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Thread: Enforcing my desires with family

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    34

    Default Enforcing my desires with family

    How do you all express your wants with your baby with family without causing hard feelings.

    Me, LO, and DH were to dinner with some of DH friends. She was holding my LO and proceeded to feed him a spoon full of icecream and whipped cream. I immediately shouted and she was very offended and told me she fed her daughter milk at 7 months. OK my DS is 5 1/2 months, breastfed, and I just started to let him experiment with cereal. I was incredibly upset for reasons beyond icecream to a 5 month old? I would have asked even if he was 5 years old. And from what I'm learning, no dairy until after 1 year old.

    So this is got me worried. We will be staying with the in-laws possibly for a month or longer. How am I going to tactfully enforce my raising desires for my DS? Is this situation going to drive me to insanity. Another piece to the situation is that we currently live 6 hours from both families so I have had no help or no company with DS. Is it normal to miss DS when other's are holding him?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    8,272

    Default Re: Enforcing my desires with family

    I am polite, firm and consistent. My DH backs me 150%.

    Our family - our rules.

    And honestly - I really don't care if I briefly hurt someones feelings.

    We are flexible about things that don't matter, but for the big things (including food) we are very explicit about the rules.

    I can do it politely ... some things I say before laying down the "rules" that make it not about my parenting vs. theirs.

    "You may not have realized it, but the current recommendation from the American Association of Pediatricians and the World Health Organization are ... "

    "Our pediatrician says ... "

    And then dig in your heels and stand firm.

    I'm pretty sure my MIL thinks some of our parenting decisions are nutso, but she is not the mother I am.

    If people seem like the are willing to listen and learn then I explain WHY we have those rules. Otherwise I politely listen to their "advice" and then cheerfully totally ignore them.
    Lynn
    DS1: bf 7/2006 -> 4/2009; multiple food allergies
    DS2: bf 9/2009 -> ???
    ; multiple food allergies
    Breastmilk Donor - http://hmbana.org/index/donatemilk
    Click HERE to learn about baby led solids (BLS) / baby led weaning (BLW)

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    3,319

    Default Re: Enforcing my desires with family

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*lsksam View Post
    I am polite, firm and consistent. My DH backs me 150%.

    Our family - our rules.

    And honestly - I really don't care if I briefly hurt someones feelings.

    We are flexible about things that don't matter, but for the big things (including food) we are very explicit about the rules.

    I can do it politely ... some things I say before laying down the "rules" that make it not about my parenting vs. theirs.

    "You may not have realized it, but the current recommendation from the American Association of Pediatricians and the World Health Organization are ... "

    "Our pediatrician says ... "

    And then dig in your heels and stand firm.

    I'm pretty sure my MIL thinks some of our parenting decisions are nutso, but she is not the mother I am.

    If people seem like the are willing to listen and learn then I explain WHY we have those rules. Otherwise I politely listen to their "advice" and then cheerfully totally ignore them.


    I'm pretty sure my family has thought some of our decisions were weird because they were different from the norm for my family (is that confusing enough? lol). I am respectful but firm, and everyone knows that when we say we do this or don't do this, we're not taking a vote. And it works! Good luck to you, and enjoy seeing your family fall in love with your baby.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Sunny Arizona
    Posts
    3,171

    Default Re: Enforcing my desires with family

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*lsksam View Post
    I am polite, firm and consistent. My DH backs me 150%.

    Our family - our rules.

    And honestly - I really don't care if I briefly hurt someones feelings.

    We are flexible about things that don't matter, but for the big things (including food) we are very explicit about the rules.

    I can do it politely ... some things I say before laying down the "rules" that make it not about my parenting vs. theirs.

    "You may not have realized it, but the current recommendation from the American Association of Pediatricians and the World Health Organization are ... "

    "Our pediatrician says ... "

    And then dig in your heels and stand firm.

    I'm pretty sure my MIL thinks some of our parenting decisions are nutso, but she is not the mother I am.

    If people seem like the are willing to listen and learn then I explain WHY we have those rules. Otherwise I politely listen to their "advice" and then cheerfully totally ignore them.



    When it comes to my kids and what goes into their bodies I don't really care if I hurt anyone's feelings. I don't go out of my way to do it but I won't allow something to continue just to spare feelings.

