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Thread: Emotions all over place

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
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    Default Emotions all over place

    My ds is 4 months old today, and although he was always up every 2 hours at night for the first few months and has been a high-need baby, I have just been in heaven to have my first child and couldn't have been happier. Lately though, that feeling of being overjoyed all the time is being replaced with bitterness to my dh for "making" me in charge of everything with the baby (for example, if mommy doesn't cut his fingernails, no matter how often I ask dh to do it, they will never get done). My sister said the same thing about her dh, that whenever he watched their baby it was like he was doing her a favor, even though he's the dad. So I know its common that mothers are the primary caretakers. I guess I just feel overwhelmed (did I mention I'm in my 3rd year of a PhD program?) and isolated too. I have friends and people always want to see the baby, but I don't feel like being around people so I make excuses. My hubby and I fight most of the time, well, I yell at him all the time, for everything. Sometimes its deserved (baby is screaming and fussing and dh decides he doesn't want to hear it, so goes downstairs and plays with his guitar) and other times he tries to help but doesn't do things how I want, which isn't fair to him.

    Anyhow, the bitterness with dh is a big stressor but also its discouraging having a fussy baby who hates snuggling and cries over every little thing. I'm just feeling really down lately. Since the baby was born my sister and I stopped talking (long story, she uses my mom for daycare and threatened my mother to not see her kids anymore if my mother helping me interfered with her childcare, and so my mother hardly ever came to help me even though I'm only 1 hour away). So I have no family around to help, maybe they visit 2x month.

    Anyone go through similar things after first few "honeymoon" months ended? Thanks.
    I'm proud to be first woman in my family to breastfeed!
    cloth diapering convert!
    Loving the homemade baby food!

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Emotions all over place

    I hope things get better! Have you had a talk with your DH about all of this? I am a HORRIBLE communicator and would rather do most of my communicating by email! Terrible, I know! Anyway, things got REALLY BAD between DH and the 2nd week of September, and I had just had enough! I wrote him a lengthy email while he was work and I was still on maternity leave. It felt so good to get it all out! I cried while writing it and they felt good too!! I made sure he knew EXACTLY what I was doing ALL DAY and how stressed, tired and overwhelmed I was! He is helping out more now, but still needs some improvement. Can you make a list of things he is responsible for? Maybe make a list for both of you and put it on the fridge. I think if you really have a heart to heart with him and he sees how you are hurting, things may really get better! Ex: DH now gives our 4 y.o. his bath and puts him to bed nightly. That was a big help for me! HTH! We're here for ya!
    Betsy
    mama to:
    N 5/03
    J 6/07

  3. #3
    ericsmom is offline Shares Widely And Frequently
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    Default Re: Emotions all over place

    Oh yeah... I know the feeling. I clean, I cook, I feed the kids, I get up in the middle of the night.... There are days when I feel like I'm the only one who does anything in our house. Of course it isn't true, and when I step back and look at it with perspective I can appreciate all the things I don't do that my husband does. I agree with pp that being open with dh will help. I've been amazed at how receptive my husband has been with issues I have. Most of the time when it comes to child rearing he just doesn't feel confident- and I know I don't help him out with that either! Anyway- just so you know your not alone!

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Emotions all over place

    Quote Originally Posted by BabyChristopher View Post
    (did I mention I'm in my 3rd year of a PhD program?)
    I'm third year PhD too!! You have no idea how happy I am to hear that I am not the only crazy person who decided to have a baby while doing a PhD!!!!

    I took a few weeks off just after Hannah was born, and was really happy during that time. but then when it ended I found I was an emotional trainwreck silently seething at DH because I had to look after Hannah 24/7 while he would come home from work and sit on the couch and do nothing for hours before going to bed, while I had no time to myself and couldn't get a second to do my own work. I felt really stressed and overwhelmed. There was also the added guilt from not spending every waking second working on my thesis (which I am sure you can appreciate since you are a grad student as well).

    I agree with pp, that talking and being open with DH will help. Eventually I was just open with DH, and he has started helping me out more. I think that part of why he didn't before was because he did/does not feel confident, or thought that I could do everything better....so he just let me do everything. I still feel like when we are both home I do the majority of the childcare, but DH does a lot of chores around the house and is starting to put Hannah in her pj's and to bed at night, and he does the diaper changes when he's home......so its better, I feel a bit less overwhelmed.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
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    Default Re: Emotions all over place

    no, no, no, you're definitely not alone... Until a couple of weeks ago, I was soooo much seething at DH that I thought I could kill him telepathically...
    then, for 2 weeks in a row, he tried to help me out a little more (not much if we count the actual time, but definitely much if I consider his effort).
    I'm sorry I can't write more at the moment and explain, it's bed time for me and I'm exhausted... in a nutshell, I decided today to quit the job that was causing me so much stress with its due dates: in the past weeks I was hating DH (really, I was) because I thought it was his fault if I couldn't do the job (not sharing with me the babycare), but actually today, after I made my decision, I feel so much better and even have better feeling towards DH... he is not yet DearH again, but not completely DamnH anymore, though...
    If this thread is still "hot" tomorrow I'll post more to share my misery with you, so that you'll know, once again, that you're not alone...
    meanwhile... to you... and whish you all the best with your PhD! PhD in what?

    p.s. ITA with PPs about talking and sharing with DHs, but... well, he should be able to read my mind, shouldn't he?
    Last edited by panzona; October 12th, 2007 at 03:12 PM.
    yes, my son comfort nurses, and I comfort forum!
    teeth counter now scoring: 11!
    WAHM (though hubby behaves like I'm a SAHM) to Luca Johannes, born 23/04/2007
    as well as his great-grandmother (23/04/1916) and his aunt (23/04/1972)
    - both delighted by the generational continuity...

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2007
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    Default Re: Emotions all over place

    you definitely need to find someone to talk to...ideally your husband, but maybe join a mom's group or a playgroup. Do something to get out of the house and talk with adults. It is so important to show your child a loving relationship between you and your husband. Maybe your feelings of stress and bitterness are being picked up by the baby, which is making him upset. I hope things get better soon.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
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    Default Re: Emotions all over place

    Thank you all so much for the encouragement & sharing that you experience the same feelings sometimes! I'm not sure why but I find friends don't usually admit to any negative feelings whatsoever, they never say they are frustrated at times or stressed or anything like that. But you know what, I don't admit it to them either, isn't that funny? Its like we feel guilty saying that motherhood is anything but wonderful 24 hours a day or something. It is wonderful, but its also hard too sometimes! I did talk about things with my husband and made it really clear that I'm feeling like he has to step it up with being involved, and he was really receptive to that and has been offering to do more. I guess I have to make it a point to ask for help more, too.

    Oh and my PhD is in Clinical Psychology, and I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only person who had a baby during such an intense program!
    I'm proud to be first woman in my family to breastfeed!
    cloth diapering convert!
    Loving the homemade baby food!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
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    1,197

    Default Re: Emotions all over place

    You are definitely not alone. I am in my 8th (hopefully the last) year in my PhD program and going crazy with everything. The bad thing is my husband is in a PhD program too. The constant fighting and yelling and the fact that my son never sleeps more than 2-3 hours (sometimes 40 minutes ) in a row at night for the last 15 months are not helping either.
    I agree that you should talk to your husband about helping out though. He should at least do the household chores if not the baby work. And once the baby is on solids at 6 months, give the solid feeding job to him. And maybe you should talk to your mother too. Your baby is her grandchild too you know and she needs to be fair in helping out to her two daughters.

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