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Thread: Jealous of SAHD

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
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    Default Jealous of SAHD

    To the point: I'm jealous of my DH, a SAHD.
    I work full time and pretty much always have. I've always been the primary bread-winner in our relationship and that's been okay. He's just not made for a conventional 9-5 job...

    I wish that I could be the one at home. I get jealous of him. I miss being with DD while I'm away at work. Another part of it is the house - he doesn't really do any chores and ESP doesn't do them while watching DD. I know that I could watch DD and keep the house clean, (I have on days when I've had to come home and work from home) so that makes me even more jealous about the situation...

    How do you deal with it? I know that I haven't been doing the best job of squelching this emotion - I don't treat DH as nicely as I could/used to (and he notices it and gets hurt by it). I TRY to make a conscious effort to be nice/good/loving, but it's hard sometimes.

    Does this get easier over time? (i.e. do the feelings of jealously wane?) Any tips for making it easier?

    TIA!

  2. #2
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    Jun 2006
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    Not around here as much :(
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    Default Re: Jealous of SAHD

    Can he find a non "9-5" job so you all could switch roles?
    Does he know how you feel?
    Did you both agree this is how it would be or is it just how it happened?

    Lots of available opportunities for people who aren't "9-5"
    Click here to find an LLL leader near you...or call 1 877 4 LA LECHE for help now.

    "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
    Emerson


    Ban the bags. ......... Watch your language. ....... Help keep Dr Newman's clinic open!

    We demand that our childcare providers are CPR certified... why don't we demand the same of ourselves! Get certified!

    I lost 22 lbs in 8 months... with a bit of determination and common sense information from this book.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
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    miles from nowhere
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    Default Re: Jealous of SAHD

    Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. My dh stayed home with our dd until she was about 9 months. I was jealous, too, but I very much appreciated the fact that she was with someone I knew was taking care of her, loving her, and interacting with her. Also he would catch me up on all the little cute things she'd do throughout the day, even the things that don't really seem important to anyone other than mommy and daddy. You don't usually get those things when your child is in day care. Thinking about that made me feel better when I'd start to get jealous and resentful.
    “We are not put on earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.”
    --Anonymous

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
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    Default Re: Jealous of SAHD

    I'm also the primary breadwinner (for lack of a better term) in our household, and my son's dad is a SAHD. I haven't experienced the jealousy part, but I think the flexibility of my work situation helps--as does the fact that he does the vast majority of the housework. One thing that has started happening, though, that I'm struggling with, is that over the past couple of days, Thomas wants his dad when he falls down, etc. In the past, it's always been me. Maybe I am jealous and just haven't thought about it in those terms. I love the relationship they have, and how they adore each other, but it's hard not to feel left out sometimes. I know it's a normal thing to happen and can be very rational about it--until it happens.

    I don't have any advice, just

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    133

    Default Re: Jealous of SAHD

    He's lead bouncer at a bar. He doesn't really make much money - honestly only about 1/4th of what I make a month.

    It WAS something we agreed on - even before we were trying to conceive. I had always said "there's no way I could be a SAHM - I'd go crazy"... How mistaken I was!

    He really enjoys his line of work and has talked about expanding that, but he's also a dreamer and ends up lacking "follow-through". He's also an amateur photographer (who does great work) but doesn't get any jobs. He says that he tries and always has people asking for them, but they never follow-through (it's a common theme in this town, I think). I've put up information at work and my LLL group, but no takers...

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Posts
    1,307

    Default Re: Jealous of SAHD

    I can kind of relate. DH works from home. Until recently he was home with DD (we recently put her back in daycare 2 days a week). He can do this because I work. I have gotten resentful at times. We have discussed it. It has opened my eyes to what he actually does during the day when I am at work (although sometimes, like you, I can't see that anything was done!). I think that it has gotten easier. But, if you are not happy, maybe you can think of some way to change it. Maybe there is a nontraditional job he can do which would make it easier for you to cut back and spend more time at home. Good luck!
    Mom to Lainey (11-8-06)

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    Not around here as much :(
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    Default Re: Jealous of SAHD

    WIth small/personal businesses one has to beat the pavement... jobs won't come to you - not in the beginning. He neds to have some shirts or something made up and pass 'em out at the bar or something

    Talk to him - see what can be done to 'fix' it, if you really want to stay home you guys can make it work.
    Click here to find an LLL leader near you...or call 1 877 4 LA LECHE for help now.

