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Thread: resenting bf'ing and my son

  1. #1
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    Jun 2006
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    Default resenting bf'ing and my son

    I have a wonderful 7 week old son who I love with all of my heart except when it comes to breast feeding. He is starting to get really fussy with each feeding and is nursing every 1 to 1 1/2 hours yet. I am feeling very resentful because I am not used to having someone be so "clingy/close" to me. I talked to my husband about my feelings and he made me feel so gulilty because I was putting my feelings first and not what is the best interest of our son. I was crying the whole time I was talking to him because in my opion he was just not understanding where I was coming from. I suggested that we supplement with formula mixed with bm. And he would not hear of that.

    So my question is-if I were to exclusively pump, what is the correct way to do this? How often would I need pump and timing on it?

    Please don't flame me for wanting to give my son formula. I just really hate the resentment that I am feeling towards him when it comes to feeding and I don't want to miss anymore of this precious time with my first child.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: resenting bf'ing and my son

    These feelings are very normal when you are first starting the bf relationship. You loose ownership of your body for about three months. Those first three months you are at the demand of your baby. They nurse alot. But know this, there is light at the end of the tunnel. My baby at about 2 1/2 months seems to become more scheduled about his feedings and I started feeling like my old self. You said the baby had fussiness, describe the problem in more detail. There are many reasons for fussiness:
    1. Gas
    2. Thrush
    3. Reflux
    4. Too fast of let down/overflow
    5. Bad latch

    Really stand back and study your feelings, is it what I described above, or is it more such as Post Pardum Depression. Either way I would contact your local LLL leader and maybe speak of your feelings to your OB. It is very important in the early months to reach out for help. Help won't come to you, you must come to it.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: resenting bf'ing and my son

    Also,
    Perhaps through your hospital you got some information for a breastfeeding support group or an LC you could see this week? It often helps to know that other women in this time frame are feeling the same way. There was a poster just yesterday saying she was so mad at her husband for being unsupportive of her but after she hit the 12week mark she was really glad he helped her stay committed.

    I know it's a lot right now. It may help you to think of it from your baby's point of view. It's seems like a lot of time/ clingy to you, but even if you held/fed your baby for 12 hrs a day that's still a 50% reduction in what he's used to with you. He's used to being with you 24/7 and not having to WORK to get his food at all. These are big changes for him as well.

    If you feel like you need to exclusively pump, there's an entire section a little farther down devoted to pumping and there are several women on this site who do it. Timewise it is the same amount of commitment. Most women in this stage (7weeks) still have to pump every two hours for 15-30min to keep up supply. I would be concerned that would be time actually AWAY from your baby, but it's definately possible.

    Good luck to you. Just know this too shall pass. I know another month right now seems very overwhelming, I really hope you can get to a group meeting to you can talk to other mothers.
    Last edited by DJ's Mom; July 26th, 2006 at 11:59 AM.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: resenting bf'ing and my son

    No flames, sweetie -- and I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I think you are wise to acknowledge your feelings and take them seriously -- it's the buried resentment that is just poison in family relationships, especially in parenting, I think.

    I'm sorry that your husband was not more understanding or encouraging. That must have been very painful. Try to remember that he is a guy, doesn't have breasts, and thus is in a totally different place regarding new parenthood. Neither one of you is WRONG, you're just in different places.

    LLL is here to provide accurate information about breastfeeding and to support mothers in breastfeeding their babies for as long -- or short -- a time as the mother wants to. LLL is not the booby police and will not tell you what to do. I will remind everyone reading this thread that while everyone is encouraged to share their opinions and experiences on these mother-to-mother support boards, it is the LLL Leaders who represent LLL and who can be counted on to give objective information, not agenda-driven advice.

    OK -- what I am hearing from you is that breastfeeding has recently become a source of resentment for you because of your son's fussiness at the breast and the frequency of his nursing. You find it irritating to have your son physically so close to you so much of the time.

    You are considering exclusively pumping, or supplementing with formula mixed with EBM. You want information on how to do this.

