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Thread: No longer a balanced partnership...

  1. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    240

    Default Re: No longer a balanced partnership...

    It really sounds like you have tried it all, and it is obvious you are giving all. I have no answer except to let you know you are not alone out there, and perhaps it is a comfort.

    While I have certainly not had a situaiton like this with my son at the extent you describe, we have had and continue to have some very challenging family issues in the past year or so, resulting in super clinginess and crankyness combined with high level of agression at times, almost pushing me over the brink in not being able to meet his emotional need, making me feel I am failing him in some way, not able to alleviate his anxiety.

    What does help us is that I whisper to him in his sleep, I tell him that I love him, several times over as he sleeps, and I tell him he is ok the way he is. Especially I do this after particularly horrible evenings or a day when all I feel is drained by his need and i feel used.
    It sounds weird but it helps a lot: he visible relaxes in his sleep and the next day he wakes less cranky than usual. I think this way he can actually receive and take in the affirmation that he is ok, and not at fault, and that none of the stuff causing him such anxiety and happening around him is his fault.

    The idea comes from a website i found when desperate for help but I don't really agree with a number of the things there, most importantly some of the things one is supposed to say to the sleeping child sound creepy, but the principle itself which is assuring the child of your love works well for us. I also started to make it a point to tell him often when he is awake and in situations I find particularly exasparating that I love him and cuddle him - instead of directly responding to the demand (but only if I can manage sincerity) and it seems to help him be less clingy or agressive. He makes no verbal repsonse but I can see his shoulders relax and jaw unclench. He is older than your child (4 3/4) but I sometimes whish I had done it when he was younger already.

    Also, I agree with alphawoman - be careful in the choice of professional if you do seek medical or other professional help, or also if choosing alternative methods. Especially when it comes to bf a toddler, so often bf is blamed for a child's behaviour by those unfamilliar with the concept of extended bf. Children are so easily labelled and it is not always helpful or good. I agree also very much with meg - two years is a young age.

    I hope you find some solution which works for you both.

    Last edited by @llli*mammi; July 16th, 2013 at 03:20 AM.

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Apr 2013
    Location
    Salt Lake City
    Posts
    86

    Default Re: No longer a balanced partnership...

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*gatacelta View Post
    A story of hope, perhaps: we took her to a family party and there was a 21-yr old boy who saw her and made a deep internal connection. He said "She's hiding in there and no one can see her. I was the exact same kid." He got her to open up so completely she just followed him around like a puppy, sitting on his lap and giving him kisses, all of which was unheard of apart from myself and Daddy. She's not even that close with her sister. Maybe it takes the right kind of bonds to help bring her out of her shell...
    I've been following along and this made me cry. I can empathize with being lost inside myself and overwhelmed by the world. It's encouraging that the right kind of attention helped her to open up and it's wonderful that you recognize it!

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*zaynethepain View Post
    The book emphasizes ways to rethink traits in a positive manner. The disturbing meltdowns becomes extreme tenacity. You can be assured no one will push your daughter around as an adult!!
    This is how I view my younger twin. Her meltdowns can be terrifying, and she's only 4 months old! But I know she'll stop at nothing to get what she wants for herself out of life, and I can't wait to see what she can accomplish.

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