I went in for a 36 week doctor's appointment and found out my blood pressure was through the roof, after a few hours of monitering and an ultra sound that revealed my daughter was only measuring at 32 weeks I was told I was having a baby that day. Pre eclampsia and inter uterine growth retardation (IUGR) were the culprits. My baby's heart rate would drop with each contraction so suddenly I was being wheeled in for a c section. At 5:09 my beautiful little 3 lb 7 oz baby girl came screaming into the world and it was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. Because of her size her daddy and I got to hold her for just a minute before she was wisked away to the NICU.
So there I was, sick in bed with my newborn off in the NICU in an incubator. They brought a pump on and I started trying to get my milk to come in. There was a break down 2 days in, I still hadn't gotten to hold my daughter again since that first day and I felt like a failure. Logically I knew it would take time for the milk to come but I couldn't hold my baby when she cried, I couldn't make her better, I couldn't do anything but try to supply her with what I knew she needed and it just wasn't working. I cried years of joy when I got 8mls the next day and carried that small amount down to the NICU like it was a priceless treasure. Over the next few days it got to where I was pumping 70mls each time and I felt like I was finally doing something right.
After ten days, 4 ozs gained, 24 hours without an OG tube, and two nights in a regular bassinet with her temperature maintained we were able to go home. She was so so small I was terrified, but with a hospital grade pump in hand home we went. See, the pump was necessary because we have to fortify the breast milk at each feeding to add desperately needed calories, and will have to continue to fortify it for up to a year. I had 6 frozen bottles of milk, 3 refrigerated bottles, and the confidence I would continue pumping the same amount, except after a day I wasn't. My stash I accumulated started getting used and instead of the 2ozs she needed every two hours I was only getting 1-1 1/2 oz at the most each time I pumped.
She's so do small and I know how much good the breastmilk will be for her as a preemie but I'm nearly out. I'm pumping every 2 hours but I just can't keep up with her needs and it's killing me. I keep hoping it's just a slow patch and the next day it will be better and I look down and there is no where near enough milk in the bottle. I've been trying the different foods and have started the fenugreek but I just feel like a failure. All the searches I've done keep talking about nursing and I can't do that either and it just sucks. Everyone tells me not to stress, that I'm making it worse by freaking out but it's this vicious cycle I just can't get out of. Add in new mom exhaustion into the cycle of stress and the fact I spilled an oz today and I just can't help but cry. I know if I have to add a couple of bottles of formula into the mix it will not be the end of the world, I know the bottom line is getting her enough food to gain weight and be a healthy baby, but I also know how healthy breast milk is for baby.