    "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
    Emerson


    Ban the bags. ......... Watch your language. ....... Help keep Dr Newman's clinic open!

    We demand that our childcare providers are CPR certified... why don't we demand the same of ourselves! Get certified!

    I lost 22 lbs in 8 months... with a bit of determination and common sense information from this book.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    sleepless in ohio
    Posts
    2,389

    Default Re: Jealous of SAHD

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*number3 View Post
    WIth small/personal businesses one has to beat the pavement... jobs won't come to you - not in the beginning. He neds to have some shirts or something made up and pass 'em out at the bar or something

    Some guy (a photographer just getting started) approached me in a restaurant with a business card once. He was a people/studio photographer and saw I had a baby with me. He knows how many pics moms take of their kiddos...I still have his card hanging on my fridge and periodically check his web site to see how good he's getting.

    My brother is a sculptor/photographer/painter. He's been to art festivals all over the country this summer with his pieces. He has a web site and had t-shirts made. Needless to say, he recently sold a $10,000 piece and has commissioned another piece to be put in some guy's mansion, next to a CHIHULY glass piece!

    A little bit of grunt work goes a looong way!
    Sarah- Mommy to Ally (4/16/06) , Katlyn (11/13/07) & Rebekah (10/21/09)
    All three, all natural!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Maryland
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    2,552

    Default Re: Jealous of SAHD

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*mumtothomas View Post
    I'm also the primary breadwinner (for lack of a better term) in our household, and my son's dad is a SAHD. I haven't experienced the jealousy part, but I think the flexibility of my work situation helps--as does the fact that he does the vast majority of the housework. One thing that has started happening, though, that I'm struggling with, is that over the past couple of days, Thomas wants his dad when he falls down, etc. In the past, it's always been me. Maybe I am jealous and just haven't thought about it in those terms. I love the relationship they have, and how they adore each other, but it's hard not to feel left out sometimes. I know it's a normal thing to happen and can be very rational about it--until it happens.

    I don't have any advice, just
    This is very much like our situation. I think that the fact DH does housework makes the situation easier. I think I might be bitter if I had to come home and do it. My son has also been looking to daddy for comfort, which is hard.
    Beth

    Exclusively pumped for Lance Oct 07
    Nursed until just before he turned 3 Levi Oct 09

    Do you have extra milk? Consider donating!
    http://www.hmbana.org/:

    "So I was welcomed by the consolations of human milk; but it was not my mother or my nurses who made any decision to fill their breasts, but you who through them gave me infant food, in accordance with your ordinance and the riches which are distributed deep in the natural order." -St Augustine

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    8,018

    Default Re: Jealous of SAHD

    My DH is also a SAHD (and has a small internet business as well). I am jealous at times but he does such a great job with the kids and usually keeps up on essential housework/chores (laundry, dishes, cooking, grocery shopping).
    I think that it you're really unhappy you need to tell your DH and talk about how you might rework your arrangements. I don't think it's fair for you to say, "Hey, DH, I think you need to go out and get a 9-5 so I can stay home."
    Also, I agree that it takes work to get a small business off the ground, but if he's spending his days with your LO and bouncing at night, you should maybe discuss with him strategies to make that happen. There's only so much time in a day. For example, we've started having a high school girl come over 1 or 2 mornings a week so DH can work on his internet business.
    Too many WOH parents think that the SAH spouse is being lazy or doesn't do enough around the house.
    I'd suggest that you approach this by telling him your feelings and discussing how your family can move forward and change if needed. I would NOT focus on accusing him of not doing enough housework or being lazy.

    Molly

    Loving mama to JP (DS, 1/03 ~ nursed 6 mos), EL (DD1, 9/05 ~ nursed 4 yrs), EJ (DD2, 3/08 ~ nursed 3 yrs 9 mos), and
    JM (DD3, 6/12 ~ currently nursing), all born naturally
    Devoted wife to SAHD P, my hero
    A few of my favorite things that I've discovered on the forum: co-sleeping, baby-wearing, tandem nursing, baby-led solids, cloth diapering, APing, selective vaccination...the list goes on

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