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Thread: I feel robbed of my breastfeeding relationship

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2006

    Default I feel robbed of my breastfeeding relationship

    Without going into all the details because it would take too long, dd's parents are going through a divorce (mil had an affair). I am sorry that dh's is having to deal with that, but he is way too involved. He is in the middle of a he said, she said. He is back and forth on the phone with his parents every day and this has been going on for months. He has left dd and I twice to help his mom and talk to them. The last time he left was to fly to another state and help his mom drive back home. Her husband was going to go in the first place but then she asked him to come later because she didn't want an altercation b/w current husband and lover. Well, FIL asked dh to go. The lover has a criminal background and was doing psycho stuff so she wanted out of there. And my DH gets sent in. Long story short, since this has all happened, I haven't been able to bf dd very well. I feel robbed of my relationship with her and I have resentment towards the inlaws and my husband. I have anxiety when I try to bf dd now and it has created her to refuse the breast and when she does latch on my let-down is slow (10 minutes last night) because I am so anxious that she will pull off before I have a let down. She really only nurses during the night and last night she refused for the first time so I feel like I am losing that as well. I feel disheartened. I was committed to going a year and now I think my breastfeeding is ruined. I am not one for tears, but I could cry. I don't know how to let go of these feelings and get my relationship back with my daughter. This sucks! Thanks for letting me vent.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2006

    Default Re: I feel robbed of my breastfeeding relationship

    I am so sorry for the turmoil in your life and that it has affected your relationship with your DD. No advice, as I have not been in a similar situation, but wanted you to know that I read your post and will be hoping things resolve soon.

    Hang in there! Feel free to vent anytime.

    Amazed and Proud mom of Luke (Lucas) - 4/5/2006; 9 lbs 12 oz , 22in
    Wife to best friend Carl - 11/4/2001

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2006

    Default Re: I feel robbed of my breastfeeding relationship

    My parents divorced when I was older. I don't care weather your 1 or 21 it kills you inside. Your DH is going through so much emotionally. He feels like he needs to fix it. I know it's not fair but you kind of have to be there for baby and DH at this point. I would sit DH down and explain to him that you will support him in this because you know he's hurting, however, he needs to be supportive of this wonderful blessing and new relationship that is taking place. Let DH deal with the in-laws. You have something so much more precious to deal with. Sit down with your baby, take a deep breath, clear your mind, drink some water and bond with your baby. Don't let their problems interfere with you and yours. Unfortunately DH needs to realize that there's nothing he can do to fix it. The best thing he can do is have a relationship with both of his parents, seperate from each other. Visit dad and don't talk about mom, Visit mom and don't talk about dad. They are grown ups and they need to figure out what they're going to do on their own and stop putting your DH in the middle like a pawn. I know he's hurting but it will only get worse if he lets them pull him to "sides". I'm so sorry and you guys will be in my thoughts.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2006

    Default Re: I feel robbed of my breastfeeding relationship

    My mom and stepdad (they've been together for about 20 years, so he's just like a father to me) are going through a divorce right now, and my mom has already moved in with this guy that she's been seeing. She has young children (11, 6, and 3), so I'm having a hard time with the whole thing and I don't agree with anything she's doing. It's quite frustrating to me, because I want my baby to have a relationship with her grandma, but it seems like my mom is preoccupied with her new life. The hard thing with parents getting divorced when you're an adult and a parent yourself is that they look at you like an adult (which you are) and expect you to handle it better than a child, but you're still their child. You still feel heartbroken over it because you want your family to stay together. People expect it to not be as big of a deal to you because you have your own family and you should be able to understand and accept that sometimes things just don't work out. You should be able to look at it logically and realize that sometimes it's better for people to be apart and happy than together and miserable. But it just doesn't work that way. You just feel like you're 10 years old again and you just want your mommy and daddy to stay together forever. It's like your whole childhood is coming crashing down around you, and it's one thing that you always thought you'd have, but you have to accept that things will never be the same. It's almost harder when you have children of your own, because you know that they'll never go to "grandma and grandpa's" house like you did when you were little. Personally, I'm quite bitter about it, because it's like they're taking something away from my child and I'm mad.

