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Thread: a friend giving me problems

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    3

    Default a friend giving me problems

    first of all I want to say hi to everyone, and im soooo glad I finally found this site! I love reading about all of your positive experenices with bfing.

    Anyway, now my problem. One of my friends has a baby that is only 4 days younger than mine and she is bottlefed due to her mom having a breast reduction. Well, every since my dd has turned 1 everytime she sees me she gives me grief about my breastfeeding, even though her dd is still on the bottle. I have tried to be as nice as possable to her, but it is getting alittle crazy, and its really starting to make me mad. If it were anyone but her, I would just tell her off, but I feel bad since she really wanted to bf and couldnt. Do you think there is anything I could say to make her drop it without making her feel guilty? I just want her to let me feed my baby in peace!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
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    35

    Default Re: a friend giving me problems

    Good for you still nursing your daughter.

    It can be so hard when close friends do not support you or agree with how you parent.

    Would being really honest with her help? Something along the lines of "every time you put breastfeeding down you make me feel ......". She can not argue with your feelings. Maybe she is feeling really jealous but trying to cover it up by putting you down? Maybe having a very open and honest conversation about it could help her deal with her feelings of inadequacy/disappointment??

    A very close friend of mine chose not to breastfeed (didn't even have the excuse of surgery) and I always felt like I had to watch what I said about bf, the benefits, how much I treasure nursing my babies etc, until I realised that what I am doing is normal and I don't have to make her feel less guilty over her choices. Does that make sense??

    Hope it goes well.

  3. #3

    Default Re: a friend giving me problems

    Intersting, I have been feeling similarly with my very dearest friend. She chose not to bf for her own bundle of reasons and always feel like I have to downplay how important it is to me. More and more I feel a rift between us conerning our parenting styles. I am looking forward to seeing how others respond to this. I am not having a lot of luck talking to my friend about it. I think the suggestion of an open/honest conversation is a good one. I am sure my friend woudl be upset if she knoew how I was feelign and not sharing it with her. Perhaps I'll try it next time we walk the dogs together, then I won't have to look her right in the face, then it might not make me cry!
    Mother to Emily June, b. Sept 18, 2005 and Lucy Quinn, b. 1/20/2012

    “Buy the ticket, take the ride."
    Hunter S. Thompson

    Excitement on the Side: Who doesn't love a confident woman with long boobs...

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    265

    Default Re: a friend giving me problems

    I have gone through this same thing, and yes it is difficult, but you can still have your friendship.

    My first incident was when my son was 13 month old. I was the last one in a group of women to still be bfing, and one of the mothers said "You know Sarah, I know your lonely, but geez!" (my husband was deployed in Iraq at the time) and I was VERY offended, but then felt sorry for her that she could not have the same relationship with her child that I could with mine. Not my problem, I just kept on nursing. If she would have ever said anything again, I would have told her that I didn't interfere with her parenting, so why is she with mine?

    My 2 best friends breastfed their children, but both weaned at one year, and were not opposed to formula. They gave it to their children at times. They both knew my stance on formula (neither of my children have had a drop of it pass their lips, nor will they ever) and it came up a few times, but I was not careful on what I said. Many mothers oppose breastfeeding, saying it just isn't for them. They can list all the benefits to be of formula feeding, and I just say that bottle feeding just isn't for me, because of the benefits of breastfeeding. They understand, and actually tease me a little bit about how strongly I feel about it! We have a strong enough relationship to deal with it.

    I have talked to other aquaintences about breastfeeding, most whom have bottle fed for convienence (whatever!). Most of these women were not educated enough about breastfeeding, and I have educated them. Enough that the majority of them will be trying breastfeeding with their next baby...and I have offered to help them. I think most women who don't breastfeed oppose it because of fears of how it will feel, that they will never be able to go out, never be able to sleep, it isn't convienient, people might see their boobs (not that they never show any skin...I also let them know their boobs will get bigger!) what will they do in public, ecct. ect.

    If we don't voice ourselves, and let people know how wonderful breastfeeding is, how are we going to change this formula epidemic?

