Happy Mothers Breastfed Babies
Results 1 to 9 of 9

Thread: Weird questions ...

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    35

    Exclamation Weird questions ...

    I'm going back to work the 17th ... and my mother is going to take care of the baby while I'm at work.

    My mother - Very very .. I mean abnormally stubborn and controlling is acting weirder and weirder every day....

    #1 So how do I HUMBLY set boundaries and rules? E.g. - She wants the baby to sleep on stomach ... I don't want her to. I know this is the first of many things we'll disagree on. I need to remind her I'm the mom ... in a HUMBLE way.

    #2 - Weird part ...
    and how do I handle a weird situation. My mother has been making comments about grandparents nursing babies for their daughters. They just need to take a pill and stimulation ..... (I've heard of it for adoptive parents but not grandmothers over 60) At first I blew it off ... but she has now mentioned it 5-7 times. She keeps saying it ... Last night I didn't blow it off... I told her that was weird and that I've never read about that. She got defensive and said "ohhhh yessss theyyyy dooooo". She keeps talking about nursing... I mean she talks about it all the time. I know I'm paranoid and it sounds stupid ... but weird thoughts pop in my head that I need to straighten out. Would she want my daughter to suckle to her? .... Do you think she could be jealous of my "closeness" w/ my daughter?

    Another thing - She's been telling people how dependent I am of her w/ the baby. How I call her all the time .. and how nervous I am w/ my daughter alone ... How she had to save me so many times ... It's such an exaggeration, it's weird!!! ... I only called my mother for support in the first week or two because I was going on 45 mins of sleep a night and needed some ideas ...

    She sees me nursing and always makes comments "You probably aren't making enough" "Just give me a bottle and I'll feed her since she's not happy nursing" ... "Your nipples are wrong" ...

    When I am holding my dh... I'm usually cuddling w/ her .. kissing her neck and I'll turn my gaze and see my mother watching ...

    She's acted jealous of different things before - Is this normal? ... How do I handle it?

    Lastly - Bottom line, she's teased us kids about us having "ChiChe" ... and has made the word such a negative. She even baby talks to my 20 yr old brother and says "You want chiche????" ..We ask her to stop all the time. So now she's saying it to my daughter. I don't like it ... I want her to use nursing or breastfeeding. I told her and she asked me why am I being mean to her (my mom)? I'm just trying to be mean in telling her not to say that word ..

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Posts
    42

    Default Re: Weird questions ...

    Wow, this is pretty serious stuff. My mother also has some boundary problems but since I'm very independent, live across the country, and she already had 10 grandkids when I had my dd, she wasn't able to smother us like she did some of my sisters. She still mentions how she had a drop of milk come from her breast when my (now 16 yr old) nephew was an infant. I know she enjoyed BF and being a Mom so she lives vicariously with the grandkids.
    If this behavior for your Mom is new, I'd be a bit concerned about a medical problem like Dementia, Alzheimers, or mental health issues. Could you suggest she have a complete physical and give the doctor a heads up on what she's been saying? Is your daughter her first grandchild? Did she breastfeed you and/or your siblings? Do you siblings agree that she is acting wierd and different that usual?
    I think you have good reason to be concerned and very firmly state your boundaries. I would first state that you don't ever want her to try to nurse your daughter because that seems like an important boundary for you. I know Moms have nursed other kids in crisis situations but this is not one. 2 of my sisters tried nursing each other's kids but the babies weren't interested (and I didn't feel it was appropriate in that situation).
    You also want to discuss how important it is for you that she respect your parenting wishes even if she doesn't agree. Perhaps she would read some of the articles you provide--she'll have some time while watching baby. Also if you attend LLL meetings, this would be helpful to discuss there. I really feel for you, please keep us posted.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Posts
    284

    Default Re: Weird questions ...

    I think maybe your mom has some deep-seated issues. You might want to consider a different caregiver. No matter who is watching your child you need to be clear about the kind of care YOU WANT your baby to have. I understand completely, my mom took care of my daughter while I worked. I think sometimes my mom is jealous of my relationship with luke-she was told she didn't have enough milk for me so she switched me to formula. She is always saying "oh just give him a bootle". If you are concerned about her adequacy as a caregiver I would explore other options.

