I find so much comfort reading through these posts. It's amazing how much emotional validation I can get just by hearing other womens stories without even sharing my own. But this week is different. I need to vent and ask for some advice and help. Of course my concerns and fears are no different than so many others and I appreciate you all bearing with me if I sound like a broken record. I am trying to keep it together.
Today was day two back at work, full time, after being home with my ds for four months. Before I got pg and during I was so sure that I would be ready to go back to work before my disability even ran out - but once I had him I had no idea I wouldn't want to let him go! And our childcare provider is a great woman who really is meant to take care of children. But it breaks my heart to have her hold him all day. I almost feel mad at her when I pick him up from her house! Isn't that crazy? She'll say things like "I think he's going through a growth spurt" and I want to yell at her and tell her that I'm his mom and will tell HER when he's growing! Isn't that stupid? Anyway, yesterday was day one and horrible! And I failed to get any sort of supply stored up of milk for him so what I pump during the day (3-4 oz per session every 2 hrs) goes directly to the next day which isn't enough. Again, feeling like I'm failing. In fact we decided to supplement last night and the night before with formula so I could try to "catch up" but I'm still behind with his need. That was one of the hardest things for me to do. I'm just so frustrated! All I want to do is have my son with me and hold him and hug him for as long as I want, when I want, where I want. I don't want to have to work and pay someone to hold him for me. No matter how wonderful of a person she is! I don't want to have to wake up already stressed about pumping milk when all I really want is to be able to nurse him! I'm feeling overwhelmed and ready to give up at times. Maybe formula is best. It almost broke my heart that he loved it so much. He was so intense while drinking it both times and I just wanted to cry. Again... failing.
I'm done now. Sorry for the long rambling. I feel like it too is getting me nowhere. AAAA!!