    Here is some information on why it is better not to mix formula and EBM:

    http://www.lalecheleague.org/FAQ/mixing.html

    Here is a New Beginnings article written by a mother who exclusively pumped for her son:

    http://www.lalecheleague.org/NB/NBJanFeb02p9a.html

    I think there is no secret trick to exclusively pumping (which means pumping enough to provide EBM for your baby's entire diet.) You just do it! You will need a top-grade pump, and you will need to pump about as often as he otherwise would be nursing. Exclusively-pumping mothers whom I have known have told me that it is a great deal of work -- rather like having twins, as first you feed the pump with your breasts, and then you feed the baby with the pumped milk. So it is a significant commitment of time and energy, even more so than exclusive breastfeeding is.

    I would suggest that before you make a final decision, you look creatively for other solutions to this problem. Maybe your son is having a growth spurt right now and this frequent nursing will soon pass. Maybe there are other issues going on with him, like nipple confusion or reflux, which can be fixed without sacrificing your breastfeeding relationship. Maybe there are other ways to meet your own needs, so that you can feel less resentful while continuing to breastfeed. I hope you will get ideas and encouragement from others here, no matter what you choose to do.

    --Rebecca

  5. #5
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    Mar 2006
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    Default Re: resenting bf'ing and my son

    Sweetie, we've probably all been where you are right now.

    Let's see. . . Lack of sleep for >8 weeks (if you're like me, you stop getting a good night's sleep around 7 months of pregnancy), still recovering from the stress of childbirth, a crying child demanding more than anyone ever has from you, somebody ON you all the time. . .. It's hard to not feel like you do!

    A few things:

    This period goes away FAST. No kidding. I HATE people to be on me. In fact, I babysit a neighbor's baby since I'm home anyway, and I can't stand to hold him. Makes me crazy, and fortunately, he's not a clingy kid. It was hard to hold my own for hours on end, who was a clingy kid, and nurse every hour. But around 3 months, they change and don't have to be held all the time and stop nursing quite so often. If your baby will tolerate it, a bouncy seat or swing might give you a little "my body alone" time. I wish someone had told me then that the first three months postpartum should really be considered the last three months of gestation. I probably would have felt better about having a kid on me all the time! I truly resented losing "control" of my body, but now, looking back, it was for such a short period of time.

    Are you able to get any "me time" at all? Like a shower? If not, feed the kid, hand him to daddy to change his diaper and get him to sleep, and hit the shower! You will feel better! Or so something for yourself when the baby is napping. I took lots of naps. The housework will wait. This time will pass quickly.

    Are you feeling OK otherwise? I ask, because what you describe was one of the first signs of PPD (postpartum depression) for me. I started feeling very angry and resentful that *I* was the one bearing the burden of childrearing (at least in my mind), that I couldn't put this baby down, that I had to nurse all the time, blah blah blah. If you are showing any other signs of PPD (weepiness, sleepiness/unable to sleep, etc.) then please call your doctor or midwife and talk to them.

    I know, for me, pumping would not have been the answer. Instead of being tied to the kid, I would have felt tied to a pump and bottles, and that goes on a whole lot longer than this tough part of having a new baby. For me, in the end, I realized pumping would not be the answer, and I wasn't about to spend our few dollars on formula. But I know a lot of women who make pumping or supplementing work, and I'm sure some will be able to weigh in and help you decide what is best for you to

    Hang in there!! There is light at the end of the tunnel!
    Susan
    Mama to my all-natural boys: Ian, 9-4-04, 11.5 lbs; Colton, 11-7-06, 9 lbs, in the water; Logan, 12-8-08, 9 lbs; Gavin, 1-18-11, 9 lbs; and an angel 1-15-06
    18+ months and for Gavin, born with an incomplete cleft lip and incomplete posterior cleft palate
    Sealed for time and eternity, 7-7-93
    Always babywearing, cosleeping and cloth diapering. Living with oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD. Ask me about cloth diapering and sewing your own diapers!

  6. #6
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    Jan 2006
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    Default Re: resenting bf'ing and my son

    All of your feelings are very normal. Even though i love dd more than anything on this earth, i resented everything about having my former life ripped away from me to stay home, hold and feed a baby 24-7. By 2 pm each day I was in tears because I couldn't believe how slow each day passed, especially when everyone told me how much I should love sitting holding my baby ALL DAY LONG AND ALL NIGHT! i had the same resentment toward my hubby too. many a fight we had over this.

    this difficult time will pass, although time does seem to drag when you are going through it. it is so important you take time each day for yourself, if only for a 15 minute shower. My dd was colicy for about 4 months (who's counting?). I use to take a 20 minute shower every night because it was the only place in the house I couldn't hear her crying (I left her with dh during these showers). Exercise helped me get through this time too. I use to walk dd for hours in her stroller, she'd sleep and I'd get some time to myself without the velcro baby.

