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Thread: how do I prepare her for this?

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    139

    Default how do I prepare her for this?

    Okay, so this sucks but I can't afford to fight it anymore and have no choice but to accept it and make the best of it, so I want to do what I can to ease the baby's transition:

    Single mom with 5-1/2 month old baby, exclusively breastfed from birth, just starting to experiment with solids. At 3 months old I tried to return to work and she suddenly refused all bottles, tried different nipples, different methods, different people, etc. she just screamed so I gave up and took a job as a nanny and bring her with me. Aside from those few days trying to work, she's basically been with me 24/7, co-sleeps, etc. She's going through an everyone-else-is-a-stranger phase and cries and reaches for me if anyone else holds her (except my twin sister, that's a puzzler for her).

    At 7 months, she is court-ordered to go with her father for 8 hours each Sunday, and at 10 months, he gets every other weekend from Friday 6 pm to Sunday 6 pm. I don't know what he will feed her or how and more than likely he will refuse to tell me so I have to consider all possibilities. I will "offer" BM, but if I push it more than that he will probably refuse to spite me.

    How do we do this? I need to experiment to find out if lipase is an issue with my milk and attempt to build a new stash. I assume I should start teaching her to use a sippy cup? Should I offer formula at times in case he gives her that instead? What will happen if he gives her whole cows milk? If I nurse before she leaves and when she comes back, can she do well with solids only for 8 hours at 7 months?

    For the weekends, I don't even know where to begin. Assuming she'll drink from a cup, how much BM would I need to send for 48 hours at 10 months? What will happen if he gives her solids and water only? Is cosleeping going to make it worse for her than if I tried to get her used to sleeping alone now? Do I need to teach her to fall asleep without nursing?

    Aside from all that -- how do I get her to accept other people? He is supposed to start with 4 hours a week but so far hasn't and probably won't, so he will be a stranger. If she cries when he takes her, will she stop when they're gone? Is there anything I can do to help her trust him? Do babies in daycare adjust okay during stranger-danger phases? How long does it take?

    Thanks for any suggestions, I just want to do the best I can for her.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    91

    Default Re: how do I prepare her for this?

    You are definately dealing with a lot right now!! First of all - You must be an amazing mom ! Good for you for all you have done for your LO

    It sounds like you and the daddy do not have the best of relationships (is that putting it mildly?). Is there anyway to open up a dialogue with him to discuss some of your fears about feeding without him doing things to "spite you"? If there is any possibility of that, I would make that a first step. Offer to give him BM to give her so that he doesn't need to buy formula (phrasing it that way - with the cost of formula - may help.).

    I don't think it is necessary for you to try and give her formula when she is with you. Maybe just try and get her used to a sippy cup with BM. Knowing that you can't be sure of exactly what she will be given when she is with dad, I remember that my grandmother always reminds me that many children have done fine with cow's milk before the age of 1 - so I wouldn't worry too much. But, hopefully he will want to do right by his daughter since it seems he does want to see her.

    I know I can't help with everything, but I can share some things from my own experiences.
    1. I only BF for 6 months at the most, but when my kids were 7-10 months, they were drinking 4-6 ounces at each feeding.
    2. Both my older ones went through the "stranger danger" phase (that is hard for mommies!!) - but they did fine with the sitter after I left. (They screamed as I left them, but were fine within minutes.) Being a teacher, I see this same thing at school. The younger kids cry just long enough to make their mommies (and daddies) feel guilty, but then as soon as they are gone, their kids are fine.

    I would take this whole thing one step at a time - deal with the shorter visits first (when they begin) and try not to worry about the longer visits just yet. I would also not change too many things at home (co-sleeping, nursing). That may confuse and / or worry her. Just focus on one thing at a time (maybe the sippy cup - and reminding her how much you love her). She will learn that you and dad do things differently and that is ok - all kids adjust to that!

    I wish you the best in all this!!! Always remember that you are a great mom and that your LO knows how much you love her!! This will be much harder for you than it will for her!
    -ing Mom to:
    Breanna 2/26/02 BF 2 months
    Bailey 9/19/05 BF 6 months
    Brayden 4/3/08 BF 4 months and counting

    I love this site!!
    's to all the Mommies out there

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    1,709

    Default Re: how do I prepare her for this?

    Wow, that must be really hard.

    I don't have any experience with this particular situation, but I would agree with everything the previous poster said. Try to keep things as stable and normal as possible when your baby is with you, and hopefully she will adjust to the two different environments.

