My daughter is almost 3 months old and has nursed a total of 5 times in her entire life. I am exclusively pumping, and we are still trying to nurse. The 5th time she nursed was actually last night, and she nursed once last week as well. Anyway. I have no way of knowing if she will ever nurse more often, and even though my lactation consultants say it will happen someday it just seems so far away. Are there any moms out there who can understand how devastated I am at not having this wonderful nursing relationship everyone else seems to have? I feel jipped, and angry. It never occured to me in my wildest dreams that my baby would refuse me, and sometimes I just break down and cry because it seems so unfair.
Each precious time she latches it is so wonderful, so amazing. I treasure each time, but it is bittersweet too, because I just want to nurse so much more.
I have my hopes, and slowly but surely they come. First I wanted her to nurse just once, and she did. Then I kept saying 'wouldn't it be wonderful if she could do this like once a week?' and lo and behold here we are 4 times in one month. I would be estatic if we could nurse once a day, even if she is two years old before we get there.
Why are there no moms who have finally established breastfeeding at an older age? Why is there no mention of, let alone support for exclusive pumpers? Why do no breastfeeding books even mention that this can happen? Why does everyone ask if I am nursing or bottle feeding (ie formula)? Why don't these nursing moms realize what a precious wonderful gift they have been given?
The other day in church I saw a mom who had been exclusively nursing for months mixing up a bottle of formula for her baby. She said nursing was just so much work........I just wanted to cry.
Somedays I feel so great about the fact that I can at least pump, and so happy about the small steps we have made, but other times I just feel overwhelmed, disappointed, and jealous of what I want so desperatly and can't seem to have.