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Thread: Don't know how I'm going to make it

  1. #1
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    Jan 2011
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    Default Don't know how I'm going to make it

    I write here all the time. Perhaps too much. I just never know what to do. Now is no different.

    My DS is 7.5mo old. We've struggled with weight gain and supply since the first week. If I use my pump output from work as an estimate of what i make throughout the day, my supply is average. About 2.75-3.25oz every 2 hours. DS gets solids twice a day while at daycare, and maybe once a day on the weekends with me. Without considering how much he eats when we cosleep, he eats 9 times per day. He SEEMS to be gaining the average amt now... but I'm sure I just cursed myself. I find that several times each day I find myself dreading the next 4.5 months.. at which time he'll be one and i can stop worrying about supply. I just cant imagine continuing this. I LOVE nursing him. I LOVE cuddling. But, I'm sick of stressing about it. I'm sick of feeling so anchored down. I'm sick of daycare leaving me slips of average solid food intake for babies his age (the last one was thrown out in front of the manager) because they claim DS is starving. Things have never been consistent or normal enough to just go with the flow. I stressed about how long we'd go at night without nursing.. so much that we just went back to cosleeping. NOW, I stress about whether or not he nurses enough when we cosleep to maintain supply and to gain weight. I stress about pump output while at work, that he nurses long enough to really get a sufficient amt of milk when we're together (he's REALLY distractable these days), if he's eating so much solids that he's going to start nursing less. I stress about if he's spending so much time nursing that he isn't being given enough time to work on additional developmental behaviors, like crawling. Also, my husband has not explicitly voiced any desire for me to stop, he is sick of breastfeeding interfering with life as we knew it... i.e. having to nurse while we're out running errands, having to stay home for a while so i can nurse before we leave, being constantly tired because i have to feed DS in the middle of the night, me refusing to go on the mini pill for fear that it would hurt my supply (we've yet to do the deed since DS was born on Aug 14th). On top of all that, I've gained weight since I had my 6 week postpartum doc appt. I don't have time to do any exercise. I'm just burned out. I want to make it. I really want to make it. I just don't know if I can keep it up. I'm running out of fuel. I never really get any alone time, either, as my husband just took a huge paycut and has to work a ton, he goes to night school, and, most impoartantly, I never let people watch DS (besides daycare)because EVERYONE wants to overfeed him. He never seems satisfied.

    I just want to relax. I've read here on many posts that breastfeeding gets to be so easy... but that's just ot my experience. I want to just get up and go. I don't want to worry, and never get good sleep, and constantly go to battle with daycare and my husband... and never get alone time because i don't trust people....

  2. #2
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    Apr 2010
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    Default Re: Don't know how I'm going to make it

    I just read your post and thought you were telling my story!! Welcome to the world of a working/breast feeding/co-sleeping mom!! This is my second go around since I have two boys, one is three (BF for 17 months) and DS2 is 6 months. I am an older mom as well and don't have the same energy as a younger mom. My husband, though us vet supportive of BFing so I fe bad for you on that one. Listen- BFing is hard especially if you are working!! I KNOW!! My husband lost hos job two months ago and I have been back at work full time since. It ain't easy and I'm tired and stressed. There is no alone time (but we gave hat up when we became patents not when we decided to BF). Life is hard, BFing is hard, raising children is no walk in the park. Oprah once says the definition of stress is wanting things to be different than what they are. What you resist persists. Girlfriend I am not about to quit and you should not either. Time goes by so fast. DS1 is already three and I made it. Over 6 months has already gone by for you. Stick with it, you won't regret it. Sex will happen again, alone will come again. SURRENDER to what is. You are doing great.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Don't know how I'm going to make it

    Sorry for all the typos!!! I meant to say my husband IS very supportive of me BFing....

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Don't know how I'm going to make it

    mama. It sounds like you are really are reaching the end of your rope. Self-doubt is awful, in and of itself, nevermind when other people are jumping on the bandwagon! That said, I'm going to jump in with a bit of a reality check for you, your husband, and your daycare provider. Feel free to take it or leave it, and either way, please don't take it as criticism, because it's not!

    First off, nursing is not 'so easy' even once all the kinks are worked out. My DD is the same age, and she's distractible a lot of the time, and fusses at the breast many times a day. For your husband, does he not think that you'd ever have to stop and feed the baby formula if you went that route? Does he think that all night-waking would stop? Cause I'm pretty sure it wouldn't, and you'd still be tired!

    As for your DCP. Ugh. I think a discussion with the manager is in order. Tell them in no uncertain terms that you are not to be given any more parenting advice in terms of his food. YOU are the employer, paying them to look after your child as you see fit. Say that his doctor is fine with his weight gain and diet. The END. And if they continue to hound you, maybe look at other options for daycare, if possible.

    Lastly...I think maybe you need to reconnect with your husband. Not having sex at all for 7 and a half months is really, really long, and can really raise tensions and lead to resentments. Are you open to other forms of birth control like condoms or a diaphragm? I think you also need to talk to him about scheduling some 'me' time, even if it's just a bubble bath once a week! You need to take care of you too!

    As for the exercise thing/babysitter issue - could you have someone come over to watch him while you do a workout dvd? That way you'd be right there if he needed to nurse...

    Like I said, just my two cents. If this was just a rant to blow off some steam, then feel free to ignore it!