    You HAVE to get your DH to back you up no matter what. Do your research and explain why you want things done a certain way and why it's best for your LO. Let him know that you guys can disagree and discuss things in private but in front of others you are a united front.

    My parents are the problem so I simply tell my dad, either you follow our rules or you don't see the kids. Plain and simple. As for dealing with your MIL just tell her "A lot has changed since you raised your kids and we're just following the recommendations of our peditrician. They have specific guidelines on when to introduce foods in order to avoid life long allergies and problems. I know I can count on you to support us in this, since you want what is best for LO as well"

    And yes it's normal to miss your baby when someone else is holding him

    Amy married to my bestfriend since 10/30/04

    Proud SAHM to DS born 2/17/07 and DD born 9/11/08 Both weaned together 11/2011
    Currently milk, peach, peanut and tree nut free. DD has outgrown her wheat, cheese, egg, garlic, and citrus allergies

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    St. Louis, MO
    Posts
    2,242

    Default Re: Enforcing my desires with family

    Stand your ground mamma! Make sure DH stands behind you in everything. You're family-you're rules. People shouldn't have a hard time understanding this!


    I'm Laura, mamma of 2

    5-27-06

    8-30-08

    We love and

    We have been nursing for over 2 years now!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    2,476

    Default Re: Enforcing my desires with family

    I have to admit this scenario bothers me. I'm not worried about my family, but my IL's. MIL has a very odd sense of humor so it's hard to tell when she's joking or being serious (MIL is not a funny woman). The possibility of her babysitting one day has caused me to lose sleep. I don't believe she'll adhere to our wishes.

    I've already caught her walking away from Amy when she's on the couch. I don't care if she's not rolling over yet - do you want today to be the first?!?! She's also been very open with the "maybe she's not getting enough" in reference to my BFing, "you have to put her down" when we're snuggling and how "crying won't hurt her".

    I think in the end, you have to be your child's advocate and do what you feel you need to do as her mother.

    P.S. I can't believe someone would just feed your baby something without asking you. She's got some nerve!!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    8,272

    Default Re: Enforcing my desires with family

    If you're worried about your MIL then it is ESSENTIAL that you and your DH agree (at least in public) on key parenting issues and your DH MUST back you 150% of the time with his mother.
    Lynn
    DS1: bf 7/2006 -> 4/2009; multiple food allergies
    DS2: bf 9/2009 -> ???
    ; multiple food allergies
    Breastmilk Donor - http://hmbana.org/index/donatemilk
    Click HERE to learn about baby led solids (BLS) / baby led weaning (BLW)

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    4,007

    Default Re: Enforcing my desires with family

    I said to my mother in law (when ds1 was younger) that "We are his parents, and therefore we make the parenting decisions. We set the rules. If he is in your care you will follow the rules that we have at home. It doesn't matter if you agree with our rules or not, you need to respect us enough to abide by them." I followed with "You had your rules for your children and it's our turn to be the parents now."

    because the fact of the matter is - it doesn't matter if she thinks you have 4 heads. Your child - your rules.
    ~Jenn~


    mother of 2 boys!
    08/14/98~~03/20/08

    Birth: 7lbs 12oz, 1 year: 22lbs 11oz
    until he self-weaned 4 days before his third birthday ... still on occasion ... and happily

    ************************************************** ************************************************** *****************
    People need to understand that when they're deciding between breastmilk and formula, they're not deciding between Coke and Pepsi.... They're choosing between a live, pure substance and a dead substance made with the cheapest oils available. ~Chele Marmet

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    20,653

    Default Re: Enforcing my desires with family

    Wow, the person who fed your baby junk food without your permission had some nerve. You were justifiably upset.

    You might want to relate that story to you ILs before you visit. If you explain how upset you were, and why you were upset, they might get the point without further explanation.
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    34

    Default Re: Enforcing my desires with family

    Thank you moms!!!

    That's a great suggestion to bring up the "don't" conversation to start with "can you believe so in so tried to feed him. . . Please don't try to feed him anything WITHOUT MY PERMISSION." Like you, amysmom, my MIL makes me more than nervous at the thought of what her naiveness might bring about.

    And yes I was sooooo upset by the triing to feed icecream. Upset and abosolutely shocked. I couldn't believe it. Icecream with whipped cream of all things!!!

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