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Thread: First week back and trying to pull it together

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Posts
    7

    Default First week back and trying to pull it together

    I find so much comfort reading through these posts. It's amazing how much emotional validation I can get just by hearing other womens stories without even sharing my own. But this week is different. I need to vent and ask for some advice and help. Of course my concerns and fears are no different than so many others and I appreciate you all bearing with me if I sound like a broken record. I am trying to keep it together.

    Today was day two back at work, full time, after being home with my ds for four months. Before I got pg and during I was so sure that I would be ready to go back to work before my disability even ran out - but once I had him I had no idea I wouldn't want to let him go! And our childcare provider is a great woman who really is meant to take care of children. But it breaks my heart to have her hold him all day. I almost feel mad at her when I pick him up from her house! Isn't that crazy? She'll say things like "I think he's going through a growth spurt" and I want to yell at her and tell her that I'm his mom and will tell HER when he's growing! Isn't that stupid? Anyway, yesterday was day one and horrible! And I failed to get any sort of supply stored up of milk for him so what I pump during the day (3-4 oz per session every 2 hrs) goes directly to the next day which isn't enough. Again, feeling like I'm failing. In fact we decided to supplement last night and the night before with formula so I could try to "catch up" but I'm still behind with his need. That was one of the hardest things for me to do. I'm just so frustrated! All I want to do is have my son with me and hold him and hug him for as long as I want, when I want, where I want. I don't want to have to work and pay someone to hold him for me. No matter how wonderful of a person she is! I don't want to have to wake up already stressed about pumping milk when all I really want is to be able to nurse him! I'm feeling overwhelmed and ready to give up at times. Maybe formula is best. It almost broke my heart that he loved it so much. He was so intense while drinking it both times and I just wanted to cry. Again... failing.

    I'm done now. Sorry for the long rambling. I feel like it too is getting me nowhere. AAAA!!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    929

    Default Re: First week back and trying to pull it together

    I feel for you! I too am at my 2nd day of work after 4 mos home with DS (and 8 wks of bed rest b/f that). It's hard enough to start work after being away for 6 mos let alone leave the baby you've been attached to for months! I too was sure that I would be ready to return and get on with my career (which I love). I never thought that I was the SAHM-type, BUT I feel different now. I decided to just go back PT but I still feel selfish and guilty for leaving DS. That being said, this IS only day 2 and I have not yet given it a chance. Yesterday when I got home DS was not happy to see me. He nursed often but was not really "there", if you know what I mean. I couldn't get him to smile at me for several hours. I was so heartbroken.

    As for the pumping, I do not have a problem getting enough per pumping session BUT I DO have a problem finding the spare time at work to pump. DS sleeps from 8pm to 3am so when I get up with him I feed him from 1 side and pump the other. I get enough for at least one meal for him while I'm away. I am also trying to pump what he doesn't take first thing in the morning b/f work and about 10pm after he goes to sleep. I pump once at work.

    Maybe try pumping extra on weekends and odd times at home. I would try to avoid supplementing if you can. It's a vicious cycle that could lead to problems with supply. Then again, I do know moms who do both and do just fine. Everyone is different.

    Try to give your new schedule a chance for awhile and then reevaluate. I can say this b/c I am in the same "back to work depression" mode. I know that down the line I will resent myself for giving up my own career goals (I'm working towards a PhD) if I quit now.

    Sorry so long! Hang in there. People keep telling that it DOES get better!

    Jennifer
    Amazed and Proud mom of Luke (Lucas) - 4/5/2006; 9 lbs 12 oz , 22in
    Wife to best friend Carl - 11/4/2001

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    522

    Default Re: First week back and trying to pull it together

    Hi,

    It really does get better, I promise! That first week back is just as hard as the time coming home from the hospital. I think it is harder, actually.

    Please try not to stress about your milk supply. It sounds like you are doing fine. I would suggest talking to an LLLeader, because I wonder about whether you need to supplement. What I've read here suggests that babies have to guzzle what comes out of a bottle because it comes out so fast, not because they want/need it.

    One thing that I hadn't anticipated going back to work was that I expected myself to be the same person at work that I was before. And everyone else expected that too. But I wasn't--I am a mom now, and I have this enormous concern and interest that I didn't have before. Does that make sense? I didn't give myself enough slack--I thought I could just pile engaged mom on top of my overachieving work identity and it would all work out ok. Ha ha! I even presented at a conference two weeks before my 8-week maternity leave ended.

    DS is 10 months now, and every week is different. Sometimes I am thrilled to be at work and super-engaged with what I am doing, and sometimes I just want to be home with him. Usually it is a bit of both.

    Hang in there and keep us posted! I hope this helped a bit.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    252

    Default Re: First week back and trying to pull it together

    I feel exactly the same. Been back at work 3 weeks now and I resent my mom, my husband, my day care...anyone who gets to stay at home with ds besides me. This is irrational, of course, b/c my son is doing fine but I HATE working.

    I have no freezer stash either and am just able to pump 5 bottles a day (for a total of 24 oz). I pump during two breaks, lunch and sometimes to and from work in the car. If I'm short, I get up in the middle of the night and pump and I pump on weekends to get "ahead." I'm a slave to the pump.

    I hope it gets better. Keep pumping. I can't supplement b/c ds has food allergies so I drink Yogi Nursing Moms tea (much tastier than Mother's Milk tea) and I eat oatmeal every day and basically eat and drink alot so I can make milk. I'm half working mom, half cow. Whenever I migh tneglect myself, I remember that if I don't eat, he doesn't eat and so I take better care of myself for him.

    Hang in there, mom, and know you're not alone. I'd be lost without the sharing on this forum (and over at www.hipmama.com) and the gratification I get when I go home and nurse the little fella.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Posts
    7

    Default Re: First week back and trying to pull it together

    Thank you all so much! It was hard to even find time this week to be able to get on the computer for five minutes but here I am! I'm feeling a bit better although it's tough juggling everything. I found that I have to re-evaluate my expectations of myself and pick the most important to dedicate myself to right now. And of course the number one is my son and his well-being. He's doing great this week though with day care. And I'm still hanging in there. Just dreaming of the lottery while I too am a slave to the pump (perfect way to put that rebeccaeee).

    Pumping is getting better but we are still supplementing. Hopefully it won't be forever and I can get a supply established.

    Thanks mamas! You all are great!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    31

    Default Re: First week back and trying to pull it together

    I wanted to say that I have also felt that irrational hatred towards people who get to be with my dd while I have to work. Mostly I feel it towards my MIL when she comes to visit and wants to take over my dd. I feel exactly like you said, even start to act out my irrational emotions when she visits for too long. I just want the opportunity to see and experience all those moments with her instead of allowing someone else to tell me about it. I am a teacher so luckily I get frequent breaks to enjoy her but it is still hard! I love my career, I love my students...but it is just amazing how much more I love dd. I never used to hurry up and leave campus so fast! I get so anxious to see her and see how she was feeling all day!

    Sometimes I tell DH the only thing stopping MIL from kidnapping dd is the fact that I am breastfeeding! I know....irrational thoughts! (although sometimes I REALLY think it's true )

    Good luck and hope things get better soon!

  7. #7

    Default Re: First week back and trying to pull it together

    I know several daycare providers who have been told of this by the mothers of the kids that they watch. You're perfectly normal, I promise! And, they don't think badly of you for feeling this way.
    Shannon
    LLL Leader

    Protect your privacy online; don't use your full name. Click My Alias at the top left corner.

    I'm horrible at html and encoding links, so I apologize in advance for all the long links!

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