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Thread: I'm starting to feel resentful...

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
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    265

    Default I'm starting to feel resentful...

    I am starting to resent my almost 7 month old. I HATE this feeling. He is DS#2, and I never had issues like this with DS#1. DS#1 had some medical issues, did cry alot and only wanted me. DS#2 cries and cries and cries. We have done the whole allergy thing, he is good on that part. He cries for no reason at all. If he drops something, he SCREAMS...the colic scream. All I want to do is run away and cry myself. He is either in a great mood, or a horrible one, there is no in between. I do wear him, which is getting a bit tough sometimes because at 6 months he is almost 20 lbs. We go for walks, play, he is now mobile, rolling and creeping everywhere, but that actually seems to piss him off a bit because he gets stuck (he will roll into something reapeatedly...I know he is just learning). The colicky behavior (no belly issues though) just doesn't seem to be stopping. DS#1 just got this nasty vascular disease called HSP that is horrible, so he really needs me, but the baby just screams...that blood curdling colic scream. I feel like I have done everything for this kid, horrible pregnancy, diet restriction, lack of sleep, the list can go on and on, but he hates me. I know that at some point it will end, but part of me wishes he was formula fed so I could just hand him off to someone for a few days and take a break. Why do I always feel the need to try and be mother of the year?!

    Thanks for letting me vent...

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    1,168

    Default Re: I'm starting to feel resentful...

    Oh, wow. I can't imagine how stressful and exhausting it is to deal with that situation for such a long time. Feeling resentful sounds like a very natural and understandable outcome.

    The one thing I will encourage you to change is the conclusion that your son hates you. That, quite simply, is not a possibility. He needs you and he loves you. Your presence and care may not be a cure-all for whatever ails him, but you are an essential ingredient in his life! And I believe this is true whether a mom is breastfeeding or not -- babies need their mother's presence just like they need food and warmth.

    It is awfully hard to give and give to someone who doesn't seem to appreciate it. Maybe if you give yourself permission to have these normal feelings -- and most of all, give yourself permission to not have all the answers for this challenging child -- maybe it will become easier for you to do what you can anyway, trusting that your mothering is having an impact and will help him learn and grow.

    Have you read _Raising Your Spirited Child_? Based on your description, I suspect you have a spirited child there -- unusually intense, willful, and sensitive. That book is a great resource for learning some tips/tricks but most of all for changing the parents' mindset from "My child hates me; I resent him" to "My child is an often delightful challenge and I am up to the task of raising him."

    --Rebecca

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    1,551

    Default Re: I'm starting to feel resentful...

    Hi mommymilk,
    You sound overwhelmed! You've got a full plate with a high-need baby and your older son's medical issues, too. Your baby doesn't hate you! We all just do the best we can during stressful times. There is no need to try for "mother of the year". When things get rough we should all be nominated for that one, just for getting through the day! quakerm0mma has a good point about acknowledging that your feelings are quite normal given the circumstances. Babies can certainly challenge us at times, but rest assured you are the perfect momma for your baby.

    Here are a couple of resources that address high-need babies and talk about the fact that there is light at the end of the tunnel!
    http://www.lalecheleague.org/NB/NBJulAug02p142.html
    http://www.lalecheleague.org/NB/NBSepOct96p136.html

    Warmly,
    Mary

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    16

    Default Re: I'm starting to feel resentful...

    have heart!! this will end. It sounds like your Ds is very much like my DS#2... he too was like this. For us, it was teaching him to sleep and routine. He didn't like change in a routine as a baby, wouldn't stay with anyone but my MIL and only seem to really like me. He wouldn't nap for fear of missing something with me, and hated to be away fro me. I found that installing a good schedule (solid but still flexible) helped me a lot through that first year with him, until he got some verbal skills and learned how to sleep. Once he learned how his days will go he was much better... and though it sounds mean, I did have to let him cry it out some. (It was the only way I could catch a break or pee!!) You have to give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up over it!! If you were the only one out there with this issue, books would have never been written on the subject so know you are not alone!!

    If you can express some milk, I highly recommend this so that you can give someone else the task of caring for him for an hour. I know exactly how you feel and if you don't find a way to give yourself a break, then you will feel worse. I ended up depressed because I didn't give myself an outlet and always felt like no one else would be able to handle DS though I felt I could barely handle him. He needs to know you love him but he also has to start learning to function a bit on his own. It's hard and there will be more crying ahead but you will make it through. He wants to be independant but yet, feels he can't function without you. My DS is now 5 and I will say he is a spirited (fits the description from a pervious post to almost a T) child. I try to ease things for him as far as letting him know how the day will change, what's going on (lots of repeating) and preparation. At the same time though, he loves with a fierceness that I can't compare in any of my other children. I love him to death and can't imagine how I made it through the first year... You too can make it!!. I wish you all the luck and will keep you in my prayers.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    265

    Default Re: I'm starting to feel resentful...

    Thank you everyone for responding. I was really having a tough few days! I needed to vent, and I really needed encouragement!

    I have read -Raising Your Spirited Child- because my 3 1/2 yo is incredibly spirited...and I know his baby brother is the same, only more so! I need to practice some of the principles in the book more. I will say, after two very "spirited" kids, we are done. I am not cut out to take on another!

    I am taking lots of deep breaths, and trying to look at things a bit different!

    Thank you again!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    14

    Default Re: I'm starting to feel resentful...

    Hi mommymilk,
    I am so sorry about ds#1's illness, that's just awful. And to have ds#2 be so challenging must be very hard.

    I felt compelled to post, because what you are experiencing with ds#2 sounds a lot like what I went through with dd from about 7 to 8 m.o. She'd scream the colicky scream, arch her back and almost "growl" in anger and do it for up to 45 minutes at a time! In our case we know we have a cow's milk sensitivity issue, but I've eliminated that from my diet. She still would scream. I couldn't leave her to go to the bathroom. She'd cry when I held her, arch away from me, even sometimes when I tried to BF her. There were moments I wanted to throw her in her crib and leave the room and just let her scream for hours. I was at the breaking point. At that critical point my mom came to visit me. She helped me realize that my own stress was probably adding to dd's constant screaming and temper tantrums. She felt my frustration and was reacting to it (this actually made me wonder whether stress hormones actually get through to the baby in the milk). I was a colicky baby (most likely had cow's milk sensitivity that went undiagnosed) and a very challenging child, so my mom's a veteran. She told me I needed to slow myself slow down and take deep breaths and think "Zen" meditation. She said I should say this mantra in my head "it's not her fault... she's a baby and something must be wrong otherwise she wouldn't be doing this... babies communicate by crying... she loves me and I love her..." And I'd say that over and over again until I calmed down. I saw a change in dd almost overnight! It was incredible. She not the same child anymore. She's still challenging at bedtime (she is not a sleeper - wakes up with bad gas every 1-2 hours every night, something we're still trying to figure out), but she's no longer angry and screaming like she was. I don't know if any of this would apply to you, but I thought I'd share. And good luck with all you're dealing with. I'll be sending positive thoughts your way. We will survive this !

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