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Thread: does anyone not admit to EXBF?

  1. #1
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    Nov 2006
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    Default does anyone not admit to EXBF?

    My son is 27 months and I really don't like to admit that we are still BFing. Many people in my life know - my whole family and some close friends, but I don't like to admit it often. I'll talk about him needing me to help him sleep, but I don't say how.

    My DH's stepfather will ask my DH "is she still feeding him?" Not BREASTfeeding or nursing, but just "feeding" and we know what he means. My husband gave a good answer "a little at night."
    it is hard to come out and lie for some reason. Although the question is totally inappropriate, I feel that ignoring it will be translated that I still do and I am embarrassed. I know it sounds like I am embarrassed and I guess I am a little.
    My new answer is going to be "not really." I like this one.

    I just think it is so hard when you know hardly anyone who breastfed anywhere close to this long (short of some people I meet at the occasionally LLL meeting I have time for). And I know my inlaws totally don't approve.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: does anyone not admit to EXBF?

    I am pregnant and haven't even started BFing yet.My second child. (keep that in mind. I do not have any experience with EXBF.
    I have a hard time not being passive. It is something I must work at all the time. I want you to keep one thing in mind. (I was never one to 'stand up' until I had my Baby and new all would be different). This is YOUR baby. Your in-laws were able to make the decisions they wanted for their baby(your DH). It is now YOUR TURN.
    I have made this clear to my parents and I even had to make it clear to my in-laws as well. You will NEVER get these years back. PLEASE, do what you think is right and have no regrets. Pleasing others never happens(I know I've tried).
    Take good care,
    Donna(this is meant to be helpful, I hope it didn't come out mean or anything)
    ((hugs))

  3. #3
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    Mar 2006
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    Default Re: does anyone not admit to EXBF?

    I think that's an age where we get a little uncomfortable because we are starting to put more limits on nursing the the child is getting very articulate. Two things that can make others think that nursing has become a problem for the child. I stopped bringing it up around two. I was almost boastful about nursing before that, but then I started hoping she wouldn't ask when others were around.

    Once my child understood and accepted limits better and no one had any clue she was still nursing, I became outspoken about it again. (She'll be three in April.) She's down to once a day and when people make comments on her good health or something I will tell them maybe it's because she's still breastfeeding. I'm proud of it again. But for a short time it was more like I was doing it because she needed it, but not because it was great parenting. Now that its almost over, I am positive that it has been great parenting. And since no one can tell now, they can't judge it. I especially enjoy telling mothers of slightly younger nurslings that she's still nursing so that they can do it with more confidence. I know it has helped me to be exposed to nursing toddlers before my child was that age. Oh and bless the MUCH older mothers (now grand mothers) who have told me that they breastfed their kids until they were two or three or four and look back fondly on the time when they look at my child! It is so normal but it's just amazing how ignorant I was about "extended breastfeeding" before I was a breastfeeding mother. While sometimes it feels like the world knows we're STILL breastfeeding, perhaps we are still hiding it too well. Because it still seems so unique... even novel, and it's not.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: does anyone not admit to EXBF?

    my son is 27 months too, everyone around us knows he's still bf. I am very proud and at the same time I am self-conscious. I have this friend who will ALWAYS ask 'Do you REALLY have milk?' I smile at her.
    I went to a doctor the other day and he suggested some medication, I had to inform him that I'm bf, but not to worry since it's an older child, when he asked the age I said 1.
    for some reason that age seemed normal to me.
    Every month that passes, an older age becomes normal
    Around his 2nd b-day I realised that I prefer to hang out with my LLL friends (we've started having unofficial toddler meetings and hang out more often) than with friends of my...past who perhaps have other ideas.
    No one has been offensive though, thank god, but I guess it's because they see my confidence

  5. #5
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    Default Re: does anyone not admit to EXBF?

    Its not so much that I don't admit to it as sometimes I just say that we have started weaning, which isn't really a lie, because she eats solids, and essentially thats the start of weaning, right? I try to be really proud of it, because I want to set an example for other people, and I try to remember that there really isn't anything weird or abnormal about it, even though thats what I have heard for years and years. I even thought it at one point. So I understand where people are coming from when they think that I can't nurse and be pregnant, or when they tell me that nursing 2 will be too much for my body, and not healthy for my daughter. But I now differently now, and I think its best to try to pass that word along. Don't get me wrong, there are sometimes when I just don't want to get into a debate, but most of the time, with people close to me, I go off on all the literature and they just reallize that a.) I am not going to change my opinion, and b.) I have the science to prove it.


    Erin
    Wife to a grizzly
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    Born by one c-section and 2 amazing VBACs


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  6. #6
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    Default Re: does anyone not admit to EXBF?

    ya'll would love my mom.....she bf me until i was 4.
    i dont think i'll make it that long, but i'll try to hang in there for some exbf'ing
    Casey, mother to a cuckoo boy
    Guillaume~ a birthday present for his mommy 11~9~06
    still breastfeeding, co-sleeping and cloth diapering

  7. #7
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    Default Re: does anyone not admit to EXBF?

    A good friend of mine takes it, as she calls it, "underground" around 2 and a half because of negative feedback regarding extended breastfeeding she's experienced. She's nursed her older children until around 3, practiced child-led weaning, and has 8 kids, all spaced around 3-5 years apart thanks to natural child spacing. She stops NIP and then starts saying things like she's got to help her child go to sleep or whatever.