    BTW I have never heard of a grandparent nursing a grandchild!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    COUGARTOWN Baby! From here on in!
    Posts
    17,425

    Default Re: Weird questions ...

    Umm..Yeah that sounds weird! It also sounds like your mother is the sort of person who feels better about herself at other people's expense. Maybe it drives her crazy that she sees someone "needing you" in a way that somehow makes her feel threatned? That why she's trying to undermine your confidence while nursing her? Because she's knows she'll never be a on the same level with your baby as you? (And shouldn't want to be!?!?!) Clearly she's acting out.

    Do you live at home? WHy do you have to be humble about setting up these boundaries? Other Mother's may have some suggestions on how to be humble or subtle. I personally feel like if you can't tell your mother how you really feel, who can you tell? I personally would hurt my mothers feelings before I let her nurse my baby against my will or try to publicly ridicule me as a new mother. Or do something that increases your child's risk of SIDS. (Which is why we're not supposed to but our babies asleep on their stomachs any more.) You are definately NOT overreacting. I would be very firm about her acting out, her respecting you wishes or let her know you'll find other childcare.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    35

    Default Re: Weird questions ...

    I think I could be a bit paranoid right now as well .... (I'm a mom right now that is petrified of someone else carrying my dd as she could be dropped - or someone dirty touching her or people who look sick giving her an illness) ... so I could be thinking something that just wouldn't happen .... but I can't help but feel that since she's mentioned it so many times!!!

    You are soooooooooo on the money DJ's mom. She is exactly who you states in your first paragraph.

    Now that you metion it ... Everyone is coming to me talking about nursing. Nursing isn't too popular in my mix of people, so many women are very interested in hearing my wonderful experience and my mother chimes in EACH time on how much I "depended" on her in the beginning....

    I just don't know how to handle it.

    As far as care giving ... My mother is amazing w/ children. (Im her only daughter - my first... She had 3 other grandchildren that aren't too close to the family) ... She's amazing .. .like a mother hen to all. I don't doubt her capability to care for my daughter ... I just have a problem w/ her realizing she's mine...

    Shes the oldest of 16 children.. raised in a poor land .. She's had a very hard life and is very use to controlling. She's lost control of my life and isn't handling it well.

    She's been acting strange really ever since she went through menopause.... it's not particularly new now ... It's just now all related to my daughter.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Posts
    68

    Default Re: Weird questions ...

    well, I understand a desire to be gentle with her, and I think thats very good of you. however, you MUST set up clear boundaries if your mother is going to be the caretaker of your daughter. if you are sure she would be a good caretaker...then you have to accept that its going to take some work and talking to ehr to help her understand you are the MOM now.

    I would probably respond to her talking about nursing your daughter saying, yes they do have ways that someone can become a "wet nurse"(someone else nursing your baby), but you feel that this is a special bond with your daughter that you ahve waited for and truly cherish taht its something only YOU can give. But that you know she is an accomplished caregiver and you are excited about her caring for your baby because you know she will be loved and doted on. tell your mom you have complete confidence in her, but that you would really appreciate her doing some things your way. tel he she has done a wonderful job "passing the torch" so to speak from herself to you as a mom. tell her thank you for being a place she can go when you need it, but that now you feel that you have yourself together as a mom and are comfortable in that role. But that your daughter still needs the involvement of her grandma even if it isn't in the same ways you as a mother are involved.

    these are just a few thoughts of the top of my head. basically starting the convo out by telling her you appreciat her and why, what your expectations are of her care of your daughter, and then, it wouldn't hurt to tell her"while I know you probably don't realize it, when you say "x,y,z..." it hurts my feelings and makes me feel belittled as a mom." perhaps add that you need her to be supportive of you inf ront of others, not boasting of her own motherly skillsa at your expense.

