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Thread: Not the support I expected from DH

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
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    Default Not the support I expected from DH

    So, if you followed my other thread, I'm heading out on a business trip for the next several days and contemplating using this as an opportunity to wean 16mos DD. I've pretty much decided (I think...bound to change my mind...again) that I won't offer when I get home and see what happens.

    Anywho, so potentially last night was my last time nursing DD (she only nurses at night now). So, as DH and I settle into bed I comment, "Well, this might be the last night I nurse DD." And DH responds, "Uh huh." That's it. Nothing else. So I now I'm feeling upset and honestly, I wasn't that upset about the last session because I'm not 100% it was the last session. But now I'm upset that DH isn't being supportive. So, he says, "Are you upset?" And I say, "Yeah, thinking about weaning DD makes me a bit sad." And again, nothing from him. No, "You shouldn't be sad, you've done such a great thing and 16mos is quite an accomplishment." Or, "If you are sad about it then don't do it." Or even, "I can see why you'd be sad. I'm here for you." Nope. Not a word. Two minutes later DD wakes up crying and I go nurse her some more. End of our conversation.

    I guess what upsets me is that he has always been so encouraging and supportive of my nursing DD and even suggested that I take pumping back up a few months ago when we were trying to determine if DD had a milk allergy saying that he wanted to make sure she was getting good nutrition. So WTF DH?

    So I now that the sense that he's been wanting the weaning to happen for some time now and I can only imagine what he'll think (and yet not say) if I take nursing back up when I return from the trip.
    I'm Wendi.
    Mom to:
    DD1 7/28/07 for 21 mos and weaned with
    &
    DD2 12/16/09

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
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    1,780

    Default Re: Not the support I expected from DH

    sorry mama! It's hard when you want and expect to hear something from them and they don't respond. I would talk to him because it may not be what your thinking, he may not know how to respond and thought he was taking the safest route possible.

    !
    Kelly

    Mommy to Gabriel born 12/25/06 Breastfed 12/25/06 - 12/09 and possibly here and there still
    Madelyn born 9/24/09 delivered at home and caught by my husband

    "To put the world right in order, we must first put the nation in order; to put the nation in order, we must first put the family in order; to put the family in order, we must first cultivate our personal life; we must first set our hearts right."

  3. #3

    Default Re: Not the support I expected from DH

    I'm sorry he didn't say what you wanted to hear Sometimes dh's just don't...

    That being said though, you have mentioned wanting to wean your dd for some time now. I'm assuming you've talked it over with him many times, so when you said "Well, this might be the last night I nurse DD", in his head, he was probably thinking you were just stating a fact, YK? He thinks that's what you want, so he just acknowledges that you said it out loud with his "uh-huh".

    You probably confused him when he realized you were upset. He probably wondered what on earth he'd said wrong, or didn't say wrong, and holed up and didn't say anything for fear of saying the wrong thing after that point.

    Fathers teach their sons to not say anything instead of saying something that might get them in trouble I've seen my FIL tell my dh things like that.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Not the support I expected from DH

    I'm so sorry his response disappointed you. There's really no way he can possibly understand, though. Even most women would not understand had they not been through it themselves. If you think it would help you could try explaining it to him from your point of view. You may get more sympathy if you just explain how the idea of weaning makes you feel rather than how his response was disappointing. Tell him what you need, that you want his support in the emotional process of weaning for you as well as the physical and emotional process for DD.

    We understand, though, and we're hear to listen and sympathize with you if you still don't get the emotional support you need from DH.
    “We are not put on earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.”
    --Anonymous

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    Default Re: Not the support I expected from DH

    I had a discussion recently with DH that went similarly. He's been agitating to get moving with the weaning, and while I've been complaining about nursing lately, I know that I will be sad when it actually happens. I tried to explain that to him the other day, that he needs to be a bit sensitive because it will be an emotional thing for me. I got a similar non-response. I think it's just that they know they really don't understand, so better not to say anything.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
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    Default Re: Not the support I expected from DH

    Yes, you are right. He probably just didn't know what to say in response and chose to keep his mouth shut instead of potentially upsetting me further. He's always been a "they're your boobs so it's your decision" kind of guy regarding BF, so he probably doesn't feel right offering an opinion.

    Thanks for the perspective ladies. I needed it.

    Well I'm off to catch my flight. Wish us all luck (me with pumping while away and making up my mind about weaning, and DH and DD with handling 4 days w/out me and mama milk).
    I'm Wendi.
    Mom to:
    DD1 7/28/07 for 21 mos and weaned with
    &
    DD2 12/16/09

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Not the support I expected from DH

    Good luck mama, have a great trip.
    “We are not put on earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.”
    --Anonymous

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
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    Default Re: Not the support I expected from DH

    I'm back home and we are still nursing. DD asked for it, make that demanded, so I obliged. And as you ladies suggested, I misread DHs lack of response. In fact, he actually encouraged me to nurse her when I got home because she hadn't pooped in 2 days and he thought the BM would help.
    I'm Wendi.
    Mom to:
    DD1 7/28/07 for 21 mos and weaned with
    &
    DD2 12/16/09

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Not the support I expected from DH

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*lilbirdie22 View Post
    I'm back home and we are still nursing. DD asked for it, make that demanded, so I obliged. And as you ladies suggested, I misread DHs lack of response. In fact, he actually encouraged me to nurse her when I got home because she hadn't pooped in 2 days and he thought the BM would help.
    Men can be less than responsive when they don't know what to say sometimes. At least you know where he stands now. "Your boobs, your decision."

    Mama to my little Diva: Miss K (7/15/06)
    And her little sister: Lulu Pie (3/21/09)

    "Don't toush da mango"
    One-handed typer Extraordinaire!
    My body creates, houses, nurtures and nourishes life. That is awesome.
    Kegel Kop says: TIGHTEN UP!

  10. #10
    Join Date
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    Default Re: Not the support I expected from DH

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*lilbirdie22 View Post
    I'm back home and we are still nursing. DD asked for it, make that demanded, so I obliged. And as you ladies suggested, I misread DHs lack of response. In fact, he actually encouraged me to nurse her when I got home because she hadn't pooped in 2 days and he thought the BM would help.
    So how did you feel while you were on the trip? You are a braver mama than I... I keep turning down business trips because I don't want to leave my LO and have her wean... Did you pump while you were gone? Do tell how it all went...

    Buff
    IRL all my friends call me Buff, Wife to CB since 10/11/2003

    Mom to DD - "MJ" born 9/2007 @ 8lbs 10oz, 21.5" She's 6 years old!
    My journey nursing MJ started HERE, but we got through it and she breastfed 19.5 months, self-weaned on 5/17/09


    Mom to my current nursling, DS - "ME" born 10/2009 @ 10lbs 1oz, 22.25" He's 4 years old! And yup, he's still nursing.

    Ask me about my successful VBAC! Click here for my birth story.



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