I had a horrible birth experience due to bully nurses and lack of support. My son was drinking formula before we even left the hospital after my c-section. I had intended to EBF for two years. By the time he was 2 months old, I was barely getting him an ounce or two pumped. By the time he was 3 months, I had given up and he was 100% formula fed. I was terribly depressed about it. When he was about 7 months old, I decided that maybe I could try again. I met with a lactation consultant at the local hospital. She was very eager to help me and support me until the part in the conversation where she learned that my son was 7 months old and not the 3 months old that she thought by mistake. I got an electric pump and tried half-heartedly for a few days. I was living with my in laws at the time while we waited for our rental to be ready and had zero privacy, so that was part of it. Most of it was no longer feeling hopeful about it. It was getting to hard to be sad all of the time and it was taking away from my son. He just turned a year old. I'm still heartbroken about not breastfeeding and I still don't feel right about not doing it. I feel like I should still be. I don't mean that I feel guilty or I feel pressured by outside sources. I feel, deep inside, instinctively I guess, that I should be giving him breast milk still.
I mentioned it to my husband and he pointed out that I didn't get anything out when I tried pumping a few months ago. That's all he said. I think he doesn't want me to try again and be upset by failing. I think he thinks I will fail.
I have PCOS. I lost 30 before I got pregnant. I think that's how I got pregnant, actually. During my pregnancy I lost another 20. While living with the inlaws and depending on them for groceries, I gained 30. I'm currently working on losing it again, but it's a slow process. I'm eating fairly low carb so that I don't have to take diabetic (type 2) meds and it's working great. I fear that, on top of being so overweight and probably dealing more with the PCOS again will make it impossible to relactate.
At this point I don't know if it will do more harm than good to try. All I know is, like I said before, it just doesn't feel right. I feel like something is missing. I feel like I forgot to do something big. And I know that it's because I'm not giving my son something that my body wants to give him.
Should I just find a way to make peace with it and move on? Is it so unlikely that I won't be able to relactate again given that I didn't do very well in the first place?
I don't feel comfortable meeting with a consultant. I know that would be the best step for most people, but for me it just makes me uncomfortable and nervous and I end up not being honest with them anyhow.