    don't be afraid to be honest. because when it all comes down to it, you are responsible for the care of your daughter and if your mother cannot do the things you have asked her to do, then you need to find other childcare. if it hurts her feelings, thats a shame, because your children's needs come before your mother's. I hope I don't sound mean or harsh, I truly don't mean to. we have all been there to an extent with the family/inlaws asserting their domain in our children's lives, its up to us to define their role for them and let them fill it as you see fit.

    our family believes that grandparents should have a vital role in our children's lives, so we try and make that happen and let them know that as well. now of course if one's gp's were crazy or abusive that involvement would be limited, at any rate, I hope this info was a litle helpful!

    sarah

  7. #7
    Pazygozo's Avatar
    Pazygozo is offline Shares Widely And Frequently
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    336

    Default Re: Weird questions ...

    FWIW, I have heard that a good way to make requests of people or to give instructions is to say "I need you to..." instead of something like "you should (not)..." or "I want you to...", because not only will it help you state your need directly, but it doesn't put people on the offensive since it's your need.

    Best of luck! I admire your caring concern for both your mother's and your daughter's needs.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    COUGARTOWN Baby! From here on in!
    Posts
    17,425

    Default Re: Weird questions ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Overwhelmed-First Timer
    I think I could be a bit paranoid right now as well .... (I'm a mom right now that is petrified of someone else carrying my dd as she could be dropped - or someone dirty touching her or people who look sick giving her an illness) ....

    Now that you metion it ... Everyone is coming to me talking about nursing. Nursing isn't too popular in my mix of people, so many women are very interested in hearing my wonderful experience and my mother chimes in EACH time on how much I "depended" on her in the beginning....

    I just don't know how to handle it.

    She's been acting strange really ever since she went through menopause.... it's not particularly new now ... It's just now all related to my daughter.

    1st, the things you mentioned in the 1st paragraph are NOT paranoid it's totally normal New Mama Bear stuff. We all feel that way in the Beginning. My DH didn't want to hold DS for the 1st two days. He said he seemed just to small and fragile. (And he weighed 8lbs 2oz so he wasn't even a small newborn )He still washes his hands before every time he touches him and we have hand sanitizer in the living room and bathroom for guests. DS is 6months. I've obviously grown a little more lax about it but that's with a lot of guidance and reassurance from a bunch of places. I'm not sure how old you LO is but it's not paranoia. It's you instinct to protect your baby.

    2nd, it sounds like she jealous of the attention your getting as a new mother and I think that's weird. Menopuase or not. She should be so proud of you right now and since she seems to want to focus on how great of a mother she is, perhaps you can use that to remind her that she did in fact raise you. Doesn't she trust that she raised you well enought to do a good job with your own baby?

    3rd I'm glad you feel absolutely confident in her ability to be a good care provider. That speaks volumes again to the fact that you must think she did a great job with you and your brother. But the boundaries still need to be set around respecting your wishes as the parent. Which may be hard to do since she thinks she's the parent. Luckily you have all the other very nice suggestions about how to deal with her in a non-offensive way. Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    651

    Default Re: Weird questions ...

    I don't think you sound paranoid or silly, some of the things your mother is saying/doing are not normal and not acceptable. I don't doubt your mother's love or capability, and I know you love your mother, but it sounds like she is dealing with alot of personal issues right now that she needs to get straight before she starts caring for your daughter alone. If she doesn't get those issues straight, what seems just weird and a little uncomfortable now can turn into a dominoe effect of real problems for your whole family.

    Take time when you're both in a good mood and the little one is sleeping and tell your mom how much you love her, how much her help has meant, and what a good mother she was to you, then tell her how excited you are to be a mom yourself now and how you know you'll be able to be a good mom since she was such a good example. Then tell her that you love her but are concerned that she's having a hard time moving into the phase of grandmother vs mother and that while you love her and love her help, you need her to respect that you make the decisions for your daughter and that you are a capable adult that doesn't need a mommy anymore, but a friend and helper. I hope this helps...my mother in law sounds like the spitting image of your mother and it's been very difficult to deal with. Let us know how everything turns out!

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •