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Thread: Everyone is so unsupportive

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Great Britain!
    Posts
    100

    Unhappy Everyone is so unsupportive

    I am so fed up right now, so this is a huge rant!
    I have to go back to work seven weeks on wednesday, and I'm trying my very hardest to get Lilly to take a bottle, doing it while she's not too hungry, not pushing it on her and being really gentle etc. So, she's been doing ok with the sleepy feeds and taking it, but not while she's awake. Yesterday I let my partner feed her and it went really well. So, I thought, how about giving it a go again today on a less sleepy feed. He took the bottle, and I was upstairs putting some laundry away. I heard her giving her "no, I definitely DO NOT WANT IT" noise (believe me, it was loud and clear), and I had to tell him THREE TIMES to stop it. SO, that's now set us back for at least three weeks with the bottle feeding. I'm so upset and angry at him.
    I just know that when I go back to work, he is not going to help me one bit. He never gets up on time for work anyway, and I've been gently putting it to him that he's going to have to get up early to dress lilly after i've done her first feed in the morning so I can get ready for work. Believe me, he is either totally not listening to what i've said, or ignoring me.
    I'm doing my best and breaking my back to feed our baby, and it's only through luck that she actually sleeps through the night. I think I would have a nervous breakdown if she didn't!
    I do most of (85%) the housework, pretty much all of the cooking and the shopping. He hasn't ironed a shirt since I went on maternity leave, and, quite frankly I am becoming very resentful of how ungrateful he is. I don't want a round of applause, just a hug and a thank you every so often would do.
    At the weekends, he stays in bed as long as he likes, and then whines about being tired, even though I'm up a good 3 hours before him! I don't know what he thinks I'm doing all day. At least while he is at work he gets to be with his friends and goes out for lunch etc.
    He just doesn't realise that he really should take his cues from me, because I have to deal with the fall out if he doesn't. I know this all makes me sound so horrible, but it's just boiling away inside me, and I think we're going to have the biggest row fairly soon if he doesn't step up to it. I know he works hard during the week, and "wants a rest" (ie: 14 hours sleep- I am not joking) at the weekend, but maybe I want a rest too, and he doesn't realise that with a 17 week old baby, it's really hard.
    I'm so sorry ladies for being such a moaner, but I honestly have no-one else to talk to about this, so all I can do is write this on here.
    TIA
    PS. The families are pretty dire too, but you must be bored of this by now
    Proud mummy to Lillypig, in love with my best friend and partner, Batfink
    One year done, and still going strong.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    2,552

    Default Re: Everyone is so unsupportive

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have much to say but Hopefully someone else has been through this and can give you some good advice.
    Beth

    Exclusively pumped for Lance Oct 07
    Nursed until just before he turned 3 Levi Oct 09

    Do you have extra milk? Consider donating!
    http://www.hmbana.org/:

    "So I was welcomed by the consolations of human milk; but it was not my mother or my nurses who made any decision to fill their breasts, but you who through them gave me infant food, in accordance with your ordinance and the riches which are distributed deep in the natural order." -St Augustine

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    Location
    Great Britain!
    Posts
    100

    Default Re: Everyone is so unsupportive

    Thank you for even reading this. I feel so selfish, but I am COMPLETELY on the edge.
    Proud mummy to Lillypig, in love with my best friend and partner, Batfink
    One year done, and still going strong.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    2,738

    Default Re: Everyone is so unsupportive

    Mama to my Rubies
    C '07
    A '09
    And my Christmas Eve baby
    L '12
    I will carry you all my life
    And I will praise the one who's chosen me to carry you
    W Apr '11
    R Nov '11
    The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart. *Helen Kellar*

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    69

    Default Re: Everyone is so unsupportive

    I feel your pain, honestly, I do My hubby works shift work, 12hr days and 1 hr commute each way, and let me tell you, he isn't worth a penny when he gets home. He spends an hour a day with lo, so it is hard on both of us. I cook, clean, go to school full time, do a internship two days a week, take care of lo. DH does no feedings, ever. Maybe five in the six months of lo's life. I still get aggravated though because once he is at work its easy; he can eat when he wants or go to the bathroom whenever he wants. Oh what a luxury! He always says I'm sorry, but I finally blew a fuse this week. I said, you know what, sorry @#$! I don't want to hear it. There are things you can do to help that would save me a lot of time, and you choose to do nothing. And if you tell me you are tired one more time, I going to tackle you(lo is up every two hours w/teething, which means mommy is too) So I made a list; empty the dishwasher, rinse bottles, throw clothes in dryer, take out trash, let me vent when I need to and just listen...I think he got the hint. Just ten minutes a day of help adds up. If all else fails, threaten to withhold sex


    New Mommy to Michael 4-5-08
    and and new to the world of

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Landof2toddlers, Oregon
    Posts
    3,113

    Default Re: Everyone is so unsupportive

    I'm so sorry. Don't ever think you don't have a right to be selfish or moan once in a while. And you are NOT being selfish. You have a right to some support and you're not getting it. I have been there and done that.

    for me it goes something like... DH doesn't get it at all, I have a melt down, he gets better, I calm down - then repeat.

