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Thread: Help me respond to ped: 16 mo. old and nightwaking/BFing

  1. #11
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    Default Re: Help me respond to ped: 16 mo. old and nightwaking/BFing

    Molly, I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Dh's just don't understand and sometimes I wish Nigel spent as much time here as I do so he could see it wasn't that "abnormal" for babies to wake up to eat at night and that cio isn't the solution. I think your hypothesis might be right. If your dh is letting your dd cry it out for naps, she may have learned that she can't trust him.

    Dr. Sears methods for getting your baby to sleep at night
    Harvard study decries "Cry It Out"
    Why don't you let your baby cry it out?
    Crying it out causes "brain damage"
    Night nursing and toddlers

    These are few articles that might be useful. I hope they might help.

    Erin
    Wife to a grizzly
    Mama to my little deer (12/05) my loving bear cub (9/07--), and our little tiger (3/22/10)
    Born by one c-section and 2 amazing VBACs


    Miles in 2012: 350.5/900 (Actual Miles Ran: 189)
    Miles in 2011: 708.5 (Actual Miles Ran: 509)
    Miles in 2010: 800.5 (Actual Miles Ran: 620)

    January Miles: 37.5/75
    February Miles: 59/75
    March Miles: 42.5/60
    April Miles: 64
    May Miles: 41/70
    June Miles: 59
    July Miles: 39.5

    227.5 miles on my new shoes
    338 miles on my old shoes

  2. #12
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    Default Re: Help me respond to ped: 16 mo. old and nightwaking/BFing

    Thanks, Erin. I am especially interested to read the one on night nursing and toddlers. I have read some of the others, too.
    Of course, my DH is at home a lot more than me so it puts me in a weird position.
    To his credit, we talked about CIO and trust issues a couple of months ago and he seemed to be on board. For a while we were using a Pantley-esque method of staying in the room with her until she fell asleep. It worked for a while, but she started trying to stay up and play and wouldn't be comforted by rocking or anything anyway, and my DH was spending up to an hour in her room every day trying to get her to nap without CIO (same thing at night time). And she was tired. And we have a three-year old who may or may not have been also napping at that time and needing attention as well.
    It just was not working.
    So, my DH didn't know what else to do, and I didn't have any other ideas. He said she only fusses for a minute or two and doesn't cry herself to exhaustion. Although she may be upset at not having us in the room with her, at least I know she is at the age where she understands object permanence and knows we are "there" even though we are not in the same room. I don't think that "CIO" at 16 months is the same as CIO for an infant, as far as brain damage etc., KWIM?
    So, although I do think it might be creating trust issues between them, I don't have an alternative for my DH, so I just come across as critical without any constructive solution. Because nothing else has worked, he has fallen back on the old rhetoric that responding to her crying is only teaching her to cry more.
    We have had no other problems with my DH as a SAHD. He is a wonderful father and does such a good job caring for the children and our home. He is also a very loving husband. I'm sure there are some who think I have nothing to complain about! But the constant strain around BFing and related issues is hard for us.
    I'm really just sorting out my feelings on the keyboard, I guess. You ladies are the best.

    Molly

    Loving mama to JP (DS, 1/03 ~ nursed 6 mos), EL (DD1, 9/05 ~ nursed 4 yrs), EJ (DD2, 3/08 ~ nursed 3 yrs 9 mos), and
    JM (DD3, 6/12 ~ currently nursing), all born naturally
    Devoted wife to SAHD P, my hero
    A few of my favorite things that I've discovered on the forum: co-sleeping, baby-wearing, tandem nursing, baby-led solids, cloth diapering, APing, selective vaccination...the list goes on

  3. #13
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    Default Re: Help me respond to ped: 16 mo. old and nightwaking/BFing

    After your explanation of his method of letting her cry it out, I must agree that it is much different than with an infant. Sometimes babies must fuss, and it sounds like it is more of a fuss than a cry???

    And I hated the way that was called brain damage, but that's what the article said...it is actually a play on the term. And at Eva's age, it does seem that if you put her in her crib and tell her its naptime, she should be old enough to comprehend it. When he puts her down does he explain to her that it is naptime and that he won't be returning until she has napped? We do that with my dd...we put her down and tell her we won't pick her up until she has napped. If she wants to play, we leave the room and she can play for the 30 minute period, or she can nap. Its up to her. If she cries, we go back to her and (or stay in the room with her if she starts crying immediately), but we don't pick her back up...unless of course I know she wants to nurse and just needs to convince herself. Then I will pick her up and nurse her and put her right back to bed. Dh doesn't have that option, of course, but if he thinks she might be thirsty or hungry, then he picks her up, gives a bottle/water/food or whatever and puts her back to bed. This happens very rarely, but she those are the only options she has...eat and go back to bed.

    I think that by using the method your dh is using, if she could be "taught" to self soothe, she would be learning it, and able to "put herself back to sleep" at night. How long do you let her fuss at night before you go to get her? Sometimes, when I am really tired, I will not "hear" dd right away and before I get woken up enough to go get her she falls back to sleep. Its not crying it out, b/c it literally takes only 30 seconds and she never even gets to a cry...its truly a fuss. Sometimes in the morning, dh will say, "See, I told you cio works" and I'm like, if that's your def. of cio, you are a way nicer guy than I thought . I never let her get to the point of crying, but maybe that is something for you to consider at night. Of course, if you don't want to give up that 1 night nursing, and you aren't complaining to y our dh about it, he should just keep his mouth shut . I am almost positive that the fact you go get your dd once a night to bf her is not at all related to her nap pattern. Then again, if I knew how to get a baby to sleep, I might just do it...mine is now a "toddler" and still wakes up 3-5 times at night. Although I don't really mind getting up, I still might like the sleep. Catch 22, I guess.

    Erin
    Wife to a grizzly
    Mama to my little deer (12/05) my loving bear cub (9/07--), and our little tiger (3/22/10)
    Born by one c-section and 2 amazing VBACs


    Miles in 2012: 350.5/900 (Actual Miles Ran: 189)
    Miles in 2011: 708.5 (Actual Miles Ran: 509)
    Miles in 2010: 800.5 (Actual Miles Ran: 620)

    January Miles: 37.5/75
    February Miles: 59/75
    March Miles: 42.5/60
    April Miles: 64
    May Miles: 41/70
    June Miles: 59
    July Miles: 39.5

    227.5 miles on my new shoes
    338 miles on my old shoes

  4. #14
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    Default Re: Help me respond to ped: 16 mo. old and nightwaking/BFing

    Oh yeah, and as if my previous post wasn't long enough (gosh, I am long winded today!), I wanted to add something . Dh has no more of a difficult time getting dd to sleep than I do...she has never nursed to sleep except at night and it has always been difficult. We have been berated for not letting her cry, by everyone I know. My mom, the sitter, my friends with kids, and my friends w/o kids have all told us that is the solution. The sitter does what we wish (bless her heart) and doesn't let her cio, but we all let her fuss to sleep. I have tried everything else, and have also tried just not making her sleep, thinking she might just fall asleep on her own. Yeah right...not happening to my little girl. She fights it with all of her little might. Fussing is the only way for her. But she doesn't cry...I do not let her cry, at least not alone. I go to her. That's the compromise we have had to reach. Anyway, I wanted to respond to your question above about other caregivers...and that has been our experience.

    Erin
    Wife to a grizzly
    Mama to my little deer (12/05) my loving bear cub (9/07--), and our little tiger (3/22/10)
    Born by one c-section and 2 amazing VBACs


    Miles in 2012: 350.5/900 (Actual Miles Ran: 189)
    Miles in 2011: 708.5 (Actual Miles Ran: 509)
    Miles in 2010: 800.5 (Actual Miles Ran: 620)

    January Miles: 37.5/75
    February Miles: 59/75
    March Miles: 42.5/60
    April Miles: 64
    May Miles: 41/70
    June Miles: 59
    July Miles: 39.5

    227.5 miles on my new shoes
    338 miles on my old shoes

  5. #15
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    Default Re: Help me respond to ped: 16 mo. old and nightwaking/BFing

    Thanks again for all the input. It seems we both have pretty headstrong little women. Gotta love them, though!
    I do let her "fuss" a little before I go to her at night, and if she fusses a little after I leave the room at bedtime I don't worry about it. What worries me is when she clings to me fiercely and then wails when I leave the room. I will even let that go for about 30 seconds if she calms down quickly, but last night she cried for a couple of minutes and I went back in and sat with her. She just has NOT wanted me to leave the room the past couple of nights.
    The stupid ped's advice is really poisoning my DH, so that he thinks that any of DD's sleep issues are caused by not "being consistent" in letting her CIO.

    Molly

    Loving mama to JP (DS, 1/03 ~ nursed 6 mos), EL (DD1, 9/05 ~ nursed 4 yrs), EJ (DD2, 3/08 ~ nursed 3 yrs 9 mos), and
    JM (DD3, 6/12 ~ currently nursing), all born naturally
    Devoted wife to SAHD P, my hero
    A few of my favorite things that I've discovered on the forum: co-sleeping, baby-wearing, tandem nursing, baby-led solids, cloth diapering, APing, selective vaccination...the list goes on

  6. #16
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    Mar 2006
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    Default Re: Help me respond to ped: 16 mo. old and nightwaking/BFing

    Separation anxiety causes this phenomenon. I wonder if that isn't the cause and it actually has nothing to do with her sleeping and/or going to sleep? Remember that every baby copes with these things differently, so even if it is only happening around her sleeping times, it might be this and not your lack of consistency. Although I do have to agree with your dh to some degree in that consistency is important, your little girl is smart enough to know the difference between going to sleep in the first place (like when she first goes down for the night and when she is taking naps) and when she wakes up in the middle of the night. I can tell by my dd's cries at night that sometimes she is just plain scared. She goes to bed there, the room is just as dark, literally nothing is different. But she is scared when she wakes up. She is confused. I am sorry, but your dh is making me mad right now (maybe b/c what you are describing is so much like what we go through...my dh is sooo pro cio that its not even funny, and I think my anger for my dh may be showing through ).

    Anyway...just some more thoughts from the very chatty Erin!

    Erin
    Wife to a grizzly
    Mama to my little deer (12/05) my loving bear cub (9/07--), and our little tiger (3/22/10)
    Born by one c-section and 2 amazing VBACs


    Miles in 2012: 350.5/900 (Actual Miles Ran: 189)
    Miles in 2011: 708.5 (Actual Miles Ran: 509)
    Miles in 2010: 800.5 (Actual Miles Ran: 620)

    January Miles: 37.5/75
    February Miles: 59/75
    March Miles: 42.5/60
    April Miles: 64
    May Miles: 41/70
    June Miles: 59
    July Miles: 39.5

    227.5 miles on my new shoes
    338 miles on my old shoes

  7. #17
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
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    8,018

    Default Re: Help me respond to ped: 16 mo. old and nightwaking/BFing

    Quote Originally Posted by epbrown View Post
    I am sorry, but your dh is making me mad right now (maybe b/c what you are describing is so much like what we go through...my dh is sooo pro cio that its not even funny, and I think my anger for my dh may be showing through ).

    Anyway...just some more thoughts from the very chatty Erin!
    Good thought on the separation anxiety. Maybe it will help if we deal with that issue more directly.
    My DH is making me mad, too, and I am obviously struggling to see his perspective and try to keep communication going on this.
    Thanks for being chatty! I am feeling less stressed already!
    Off to the doctor about my thrush...*sigh*

    Molly

    Loving mama to JP (DS, 1/03 ~ nursed 6 mos), EL (DD1, 9/05 ~ nursed 4 yrs), EJ (DD2, 3/08 ~ nursed 3 yrs 9 mos), and
    JM (DD3, 6/12 ~ currently nursing), all born naturally
    Devoted wife to SAHD P, my hero
    A few of my favorite things that I've discovered on the forum: co-sleeping, baby-wearing, tandem nursing, baby-led solids, cloth diapering, APing, selective vaccination...the list goes on

  8. #18
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
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    4,029

    Default Re: Help me respond to ped: 16 mo. old and nightwaking/BFing

    Gosh, that must be really hard when the medical "professional" is suggesting that you're doing the wrong thing!!

    I agree with the PP. Doctors are great for MEDICAL advice, not PARENTING advice. If you get a doctor that's good at both, then you have it made. But, let's face it, the night nursing really isn't a medical issue. How can it possibly be harmful? So, it must be a parenting issue, then, and we all know how many thousands of different ways there are to raise a child.

    Good luck to you trying to work in out with your DH.

    Lisa

    P.S. Oh, and be sure to remind your DH that night weaning by no means equals no night waking. We weaned our DS about 2 months ago, and he still wakes about 2-3 times a week. Last night, we were up for an hour and a half (at 12:30 a.m.), because he felt like it was time to be up for the day!

  9. #19
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    Nov 2006
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    Default Re: Help me respond to ped: 16 mo. old and nightwaking/BFing

    I know this is not the answer you are looking for, but I don't even discuss this with my son's doctor. It is none of his business. I think how your child goes to sleep is a parenting issue and not a medical one. If all other signs point to the fact that your child is healthy, then what does it matter.

    My doctor stopped asking after Max's 9 month visit if he was still BFing and when he asked if he is sleeping through the night, I say, for the most part and that is it. Like I said, this is a parenting issue and not a medical one.

  10. #20
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    Oct 2006
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    Default Re: Help me respond to ped: 16 mo. old and nightwaking/BFing

    I think your doctor was way out of line. Because we've moved a lot my 3 kids have had 3 different doctors and all of them have taken that attitude that if what you are doing is working for your family then it is not a problem. Do you and your dh think your lo is well rested. That's what matters.

    How confident is your dh in your decisions about how to handle your lo night wakenings? At this point in my mommy career I exude confidence about my baby (I'm clueless with my 4 year old, but I'm learning on him!). I think the doctors pick up on the fact that I know what I'm doing and leave me alone. I'm sure if I asked for advice they tell me to let my baby cry -- but then I couldn't snuggle with him all night which is the fun part of having a baby in the house.

    This shouldn't need to be said, but remember that doctors are not experts on nursing. It's not like they receive any special training in that area. Our old pediatrician asked me for advice on weaning her son. And on a related subject I can't tell you how many doctors I've had tell me that nursing doesn't space babies! Ha! I've had 3 periods in nearly 6 years.

    Laura
    Last edited by @llli*AllNightDQ; January 7th, 2007 at 09:59 PM. Reason: more to say

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