    Sarah

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    89

    Default Re: a friend giving me problems

    Interesting, this issue just came up with a friend of mine. Fortunately the topic came up while we were having a heart-to-heart and airing our opinions about several things (childrearing, household chores, and husbands) so it didn't "stick out" as an special area of disagreement. In the end her reasons for not liking bf came down to "it didn't feel right for me" and "my breasts are for me and for sex". She also acknowledged that she understands that bf is fulfilling for most mothers and best for babies. As much as I might disagree with her opinion, I was glad we could talk about it and stay friends. As KellyAnn said, though, as we talked I also felt a rift in our parenting styles that went beyond bfing. Maybe the mindset of "being available to my child" that a person needs in order to keep nursing a baby/toddler was what was lacking? I can't quite put my finger on it but there seemed to be some important emotional ingredient that was missing. Her son, who is now almost four, seems to be a very needy child in some ways and strangely overindulged in others, and as a result is not much fun to be around. (Rambling here . . . sorry.)

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
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    3

    Default Re: a friend giving me problems

    I could try having an honest conversation with her, but i really think she would start getting defencive....thats just how she is. And if its just me and her I can usually ignore her and just move on "as much as it kills me! lol" but we goto a playgroup together once every two weeks and I am the ONLY bfing mother there, and once she brings up the fact that Im still bfing it just opens the floodgates to the famous comments.....I ff and my baby is healthy! I ff and my baby was weaned to a cup by 10 months! How can you let a baby that old suck on you, doesnt it feel weird? Im sure you have heard them all before, but it still agrevates me! I have another playgroup that I goto once a week and many of the ladies there bf and a few are ebf, so I think i might just cut out the other one all together and save myself some stress.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    8

    Default Re: a friend giving me problems

    I would agree with the others by having an honest conversation. And when the subject is brought up, be confident in your choice. Tell the others that you're glad that they chose to ff, however that was their choice, not yours. Each baby and mother have a unique relationship. And for you, you and your baby have chosen to continue nursing. It would be wonderful if mothers could support each other in their choices rather than assuming what we've chosen is right for everyone. I've struggled with this concept for about 6 years. Then recently I made a dear friend who nursed her first baby and co-slept for the first 3 years. However, with her second baby she chose to ff and put this baby in a crib. It helped me realize she was just a mom struggling to do what she thought was best just like every other mom. I've realized with my own kids each baby is different, and therefore our parenting has to adjust to each child. Making the best choice for ourselves and our babies should be the goal. We should have the freedom to make that decision for our family...and give other families the same respect. Then be confident in your choices! I applaud you for continuing to nurse and nurture your baby as you see fit! So many women feel the pressure to wean...and give in. Way to go! Your baby will be all grown up before you know it, enjoy it while you can.

    Christina
    Mom to: 6 year old (breastfed for 20 months)
    4 year old (breastfed for 28 months)
    16 month old (still nursing)

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    16

    Default Re: a friend giving me problems

    GREAT TOPIC!
    My friends and I breastfed according to each's lifestyle ect. My very best friend since 4th grade (I am 29 now) gives me grief all the time about nursing still because my son is 2. I tell her I see toddlers at age 3-4 with a pacifier and that I don't see a problem with pacifiers at age 3-4, so whats the difference. I am the pacifier. She says its almost perverted to give your child memories of nursing they'll remember. I say the opposite. My aunt-in-law nursed past age 3 and remembers it and has very comfortable memories about it, almost like she goes back in time when she talks about it. I also think my son will have respect for women if for no other reason that he will remember what breasts are really for, and because of it, know that women are not pieces of meat. So my friend still thinks its weird and I tell her thats a Y.P. (your problem).
    We also disagree on certain parenting styles although we are religious such as, I will not let my kids watch sponge-bob and she thinks I'm a heathen because I wear pants. Whatever. so we disagree and move on to things like what we are going to fix next in the house and what our husbands did recently to aggrivate us. Ce La Vi........

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