    My son went through a total screaming phase at a few months where no-one but me could hold him. I tried taking him to work (I had the luxury of trying that), but it didn't work out because I just didn't get anything done, nevermind the baby screaming in the halls bugging other people in the department. So I decided to give daycare a try, but told myself if he didn't like it, I'd take some time off. To my shock, he adjusted within a few days, he's loved it ever since (we're now a year later). Maybe your baby will do something similar. I do think babies are very resilient to adjust to many different circumstances, and recognize that different rules apply in different places. For example, my son has been a fairly good napper at daycare for a loooong time, but only recently started sleeping well at home. We coslept until very recently, but obviously no cosleeping at daycare!!!

    I wish you all the best, and hope that everyone adjusts quickly to the new situation.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
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    1,107

    Default Re: how do I prepare her for this?

    I have no expereince with this, but my first thought is go to court and fight it. Tell them that you are a nursing mom and your baby needs you. Explain that she will not take a bottle, etc. Fight it, tooth and nail. Explain all of your concerns. You are the mama. You are the main source of food. Fight it. Get a lawyer. Fight it.
    Robin

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Oklahoma
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    6,745

    Default Re: how do I prepare her for this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Baker Smurf View Post
    I have no expereince with this, but my first thought is go to court and fight it. Tell them that you are a nursing mom and your baby needs you. Explain that she will not take a bottle, etc. Fight it, tooth and nail. Explain all of your concerns. You are the mama. You are the main source of food. Fight it. Get a lawyer. Fight it.
    I agree! See your pedi and get written doctors orders for your LO to have breastmilk. Milk, no matter what source (FF or BF), should be a LO's main source of nutrition until at least one year of age. Requesting that you leave your LO for 12 hours before a year when she wont accept a bottle is rediculous.

    's mama.
    “Only with trust, faith, and support can the woman allow the birth experience to enlighten and empower her.” - Annie Kennedy & Penny Simkin

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Posts
    399

    Default Re: how do I prepare her for this?

    Will your baby's dad have any help (like his mom or a sister) when he is watching your LO? If so, maybe you could talk to them about what baby needs? It would be better to try to open the dialogue directly with him, but if that's not possible this could be another avenue.

    I do agree with BakerSmurf that you could try to fight it. It would depend on the laws where you are, but it might be worth a shot

    Good luck
    Last edited by ketteringmom; May 15th, 2008 at 02:37 PM. Reason: spelling error
    Clara Ann from 6/27/07 to 7/2/09

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    139

    Default Re: how do I prepare her for this?

    Quote Originally Posted by Baker Smurf View Post
    I have no expereince with this, but my first thought is go to court and fight it. Tell them that you are a nursing mom and your baby needs you. Explain that she will not take a bottle, etc. Fight it, tooth and nail. Explain all of your concerns. You are the mama. You are the main source of food. Fight it. Get a lawyer. Fight it.
    Believe me, if I could, I would. I am all for her having a relationship with her dad, and wish she spent more time with him than she does right now, but I don't want it to interfere with breastfeeding. However, it cost me thousands just to get this order, and I just can't come up with any more. I put my career on hold for the baby and am trying to pay a mortgage and everything by myself, I just can't keep handing money to a lawyer. I talked to several lawyers and only found one that even seemed to think this wasn't okay, but she would require $3000 deposit just to take the case. If I had it, I would, but its not possible without working 50 or 60 hours a week right now.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
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    443

    Default Re: how do I prepare her for this?

    I am sorry you are going through this. I agree not to change much at home, except to introduce the sippy. And I like what BBB's mom said that phrase the whole BM thing as it will save money. I would try the sippy cup option and maybe have a friend or family member try to feed her with you not in the room and try to get her used to taking it that way once in a while. I'd also try to leave your LO with your sister maybe about an hour or so before she is suppose to eat. Because if you leave as she is hungry it will probably upset her, but if she is comfortable with your sister and then gets hungry she might be more receptive to taking the sippy.

    Good Luck
    Kim

    Claire 08/27/06 7lbs 11 onces 21 in.
    Addison (Addi) 10/17/08 8lbs 11 ounces 21 in.


  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
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    2,005

    Default Re: how do I prepare her for this?

    Good advice from the pp. I am so sorry that you and your lo are having to go through this. Does your lo see her dad at all now? We have always had pictures of out of town relatives for the boys to look at and we tell them who they are so they aren't a total stranger when we see them once or twice a year.
    Proud mom of 2 boys, both weaned gradually and with love.


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    Murray Straus, Ph.D.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    187

    Default Re: how do I prepare her for this?

    I can't offer anything but... and good luck!

    Jake: Born 11/15/07
    6lbs 5oz ~ 19inch and 3/4's long

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