamgrrl; December 18th, 2008 at 03:53 PM.
    proud but exhausted working mammy to two high needs babies

    • my surprise baby: the one and only D-Man born 3 weeks late (5/5/08) at 9 lbs 14 oz and 21.5 inches, and
    • the shock H-Girl born about a week late (10/7/09) at 8lbs 15oz and 20.75 inches.


    If I am here I am covered in baby (probably two) and fighting for control of the keyboard.

    Family beds are awesome

    Wondering if you have PPD? Take the screening and see your doctor. You deserve to feel better.

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