Happy Mothers Breastfed Babies
Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 37

Thread: thoughts on "don't offer, don't refuse"

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    New Orleans, LA
    Posts
    5,036

    Default Re: thoughts on "don't offer, don't refuse"

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*lsksam View Post
    "Devils advocate" question - if it is okay to "ride out" a toddler tantrum / frustration episode when the LO doesn't get what they want (see this thread), why doesn't this apply when the tantrum / frustration episode is because a nursing request was refused?
    Because it's not easy to decipher whether a toddler's desire to nurse is an actual want or need and if it is a need (probably emotional at that point), then the child is having an emotional response to not having a need met. Whereas if a toddler is throwing a tantrum over the milk/no milk in a cup issue, it's a little easier to identify. I suppose if the child asked to nurse, then refused, then wanted to again, then refused....you could clearly see that it was a tantrum.
    Mother - Wife - Artist - Cook - Writer - EnvironMENTAList - Cloth Diaperer (but we are soooo done with diapers) - Organic Health Nut...I'm sure there's more.

    DD1 - 12/15/05 Breastfed for 16.5 months
    DD2 - 8/6/07 Breastfed for 3 whole years and 3 little, extra days.

  2. #22
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Not around here as much :(
    Posts
    12,132

    Default Re: thoughts on "don't offer, don't refuse"

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*moose View Post
    ...

    And Eme--Leo hasn't nursed again, huh? I'm so glad you let him that one last time. Now you REALLY know in your heart he was ready and you don't have to doubt it. I can't believe he's done, though. Why, I don't know. I just can't.

    And, we should talk. I seem to have misplaced your digits...

    We'll see what happens when bay comes...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*moose View Post
    And, we should talk. I seem to have misplaced your digits...




    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*lsksam View Post
    A clarification in response to a question above - I posted not to get advice about what my DS and I should do, but as a discussion question.
    Somehow I didn't catch that - thanks for clarification...
    Click here to find an LLL leader near you...or call 1 877 4 LA LECHE for help now.

    "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
    Emerson


    Ban the bags. ......... Watch your language. ....... Help keep Dr Newman's clinic open!

    We demand that our childcare providers are CPR certified... why don't we demand the same of ourselves! Get certified!

    I lost 22 lbs in 8 months... with a bit of determination and common sense information from this book.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    The N O ;)
    Posts
    224

    Default Re: thoughts on "don't offer, don't refuse"

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*lsksam View Post
    A clarification in response to a question above - I posted not to get advice about what my DS and I should do, but as a discussion question.
    I believe that when we 'personally' start threads that we open ourselves up for suggestions. What do you other ladies think?!

    I was really thrown off, so to speak, by this comment & I asked myself - "Self why was this necessary for her to state?!" I won't elaborate on what I thought about in my head

    I did, however enjoy this thread & I think the discussion surrounding it was very open & extrememly helpful I am sure I will be referring to it at some point - maybe when E is around the age of two


    "Children reinvent your world for you." Susan Sarandon

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    8,272

    Default Re: thoughts on "don't offer, don't refuse"

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*fair.beauty29 View Post
    I believe that when we 'personally' start threads that we open ourselves up for suggestions. What do you other ladies think?!

    I was really thrown off, so to speak, by this comment & I asked myself - "Self why was this necessary for her to state?!" I won't elaborate on what I thought about in my head
    Sure - I'm totally open to suggestions and have learned tons from other mamas who have been there done that.

    But I am mostly interested in a discussion of ideas around "don't offer, don't refuse" and it was feeling like the thread was heading more towards "advice for lsksam".

    Since I was mostly looking for discussion, perhaps this thread would have been better in "around the refreshment table", and will consider that for future discussion posts.
    Lynn
    DS1: bf 7/2006 -> 4/2009; multiple food allergies
    DS2: bf 9/2009 -> ???
    ; multiple food allergies
    Breastmilk Donor - http://hmbana.org/index/donatemilk
    Click HERE to learn about baby led solids (BLS) / baby led weaning (BLW)

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    COUGARTOWN Baby! From here on in!
    Posts
    17,438

    Default Re: thoughts on "don't offer, don't refuse"

    My understanding also is that DODF is a MOTHER led method not child. So I think that needs to be taken into account when considering what you were contemplating in the beginning. In it really has nothing to do with a child being trusted to tell you what he needs as much as it it a 1st gentle step in YOU the mother changing the direction of the relationship based on what you need. And where you are trying to get your nursing relationship to go.

    Way too lazy for formula

  6. #26
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    8,591

    Default Re: thoughts on "don't offer, don't refuse"

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*lsksam View Post
    "Devils advocate" question - if it is okay to "ride out" a toddler tantrum / frustration episode when the LO doesn't get what they want (see this thread), why doesn't this apply when the tantrum / frustration episode is because a nursing request was refused?
    I'm not sure what you're asking here.

    I never suggested that riding out a tantrum implied giving in. It just means that you are alwasy there for them during the tantrum. I haven't read the article in quite some time, but I dont' remember it suggesting a parent should give in when a tantrum is because he/she was told, "No," for something desired.