    I'm sure your husband is going through a lot right now, and his parents need to realize that he is still their child and they can't put him in the middle of it. In all honesty, I think they should act as though he's 12 years old, because the divorce is still going to be really hard on him. Especially when there's an affair involved. Parents don't understand that it's not just the spouse that feels betrayed when there's an affair...it's the entire family. You should probably talk to your husband about the amount of stress that it's putting on both of you. And maybe it's necessary for him to cut off some of the contact with his parents so that they can learn to handle it themselves. I think it's horrible to put the divorce onto the kids, regardless of their age. It doesn't matter how old you are, you do not need to be involved in that aspect of your parents' lives. It's just too hard, and they should be able to take care of themselves.

    Anyway, I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this. I feel your pain, and there are a lot of people on here that are sending you their best wishes.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2006

    Default Re: I feel robbed of my breastfeeding relationship

    I am so sorry that you are having so many problems all at once.

    First, you need to try to remember that the problems you are having with your breastfeeding relationship are not your in-laws fault. The problems you are having with your breastfeeding relationship are not your husband's fault either. If the tables were turned on you, I'm sure you would do everything you could for your own parents to help them. They gave you life and you love them no matter what they do. Your husband obviously feels the same way, or he would not go to such great lengths to be there for them.

    Now, to address the second issue, I totally sympathize with you about dh being gone. My dh has to travel for work every couple of weeks, and it totally wears on you when your best friend and lover and helpmate and father to your children is gone. Personally, both our kids (3.5yrs and4.5mos.) have real "issues" when Daddy is gone. The both miss him terribly, and it comes out in their behavior...crying, whining etc. I thought that it really wouldn't be such a big deal, because I'm a stay at home mom, so I figured that our day would just be a little longer without daddy at home, but the kids, even the baby, know the difference. Their daddy is really devoted to them, and is home every day before dinner like clockwork. Just a couple of weeks ago, when daddy was gone, both kids were either crying or whining, but when Daddy called, and we set up the web cam, even the baby cooed and got happy.

    My point is this: #1, your dd probably misses her daddy when he is gone, and can tell that things are not right at other times. Kids are soooo intuitive, and she probably can't process why Daddy is upset. To top it off, you are getting upset with everything too, which obviously upsets her too. We women are so much more emotional, I think we probably react worse to bad things going on with our husbands immediate family than our husbands do. (I know I do on occasion). So, this is your opportunity to really help your husband. In our wedding vows, we promise to Love, Honor, and Cherish...one way to do that, is to support him in whatever he needs to do, and to do it with a smile on your face (even when you don't feel like smiling about it at all). He really needs you right now.

    #2 You need to make every effort to not be upset around your daughter, but show her that you support daddy and that everything is going to be just fine in her life. If you need a moment to get ahold of your feelings, call a friend, or a pastor, or a sister etc to talk, or hire a babysitter for an hour, or just go with your little one and talk to an older neighbor who seems lonely. Older persons love babies, it really brightens their day to see them. When you look past how you feel, and try to help someone else when they are needing it, you start to feel better yourself, and your own mood improves so much. [U]Once your daughter realizes that you aren't so worked up all the time around her, she will probably nurse much bett[/U]er. Little ones can't fully understand what's going on with adult's emotions and situations, so sometimes it's necessary to hide them from them. I know on occasion when I let a few tears fall, that the baby really doesn't know how to handle the situation. Maybe your daughter thinks she is the reason for your's and daddie's current moods. When they're small like that, I've heard that they really think that the world and everything in it revolves around them. (Not selfish exactly, but they don't understand that everything wasn't created for their benefit as they don't really have a concept of other people having lives and problems just like them yet.)

    #3 Crying is totally o.k., and sometimes it even helps you release emotion and start fresh. Just try to do it when baby is asleep and husband can't see you (with regard to this particular situation, as he needs your support, not to have to worry about you getting worked up because he's upset and his family is having problems. Other situations are totally O.K. to cry about in front of dh.)

    Good Luck, and if you need to vent or talk, feel free. We all know how you feel. That way, your little one will have a much happier Momma, and a happy Momma/wife is exactly what dh and baby need right now to feel safe and secure.
    Last edited by Mommie of 2; August 7th, 2006 at 12:33 PM.

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