    I also used to think extended breastfeeding was weird, until I had an older child who was just not ready to wean at a year, which is when society thinks you must wean (if you haven't already). I caught a lot of flak for nursing while pregnant and doing child-led weaning. But you do what's best for your family. DS #1 needed to nurse for 22 months. I'm already getting comments like "Colton's probably going to wean early since he doesn't comfort nurse." Who knows!
    Susan
    Mama to my all-natural boys: Ian, 9-4-04, 11.5 lbs; Colton, 11-7-06, 9 lbs, in the water; Logan, 12-8-08, 9 lbs; Gavin, 1-18-11, 9 lbs; and an angel 1-15-06
    18+ months and for Gavin, born with an incomplete cleft lip and incomplete posterior cleft palate
    Sealed for time and eternity, 7-7-93
    Always babywearing, cosleeping and cloth diapering. Living with oppositional defiant disorder and ADHD. Ask me about cloth diapering and sewing your own diapers!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
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    Default Re: does anyone not admit to EXBF?

    Quote Originally Posted by epbrown View Post
    Its not so much that I don't admit to it as sometimes I just say that we have started weaning, which isn't really a lie, because she eats solids, and essentially thats the start of weaning, right?
    very true!
    Quote Originally Posted by epbrown View Post
    I try to be really proud of it, because I want to set an example for other people,
    I agree, I think we ought to fight two 'battles', one is to listen to our children and let them decide when they're rerady to wean and two, we need to change the mentality that what we're doing is wrong.
    I was also in their shoes, like you say, and I'm not going to change other peoples' minds, but making it appear totally normal, people do get influenced.

    I had a friend who was very negative about bf, watching me with disgust asking me how I can stand it (she thought it was painfull or something). A year later she had her own child and asked for guidance to bf!!!
    'well, it's good for my baby so I'll give it a try, if it's not weird I'll see'.
    I think she bf for almost 6 months!
    having seen other people do it, made all the difference.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
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    157

    Default Re: does anyone not admit to EXBF?

    Quote Originally Posted by lisa1124 View Post
    My son is 27 months and I really don't like to admit that we are still BFing. Many people in my life know - my whole family and some close friends, but I don't like to admit it often. I'll talk about him needing me to help him sleep, but I don't say how.

    My DH's stepfather will ask my DH "is she still feeding him?" Not
    BREASTfeeding or nursing, but just "feeding" and we know what he means. My husband gave a good answer "a little at night."
    it is hard to come out and lie for some reason. Although the question is totally inappropriate, I feel that ignoring it will be translated that I still do and I am embarrassed. I know it sounds like I am embarrassed and I guess I am a little.
    My new answer is going to be "not really." I like this one.

    I just think it is so hard when you know hardly anyone who breastfed anywhere close to this long (short of some people I meet at the occasionally LLL meeting I have time for). And I know my inlaws totally don't approve.

    I do avoid the questions at times. For me, I have learned that there are times to offer my mothering experiences in a "teaching way" and there are times to keep some information to myself. I begin to resent direct questions like, "Is E still nursing? When do you plan to wean?" I dislike the feeling I have had when asked that question of trying to *explain* myself or justify it to another person whom I feel may not approve of my decision.

    When I really do not want to receive (possible) judgment or criticism, I avoid these questions and have asked, casually, "Why do you want to know?" Or I say, in a friendly way with a smile, "this is something I don't really discuss with other people". I may just ignore the question altogether and change the subject. It is none of anyone's business how I care for my child. It is a very private question. I really want to be polite, but maintain my boundaries with other people.

    You are the best one, and of course you know this already, to make the judgement call on what to share with others regarding your parenting choices. Breastfeeding is a personal choice between mother and baby/child and it is your right to protect both yourself and your little one from negative influences. With my children growing older and understanding more of adult conversation, I also want to protect them from feeling bad about nursing when someone asks if they are "still" nursing. It is a relationship, which is difficult to explain to other people who are asking. I shudder to think of my child feeling guilty for having his needs met at my breast and I want to keep him safe, emotionally, from anyone who might inadvertedly cause him this pain and mistrust in himself.

    I have had times when someone is just being a bit too nosy and looking for some good dirt to whisper to friends (this *happens* Even the best of women like to shock each other with such unbelieveable news as: "Can you believe Susie is nursing a 3 year old and she's expecting??!!") or the well-meaning, protective mother-in-law who genuinely wants what she feel is best for her grandson, but may not agree with my choices in this regard.

    Having that said, I have also been able to discern at times when someone is genuinely interested in extended breastfeeding itself, and even then I carefully choose information to share and decide whether or not to talk about the way we do things.

    I have also found, and this is not always true but can be sometimes, that if a person asks how *I* do something, it is not the best teaching moment or way of going about it, but if I can offer general information on breastfeeding that is what helped them. So, if I am asked, "When do you plan to wean?", I might turn the question into one for them ("Weaning a child is such a personal decision. How do you feel about it?") b/c that may be what they want anyway, to process it themselves and they are just searching for a way to talk with me about it.

    Hope something here is helpful for you. Keep up the *great* work of being a mother to your LO and staying true to yourself. Your child is so lucky to have a mom like you!

    --Eve
    Last edited by LLLMamaEve; February 19th, 2007 at 08:38 AM.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
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    882

    Default Re: does anyone not admit to EXBF?

    My DD just turned 4...and I (forcibly) weaned her at 27 months. It's not something I wanted to do, but with my milk gone it was painful to nurse her at all. I would have nursed her longer had that not happened.

    I've never not answered a question. If someone asked me, I told them. I don't really care what anyone thinks. I do what is best for my child and my family and if they don't approve, they are free to make different choices with their children/family.

    My MIL used to ask me why I was still BF'ing my DD when she was 2 years old, insisting that kids do not benefit from BM. I simply looked at her and said, "Has she ever been sick?" (she got sick for the first time at 28 months old) And left it at that. I'll do the same for my son.

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