    What seems to work best is short, explicit instructions. I am not comfortable doing this - but you may be. "Honey, I need you to take LO and change a diaper". "I need a five minute break - please take LO and read a book, you could also try looking in the mirror together or walking around the block". That kind of thing.

    You also need to tell him how you feel. This may be better done in writing. Explain what you do with your day so he can see it. If he still doesn't respond you will at least feel better about being pissed off at him.

    Let me know how all this advice works out for you - because I still havent fully done it myself
    proud but exhausted working mammy to two high needs babies

    • my surprise baby: the one and only D-Man born 3 weeks late (5/5/08) at 9 lbs 14 oz and 21.5 inches, and
    • the shock H-Girl born about a week late (10/7/09) at 8lbs 15oz and 20.75 inches.


    If I am here I am covered in baby (probably two) and fighting for control of the keyboard.

    Family beds are awesome

    Wondering if you have PPD? Take the screening and see your doctor. You deserve to feel better.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    928

    Default Re: Everyone is so unsupportive

    I've found that writing helps, but not exactly in the way the PP suggests because my DH never reads it , so I've given up emailing and leaving him notes. Instead I write everything I feel just to get it out and then I read it through and it usually helps me figure out what I need to do. Sometimes I write the problems on one side of a sheet of paper and then when I've calmed down a bit, I think of possible solutions on the other side. Sometimes I show him this - he appreciates logical thinking and the fact that I am trying to find solutions, even if they involve him letting me sleep late on a Saturday! I mean he prefers this to me doing the screaming banshee when I've finally had enough of not getting any help.

    I've found over 6 years of marriage and 26 months of parenthood that I need to tell DH exactly what I want him to do and why ('I need to rest so I can make milk' or 'I need a break or I'll throw the baby out the window' type thing). Hinting or complaining about his not offering to help just leads to an argument. What I've realised is that he is NEVER going to OFFER to help because he is simply incapable of noticing that the house is messy, it's dinner time, we have no clean clothes, etc. So I've given up trying to change him and instead know that I ask him clearly what I need him to do. And this may be just my husband, but I can tell him WHAT to do, but I can't also ask him WHEN to do it. So I ask and try to be patient... (I just read this to DH and he laughed but agreed with me)

    One of the most successful conversations we've had was when we agreed to listen to each other describe an average day in each of our lives. I told him exactly what I do from getting up to going to bed and he listened and didn't interrupt and then told me about his day. We were calm and really listened and it helped us understand each other. It really helped him realise that I simply didn't get a second to myself. We didn't try to find solutions that day, but both thought about it and then talked again about dividing some chores and making sanity time for each of us.

    The first six months after DS was born, we had some horrific screaming rows. It is (usually) so much better now and he really helps a lot. I have hopes that it will be better when this baby arrives because we've figured out how to communicate much better.

    Good luck
    Emma

    J from Aug '06 to Nov '08 and S from April 2009

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Oak Harbor, WA
    Posts
    79

    Default Re: Everyone is so unsupportive

    I'm going through alot of the same stuff.
    Daughter of God, Wife to my wonderful Hubby, Mama to DD(8-28-08) Angel Baby (8-2-09) and due with DS (7-5-10)!
    We , , and all day long!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    1,255

    Default Re: Everyone is so unsupportive

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*purple.monkey View Post
    I've found over 6 years of marriage and 26 months of parenthood that I need to tell DH exactly what I want him to do and why ('I need to rest so I can make milk' or 'I need a break or I'll throw the baby out the window' type thing). Hinting or complaining about his not offering to help just leads to an argument. What I've realised is that he is NEVER going to OFFER to help because he is simply incapable of noticing that the house is messy, it's dinner time, we have no clean clothes, etc. So I've given up trying to change him and instead know that I ask him clearly what I need him to do. And this may be just my husband, but I can tell him WHAT to do, but I can't also ask him WHEN to do it. So I ask and try to be patient... (I just read this to DH and he laughed but agreed with me)
    4 yrs of marriage and 3+ yrs of co-parenting two now tells me the same thing in my relationship with DH. He simply doesn't care about the state of the house (messy, dirty, etc.) and I DO. It's MY problem in his eyes that things need to be organized, neat and clean and dinner healthy and available. We both work FT so this is a particular thorn in my side. I do the same - specific tasks/requests, but I do put a deadline on him or else it wouldn't get done. Also, we have specific duties - 95% me and 5% him (he unloads the dishwasher and helps with adult laundry - not kids' laundry). He also takes care of the yard work. I do the rest, but I'm a control freak, too and have to realize this when it comes to our interactions. HOWEVER, he's a great dad who really loves the girls, so I keep that in mind as much as possible

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    Not around here as much :(
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    12,132

    Default Re: Everyone is so unsupportive

    Who will be caring for the baby when you're at work?
    Click here to find an LLL leader near you...or call 1 877 4 LA LECHE for help now.

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