    Erin
    Wife to a grizzly
    Mama to my little deer (12/05) my loving bear cub (9/07--), and our little tiger (3/22/10)
    Born by one c-section and 2 amazing VBACs


    Miles in 2012: 350.5/900 (Actual Miles Ran: 189)
    Miles in 2011: 708.5 (Actual Miles Ran: 509)
    Miles in 2010: 800.5 (Actual Miles Ran: 620)

    January Miles: 37.5/75
    February Miles: 59/75
    March Miles: 42.5/60
    April Miles: 64
    May Miles: 41/70
    June Miles: 59
    July Miles: 39.5

    227.5 miles on my new shoes
    338 miles on my old shoes

  7. #27
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Not around here as much :(
    Posts
    12,132

    Default Re: thoughts on "don't offer, don't refuse"

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*lsksam View Post
    "Devils advocate" question - if it is okay to "ride out" a toddler tantrum / frustration episode when the LO doesn't get what they want (see this thread), why doesn't this apply when the tantrum / frustration episode is because a nursing request was refused?

    Because it's different. Just like if said child was having a fit bcause he can't have another cookie as opposed to having a fit because he's overtired and doesn't want to go to bed... Those two examples have to be dealt with differently...

    If your child is asking because they're thirsty/hungry something similar, to deny then that would be bad news.. but if it's because of boredom or the like, mom has to be in charge of redirecting that. Tantrums are their way of expressing something - its our job to teach them how to express those needs/desires in a more effective and positive way.
    Click here to find an LLL leader near you...or call 1 877 4 LA LECHE for help now.

    "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
    Emerson


    Ban the bags. ......... Watch your language. ....... Help keep Dr Newman's clinic open!

    We demand that our childcare providers are CPR certified... why don't we demand the same of ourselves! Get certified!

    I lost 22 lbs in 8 months... with a bit of determination and common sense information from this book.

  8. #28
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    10,440

    Default Re: thoughts on "don't offer, don't refuse"

    The way I handle it when I've opted to not nurse at that exact moment is via distraction. "No, we can't nurse right now in public (since you pull my shirt off) but here's a waterbottle if you are thirsty, and I'll give you a hug."

    So far, I've never had a meltdown (i.e., tears; only saw that when I was bitten and put the kid down for a minute) because they were denied nursing, but if they were really persistent about asking, I've reassessed. Sometimes, nursing is about reconnecting versus food, and I'll do that. In the above example, that meant finding somewhere I could nurse despite being stripped.

    IMHO, DODR has a very good place in nursing. I bet most of us practice it at some point, no matter what kind of weaning we are experiencing. I've always taken it sort of like "I'm available if you need me." But I've had two boys, so far, that both were not huge comfort nursers for the most part. If I had one who was one who would happily nurse instead of play, for example, I might have to be more active about directing the relationship. DODR to me, is just part of the dance of nursing -- setting boundaries for nursing to me is the same as discipline; we allow our kids to do stuff, but within limits, KWIM. Make sense? I feel like I'm rambling today. . ..

    Actually, Erin has a point. Probably 99% of animals wean abruptly, either by removal of the young from the "family" or by direct action of the mother. I have a mare who is a really good mom, actually, and she let her last foal nurse until she was like 9-10 months old, which is really long for a horse (equivalent of nursing a 10-12 year old child!), but I could see I had to help her out by taking the foal out of her field because she never once stopped that great big filly from nursing. . . she was never going to force that foal to stop, but I could tell she was really tired of it. But most of the time, the animal mamas of the world simply start walking away. And the offspring adjust and do well.
    Susan
    Mama to my all-natural boys: Ian, 9-4-04, 11.5 lbs; Colton, 11-7-06, 9 lbs, in the water; Logan, 12-8-08, 9 lbs; Gavin, 1-18-11, 9 lbs; and an angel 1-15-06
    18+ months and for Gavin, born with an incomplete cleft lip and incomplete posterior cleft palate
    Sealed for time and eternity, 7-7-93
    Always babywearing, cosleeping and cloth diapering. Living with oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD. Ask me about cloth diapering and sewing your own diapers!

  9. #29
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    4,836

    Default Re: thoughts on "don't offer, don't refuse"

    I must be way in the dark here, and I admit, I have never read anything about DODR, but I took the term quite literally and always viewed it as more child led weaning than mother led, although I assumed it was used for older toddlers. It may just be us, but once Ben was older, we were on a schedule that just came about on it's own, morning, nap and bed. I just stopped offering the morning session and he just went about his business, but then I offered at nap and night. There was only once that he wanted to nurse in the morning, and I did, which is my understanding of DODR. Then he just started refusing nursing at random for nap and bed, until he just stopped. This is what I thought don't offer, don't refuse was all about. If the child wants to nurse, you nurse, but you just don't set aside a specific/scheduled time anymore and whip out the boob if the child doesn't seem interested. Maybe I misunderstood

  10. #30
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Posts
    1,255

    Default Re: thoughts on "don't offer, don't refuse"

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*aprilsmagic View Post
    Actually, Erin has a point. Probably 99% of animals wean abruptly, either by removal of the young from the "family" or by direct action of the mother. I have a mare who is a really good mom, actually, and she let her last foal nurse until she was like 9-10 months old, which is really long for a horse (equivalent of nursing a 10-12 year old child!), but I could see I had to help her out by taking the foal out of her field because she never once stopped that great big filly from nursing. . . she was never going to force that foal to stop, but I could tell she was really tired of it. But most of the time, the animal mamas of the world simply start walking away. And the offspring adjust and do well.
    I like this - thanks for posting it. It tells me what is naturally done with offspring sans other people's input.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •