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Thread: I need emotional support

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2006

    Default I need emotional support

    I have tried to deal with this on my own, but it has become too painful and this is the only place I thought I might could come. If this is wrong, or in the wrong place I appoligise.

    The whole time I was pregnant I wanted to BF. I was induced at 36 weeks due to pre-e. They gave me magnesium, and the nurse told me it might affect my milk supply, but it would still come in.
    After my son was born, I nursed. I spoke with the lactation consultant in the hospital and she worked with me. Only 1 breast was producing milk, and very little. They had me add formula thru a syringe to keep him hydrated and gave me a manual pump to help up my supply. I went home still doing all this.
    When I got home it got worse. I was making even less colostrum in the 1 breast that was producing. I had no support from anyone, and was told over and over, just give him formula, he'll be fine, etc. I kept adding formula, but was still trying to BF. After about a week, I still had no milk,no engorgement, nothing and when I would pump an hour in I had about 1 pinky full of milk off 1 breast. I tried everything that I could think of, and after about 3 more weeks, we went to formula.
    I was severly depressed about it, and went on meds. I felt a little better.
    My son is now 11 months old. I am beginning to feel worse and worse again, esp after watching the breastfeeding show on House of Babies last week. I look at people I know and think, they are nursing, why couldn't I? What did I do to not be able to nourish my own flesh and blood. I must be a bad mother.
    Now that we are tossing around the idea of another baby, I am more scared about Bf-ing than anything. What if the same thing happens? What if I DO breastfeed, will my oldest think I didn't love him as much because he got formula?
    I am so depressed, someone please help me. Tell me what happend and what to do next time so this doesn't happen again. I feel so empty and let down that I couldn't do this one natural great thing.

    Thank You

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2006

    Default Re: I need emotional support

    You are NOT a bad Mama!!! It sounds like you did the best you could with the resources you had!!
    If you have another baby, you may not end up needing induction which sounds like the bulk of your problem. I don't know a lot about mag. affecting supply, etc but maybe you won't have the same issue again.
    A good friend of mine had issues BFing her first; she didn't have support, didn't know what she was doing, and her DS didn't want to latch on. I can't remember all the details of why he wouldn't/couldn't latch well, but she eventually gave in and he was formula fed completely. She was successful BFing her second DS for 15 months!! Her first is a sweet boy who knows he is loved and never held it agains his brother that he was nursed. They have a pretty great relationship, as siblings go. So don't put so much pressure on yourself, dear!!!! If you are serious about giving BFing a shot a second time around, you have a great source of support for problems you may encounter right here. You can get involved with a local LLL group (that what I did, and the ONLY reason I made it with my DS; he didn't nurse for 10 long weeks and those wonderful ladies totally turned things around for us). It's amazing how much easier it is to persevere when you are not fighting a battle by yourself. So lean on others who have gone before, don't beat yourself up over things you cannot change, and look forward to trying again.
    Keep your chin up!!!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2006

    Default Re: I need emotional support

    I hope that my story will help you--please feel free to PM me if you need anything!!

    I had my DS in June of 2004, and had planned on EBF for 1 year. My son was born at 39 weeks exactly, but had latch issues and was a lazy sucker from day 1. I did take a BF class through the hospital that I delivered at, but it was totally inadequate and sugar-coated everything!! They only glazed over the idea of growth spurts, so when DS was 3 weeks old and crying every 30 minutes, I had my grandmother, mom, aunt, and everyone else w/an opinion telling me that I wasn't making enough milk and I just needed to give him formula because I was starving him to death--if I wasn't he wouldn't be crying every 30 minutes. (uh, wrong, he was going through a growth spurt and nursing that often was letting my body know that it needed to make more milk!) As a 1st time mother who was terrified of everything, I believed them all when they kept saying that no woman in our family had ever been able to produce enough milk to nurse a baby....I tried pumping (used a Madela PIS) to see how much milk I could get and it was only 1/2 at a time, so I was convinced that they were right. (Truth is, pumping is a learned art, and one that takes time for your body to get used to. I have never used a manual pump, but would think that a double-electric would have been much more effective at extracting the milk.) Fact is--pumps can't come close to emptying your breast as well as the baby does, so how much you can pump is by no means an indication of how much the baby is getting when they nurse. DS went onto formula from 3 weeks on and is a perfectly happy, healthy 2 1/2 year old boy.

    By Contrast--when I found out I was pg for DD, I started coming to this site when I was 3 1/2 mos pg, and attending LLL meetings when I was 6 months pg. (With DS the idea had entered my mind, but my uneducates, but very opinionated mother told me that LLL was like a cult--I find this even more laughable now!!!) I told myself that no matter how bad it got, I was going to nurse for at least 1 year. I bought a new pump (sold the old one when I "failed" the first time, out of complete disgust), slings, bottles, breast pads, freezer bags, the whole 9 yards. I told everyone in my family (DH included) that I WOULD succeed this time, there was just no other option. DD was born on July 7 at 7 pounds 14 oz....she is now 5 months old and nearly 20 pounds. In her 5 months she has had a grand total of 4 oz of formula (the babysitter ran out of EBM and didn't feel like water was a viable option). She will not accept formula at all anymore--and interestingly enough--I have been dealing w/oversupply and OALD the entire time. I have been nursing her for 5 months, and have yet to sleep w/o a bra or go to work w/o pads because I have even leaked through Lansinoh pads which seem to hold a quart of milk.....(not really, but that's what they feel like with as thick and heavy as they get).

    My only advice is to read, study, trust your body, and just refuse to accept anything less than what you want. It has worked for me this time--She still hasn't even started food yet because my BM is enough. (DS stated cereal at 4 mos because he was so hungry all the time on formula.)

    If anyone in your family tries to gently sabatoge you (that's what I call the canned response of, "well, at least you tried, it's okay if you quit.") I told my mom one time not to call me if her only agenda was to convince me to quit nursing because that wasn't going to happen. I even told the nurse at 2:30 in the morning on our last night in the hospital that I would by no means give my daughter a bottle. She was adamant because DD had lost 10% of her birth weight, but I still refuse--told her we would use an SNS, but nothing else. Know your right, learn how BF works, and stand up for yourself and trust your body! You can do this--God made you to do it!!!
    Wife to Barney
    Mommy to Justin Reed
    Mommy to Ada Grace (7-7-06) 7 lbs 14 oz, 20 lbs 14 oz at 1 year

    Our little Angel, Henry James, grew his wings December 14, 2007

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Western PA

    Default Re: I need emotional support

    Your post made me so sad! You are NOT a bad mother. In fact, you sound like a great mom who puts a lot of thought into providing the best for your children. You did your best with no support system. Yes, breastfeeding is natural, but it is NOT easy. If my mom hadn't visited for a week following DS's birth and basically shown me how to breastfeed, I probably would not have been able to do it either, and, like you, I always wanted to!

    The first and most important thing for you to do is to let go of all the guilt from not being able to BF your son. Just let it go. You love your son and want the best for him, and that is what counts. We are fortunate to live in a time when, even if Mommy is unwilling or unable to BF, babies can still thrive on formula; sure, breast is best, but the most important thing is helping your baby grow up healthy and strong *to the best of your ability* and you did that. Just look into your son's eyes and see the love he has for you, and let all the sadness go.

    When you have your next baby, you know going in that you will need more help. You can contact your local LLL leader, and get help from the LCs in the hospital. You could also check if there is a free BF'ing helpline in your area - we have one here that is sponsored by the county.

    You might also consider a midwife or doula who supports breastfeeding and can be present with you for the birth of your next baby; they can act as your advocate and help keep up your confidence if you run into early difficulties. I have read that less than 3% of women are actually unable to breastfeed their babies, but LOTS of women run into problems that they need help overcoming (just look around this site!).

    There are other moms on this site who did not BF their first child, but are BF'ing their second. I bet they would all tell you that their first child is doing fine, and does not feel unloved because Mommy is breastfeeding the second baby. You will continually find new ways to bond with all your children, and breastfeeding is only *one* of those experiences.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you!
    Erin - Hayden James is my beautiful boy - we've been nursing happily for two years, with no end in sight!

    Change the language, change the reality.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Not around here as much :(

    Default Re: I need emotional support

    Hi there mama! welcome to the LLL boards... so glad you found us!!

    I wanted to ask a question regarding the preeclampsia... do you know why you had it? ask the doc as to why and there are ways to try and prevent it from happening again...that way your second shot at breastfeeding will have a great start!!

    you're not a bad mama!
    Click here to find an LLL leader near you...or call 1 877 4 LA LECHE for help now.

    "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
    Eleanor Roosevelt

    "Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

    Ban the bags. ......... Watch your language. ....... Help keep Dr Newman's clinic open!

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    I lost 22 lbs in 8 months... with a bit of determination and common sense information from this book.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Oct 2006

    Default Re: I need emotional support

    I just wanted to let you know that I tried and tried, but did not succeed, in breastfeeding BOTH of my daughters. But with my new Son, we made it! Each pregnancy and birth is different, with different circumstances, and each baby is different when it comes to how well they latch and how alert they are to nurse. You are not a bad Mother. I refuse to think that way about you or myself or anyone else that ends up formula feeding. And your Son will not think twice about what he did or did not eat as a baby, trust me on this.
    How we feed our children is not as important as how we love them and treat them on a daily basis. Please stop being hard on yourself. Good luck

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Nov 2006

    Default Re: I need emotional support

    OMG, your story sounds identical to mine! I was induced at 38 weeks because of pre-ecclampsia. I too got magnesium (which I later on found out delays your milk production). My baby girl had jaundice and so they told me to give her formula to flush out the bilirubin. she never learned to latch correctly, and when my milk did come in, I never produced enough. After trying everything (fenugreek, supplemental nursing system) with the help of lactation consultants, I gave up and became an exclusive pumper for 3 months until I gave that up too. I too shed many, many tears over this. I never intended to give my daughter formula, and I felt really cheated.

    so fast forward to baby #2. I came to the hospital armed with information! Baby #2 also arrived two weeks early (no toxemia though-yay!) and also had jaundice. This time I knew he didn't need to get formula. No bottles and no pacifiers. He was on my breast every two hours like a swiss clock and then-voila!-my milk came in on day 3. His bili count immediately started to go down (he also was spending a lot of time under the bili lights) and we both checked out of the hospital healthy and happy. 7 months later we are still successfully breastfeeding.

    It breaks my heart to hear stories like yours! I really hate to see the same story repeating itself. I too was freaked out that I wouldn't produce enough milk for my boy, so I took him to a lactation clinic at my hospital. they weighed him before I nursed him and then after. That put my mind to ease that I was producing enough.

    You can do it! You really can! You just have to stick to your guns and come armed with lots of information.

  8. #8
    marie1965's Avatar
    marie1965 is offline Shares Widely And Frequently
    Join Date
    Aug 2006

    Default Re: I need emotional support

    You've gotten some great advice and real life stories about how each baby is different, so you have every chance to hope things will be better for breastfeeding this next time around. But if, for some reason, things don't go as planned this time, it'll be okay. Your main concern should be with feeding the baby, whatever the best way is for that baby.

    Doing what is best for your babies, case by case and day by day, is the most important part of being a mother. Your older son will not feel any less loved because the breastfeeding didn't work out. He was fed and loved, he thrived and grew, and is a happy boy.

    This forum is a great resource and will help you a lot when you try nursing your next child. I wish I'd had it in the first few months of this last baby. I was tempted to give up thinking things weren't going right.

    Just follow your heart and do what you feel is best for your baby; you will be fine.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2006

    Default Re: I need emotional support

    Quote Originally Posted by justin's mama View Post
    My only advice is to read, study, trust your body, and just refuse to accept anything less than what you want. It has worked for me this time--She still hasn't even started food yet because my BM is enough. (DS stated cereal at 4 mos because he was so hungry all the time on formula.)
    Couldn't be said any better! Trust!!!! Can't say it enough! It's your body so stayed determined. You have found so much support here! Good luck....my heart goes out to you for coming here and sharing your sorrows!

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 2006

    Default Re: I need emotional support

    I thank god I was able to find this forum. I feel like a weight has been lifted.

    I don't know why I got pre-e, my bp was fine all along, then suddenly I started swelling really bad, my bp was like 170/110 and I had protein in my urine, so they admitted me. I think it had something to do with my weight, I am 5'10 and was 229 when I gave birth I need to lose weight now so that I can help that not happen again. I am 188 now.

    There was a great lactation consultant at my hospital, but there were too many people for her to spend alot of 1/1 time with me. I live in a small town, that is known for having a high hispanic ratio due to farming, in south Ga. I don't even think we have a LLL chapter here, people don't even know what it is I bet lol! But at least I have online for support.

    I feel so much better now. I felt like that was the only reason (well and weight) keeping me from wanting a second baby and now I feel tons better.

    Thank You everyone!

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