    Think twice about exclusively pumping. I pump three times a day to provide dd with enough milk for daycare. I hate it (doing it now)! It is a major hassle. I can't imagine exclusively pumping for a newborn if I didn't have too. Nursing is much more enjoyable.

    In a couple of weeks your baby will begin to space out the feedings, sleeping longer stretches, and will be comfortable sitting alone for 15-20 minutes at a time in a swing or bouncy seat. So things will get better soon. For me and dd it happened gradually between weeks 8-14. One day I put her in her bouncy seat and she sat there for 5 whole minutes without screaming. I felt like I just had a vacation!

    Hang in there!

  7. #7
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    Jul 2006
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    Default Re: resenting bf'ing and my son

    i know how you feel. week seven was by far the hardest for me so far. dd had just come off her 6 wk growth spurt and she had her immunizations that week so she was FUSSY FUSSY FUSSY for days!!! to make it worse, i made the mistake of eating some broccoli with dinner one night and it did not agree with her at all!!!! i agree with the pp's- you need some "me time", and believe me it does get better! i also felt resentful toward my baby and felt i was not receiving support from hubby. he works 6-7 days per week 10hr/day so i am always alone with her, which is hard enough, but nursing a baby who fusses the whole time they are eating makes it even harder. i agree with ctkubis about her 5 suggestions for the cause of the fussiness. look into those, because usually if they are fussy with feedings there is a reason. dd has reflux and it is not fun! my LC told me that a baby who won't nurse can't nurse- so do your best to figure out the cause and try to help baby through this and you will feel better too. as for pumping, i can't help, mine won't even take a bottle! as for hubby, what helped me & mine was when he was on vaca this past week i made him shadow me for a day. he even had to sit through nursing-diapering-etc... now he has a better understanding of what my day is like and he doesn't ask about the dishes and laundry anymore... he also is good about taking dd from me as soon as he gets home so i can have some "me time". this will get better in the next couple of weeks. dd turns 10 wks tomorrow and i see her becoming more independent with each passing week. hang in there, you are a fantastic mommy!

  8. #8
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    Jul 2006
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    Unhappy Re: resenting bf'ing and my son

    Starting week six, and I'm right there with you. I actually have given dd several bottles of formula (I think 4) in the past two days. All the while pumping afterwards b/c I keep waivering on my decision on whether or not to toss in the nursing bra... I have to send a huge thank you to everyone who has posted on this string as it is giving me reason to continue. Every time I give her a bottle of formula I cry and feel like a failure. I feel even worse than an hour long fussy nursing session makes me feel!! I think she must be going through her six week growth spurt b/c I remember feeling this same way three weeks ago when she went through the first one. Amazing how such a short amount of time seems so long when you are trapped inside on sunny summer days. Okay, so according to you ladies I am 50% of the way there to 12 weeks. I will keep on!

  9. #9
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    Jun 2006
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    Default Re: resenting bf'ing and my son

    You are doing great! I recently had a ton of set backs, but things are SO much better. I cannot believe how much better.

    DD will be 13 weeks on Monday and nursing her now, even compared to a week ago, is much more enjoyable. I am so happy I stuck with it and hope to keep going, even through teething. You can do it!

  10. #10
    Join Date
    May 2006
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    Default Re: resenting bf'ing and my son

    timber101---how are things now? I agree w/all the pp. What you are/were feeling is so normal. We go into BF thinking it is some wonderful, mystical, magnificent moment w/ our beautiful, lovable little baby and are bewildered when in reality its so, so much harder. You are tired, lonely, sore, the baby (and yourself) need time to "learn" how to BF. Add the hormones into the mix and you have yourself one heck of a mother meltdown cocktail there.

    What I've learned from mothers on this site is that there is a HUGE learning curve and by about 3-4months you are just about getting it figured out.

    As for your DH, he's probably feeling just as overwhelmed as you and just doesn't know how to respond or put it into words properly.

    Let us know how it is now and just know that there is plenty of advice & support here on this website. Come vent, cry, laugh, whatever--we are here for you.

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