today was a big day for me, my son and my husband, who was there cheering me on, and I just had to share. So apologies in advance for the long post.
After two months of pumping and taking milk into the hospital, worrying myself half to death about my supply issues, and trying to find as much information about things to help with it, I was finally able to breastfeed my little fellow today, for the first time.
I went into his room this evening, not expecting perfection by any means but, more an introduction/getting to know how things work kind of thing, for the both of us. Instead, after a moment or two, our little boy managed to latch on and take to it all like a duck to water. It looked to us that, he took a little over half of his hospital sized feed from me, before he needed to stop and sleep. I'm not sure how well he did by preemie standards, but I was impressed considering my low expectations before we began.
And at last I got to experience what other BF mothers do! It really is true, you just can't quite explain the way it feels to someone who's never tried it. It was the most amazing thing, there was such a sense of rightness about it all. Being apart from him since he was born was so tough. For the first few days in the mother and baby unit I was a mess. All around me I could hear new mothers with their babies, while I was alone in my room after my c-section and, he was in his incubator a floor above me. After I came home, I tried to distance myself from my feelings somewhat, just to cope with being away from him. It helped a little, but there were a lot of weepy moments, specially the ones where I had to turn my back at the end of a visit and walk away.
But things are getting better for us all. Robert's gaining weight nicely, getting stronger and much more aware of the world around him. He's been moved from the NICU into a step down unit so I can actually stay with him overnight now. I did so over the weekend. I was so excited I got about an hour of sleep, and spent the rest of the time just watching and listening to him. Oh, and making his nurse laugh when I rushed over to tell her the latest new thing I discovered about him. Then there was this evening and, I finally feel like a proper Mum now, instead of some woman who wanders in to visit a baby, cuddle him for a while and drop off some milk.
I fed my baby.