A year in review

[@llli*alilwest]

I made it to a year, with no end in sight. I didnt think i would... and it wasnt pretty, but we made it. So, I thought I would feel overwhelmed with satisfaction, but I don't. I thought I would feel proud of myself, but I don't. I struggled with supply and a little boy who was literally, no exaggeration, latched on more than he wasnt. If I got home from work around 430pm, he would be latched for all but about 1/2 hour until 9-930 for the first six months. We struggled... it was literally my entire life... With minimal weight gain. I had read that pierced nipples wouldn't affect nursing, and didnt give it a second thought, since I had been pierced. Twice. Once horizontally and once vertically. Well, I've read recently that piercings can actually block ducts, therefore limiting the amount of milk that can be extracted. I think this is what happened to me. When I thought I had clogged ducts at the beginning, I now feel fairly confident that they were glands that weren't draining. There were a lot of small ones on the left side and at least one large one on the right side. I believe this also made it difficult for my son to get the milk out. Anyhow, I'm glad that I stuck with it and did what I could, but I also have tremendous sadness. And regret. What on earth would possess me to get pierced... Twice?

[@llli*mommal]

Mama, please don't beat yourself up, and don't let the sadness that came with your struggle eat up the pride you should feel at achieving all you did.

The things we do in our youth, for fun, for vanity, for no real reason at all- we need to forgive ourselves for those things even when they seem wrong in retrospect. Believe me, I know.

[@llli*auderey]

and it really is no small accomplishment that you made it a year, with all you went through!

i have really big boobs. my mom once (out of the blue) offered to pay for a reduction. at the time i had NO IDEA that that would have likely impacted breastfeeding ... it just wasn't on my radar at all. i'm so glad i scoffed at her! but i easily could have had it done and would've been in a similar boat.

[@llli*alilwest]

thanks, ladies. You both have been there since day one, and i appreciate your help. Id be lying if I didn't say that there's some comfort in knowing that my body was doing what it was supposed to do and had those scars not been there everything would have been a little smoother. I don't know why that's comforting. I guess I don't feel like my body was failing me... like i thought. It's just the consequence of being a stupid young girl. I still get my cuddle time with my little guy, and wouldn't trade that for anything. He enjoys nursing and I can enjoy it a lot more now that it doesn't feel like a full time job. I guess it is quite a feat considering i wasn't operating with a full deck, but it still hurts. Hearing my friends talk about the nursing relationships they have with their little ones opens up that wound. I think part of it, too, is that it won't be different if i had another kid. It's a loss. I know i won't get it. Its not a lack of desire. And, i feel all this knowing that I'm very lucky that i was able to conceive in the first place. I have to stop writing, as I'm at work and crying. thanks again, ladies. You are the best.

[@llli*mommal]

I totally get it, mama. I have never quite gotten over the awful ride I had nursing my first baby, and I still wonder if maybe I would be a better mother to her today if the first few months hasn't been so incredibly stressful. I just try to remind myself that I did the best I could with the cards I was dealt.

One thing to keep in mind is that your first nursing experience does not necessarily have much to say about your second. I had low supply with my first, and crazy oversupply with my second. If your body goes through another round of hormone-induced breast changes, there's no telling what nursing could be like the next time.

[@llli*filmmommy]

I think it's important that you discovered that piercing did seem to have an impact, so you can help other moms-to-be by sharing your experience. I think spreading word about things like that is extremely helpful. You managed to breastfeed successfully, which is great! But sometimes someone telling me, "Hey, I did that and wish I wouldn't have..." would be enough to make me reconsider, even if something like breastfeeding was far from a concern.

[@llli*alilwest]

BTW- Auderey. That's cool that even though breastfeeding wasn't WHY you chose to not get the reduction, it's cool that you're on the other side of this coin.

And, filmmommy, you're right. I plan on sharing my experience to help people avoid the same problem. I really think the problem is the fact that i had it done twice, and in opposite directions, as I know quite a few girls that had piercings that went on to nurse just fine. BUT... having said all that.... women should know potential consequences beforehand. It's unfortunate, though, that women won't really understand the meaningfulness, beauty and importance of breastfeeding or how much they'll want to do it until down the road when they're actually pregnant. But it can't hurt to share my experience.

I finally stumbled across a thought in my mind that's helping me cope a little better. im not flawed. i made more milk, but couldn't get it out, therefore my body stopped refilling those glands. I remember pumping and nursing like crazy at the beginning when my milk first came in and it not relieving the pain from the engorgement... again, i thought it was blocked ducts. the problem was my scars. not me. i wish i had been a little more forgiving of myself, but i did what i could.

[@llli*auderey]

i wish i had been a little more forgiving of myself, but i did what i could.

wise words for us all!!!

[@llli*alilwest]

With subsequent pregnancies, (hypothetically, since DH says we're done now with two), could my nipples actually grow new openings to allow more milk to come out? I know they do all kinds of cool stuff during pregnancy

[@llli*mommal]

IDK if new openings could form, but you could see a reduction in scar tissue- scars fade with time, after all- and also an increase in production in the parts of the breast that are able to drain freely.