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Don't know how I'm going to make it

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*alilwest View Post
    I'm just burned out. I want to make it. I really want to make it.
    If you want to make it quit fantasizing about giving up. Accept if for what it is. A very very SHORT time in your life as a parent where you sacrifice yourself to give YOUR BABY the best possible start. That is all it is. A drop in the bucket in terms of sacrifices you WILL make. And a grain of sand in terms of time in relationship to your life and marriage. A year. One measly year of your WHOLE LIFE. Accept it.
    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*alilwest
    I just want to relax. I've read here on many posts that breastfeeding gets to be so easy... but that's just ot my experience. I want to just get up and go. I don't want to worry, and never get good sleep, and constantly go to battle with daycare and my husband... and never get alone time because i don't trust people....
    Don't take this the wrong way, but unless pregnancy has caused you to have a complete personality change (Which I know it hasn't based on the reasons you weaned your daughter) that isn't who you are. It's just adding to your stress. You worry. To the point of anxiety. So expecting THIS experience to be different than the rest of your life is puzzling. It's important. It deserves to be focused on. It deserves to be protected. Stop wishing it was something it wasn't. It's hard work. That's really important to protecting and enhancing the health of your child. It's time consuming. But you swore if you COULD provide enough milk for your baby like every one else who was so unfairly blessed with the ability to do it you would. Well you do. It's not a cake walk for anyone. Some of us just DO possess the ability to go with the flow. To NOT freak out about weight gain or getting up a million time a night or solid food. So it seems easier to you. But it's not. Do the work. It' s 4.5 more months. It's NOTHING.
    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*happy.mom303 View Post
    Stick with it, you won't regret it. Sex will happen again, alone will come again. SURRENDER to what is. You are doing great.
    This. Exactly.

    Way too lazy for formula

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Don't know how I'm going to make it

    also, i am really concerned about the high level of anxiety and stress you have in your life. i think THAT is really your biggest challenge, not breastfeeding. have you considered talking to a therapist? i think it might really help you get that anxiety tamped down a little.

    my mom suffers from acute anxiety (her whole life) and the way i hear you talking is how i hear her talking. working herself into a panic and frenzy that prevents her from doing anything, and that paralyzes her. completely irrational, and therefore completely impossible to just talk oneself out of. therapy, and some very low dose anxiety medication, have done wonders for her.
    DS1 6/7/11
    DS2 10/29/13

    Nursing, pumping, cloth-diapering, babywearing, working professor mama with the awesomest SAHD ever.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Don't know how I'm going to make it

    I feel like I was in your boat to a lesser degree, but maybe can help you adjust your thinking a bit -- I think you're in a rut, which is an easy place to get stuck. I had a hard time in the beginning, as well, and was given bad advice and found little support or help near me. I think what was hardest on me was that I hate being obsessive about things. I like having a variety of interests and try to keep things balanced in my life. But I really felt for a while like I HAD to be obsessed with breastfeeding. It was somewhat all-consuming, especially the first 6 months or so, in that it's always in the back of your mind even when you're not doing it. Every time my family (non-BF people) would visit, they would comment about how I was always BFing and worrying about it and planning our schedule around it. But I think right around 9 months or so, I started realized (or making myself realize), "Hey, she's not starving. She's not losing weight. If she wants to nurse for 5 minutes, then that's what she does. I can't force her to nurse. It is unlikely that she's going to totally mess breastfeeding up with her occasional brief strikes, and if she does, there's absolutely nothing I can do beyond what I'm doing." So it was annoying when she wouldn't nurse for 6 hours, but I'd suck it up and pump once to make myself feel better. It did get easier right around a year, and now it's like second nature. I've said on here before, I felt like things finally got easy at that point, so I wasn't going to give it up then!

    I don't know your entire history, but were solids interfering with nursing? Because my LO ate a lot of solids at times but it never seemed to make a difference in her nursing. We always nursed first or she drank her EBM first before her solids. Maybe it's okay for your LO to love solids. I don't think that's the daycare's place to decide -- it's your place! But apologies if you've already mentioned it interfered with nursing.

    Sleeping...we're still not doing so well with that, so no advice. But, again, I did start getting used to it. I take naps with my LO on the weekend to try to get some extra rest. If you don't like napping with LO, maybe nap time can be some downtime for you.

    Also, can you get a sitter who's not related to you for occasional alone time or nights out? I know it would cost money, but might be worth it once in a while to get a few things done. The thing with the sitter is that if you get a good one, they will want to make you happy -- so you can dictate all the rules. I think with family and even daycare, they often think they need to tell you how to raise your kid. We have a nanny who's young, but we preferred that because she wanted to do things the way we wanted.

    Also, I've never done it, but I have a few friends who joined gyms just so they could have some alone time -- they never exercised before but wanted the child care offered by the facility! If you can join a gym it might be a nice way to get some mommy time exercise. You'd just have to feel like you trust the people at the child care. I exercise during my lunch break, but not everyone can do that. Also, jogging strollers, walking...they're all possibilities, even though it's hard to find the time. There's even Stroller Strides, which are exercise groups for mommies.

    Condoms are perfectly fine...your DH needs to compromise on birth control. The hormones could cause you other problems besides low supply, as well (emotion swings, which won't help).

    I think if you just gave up now, you'd regret it and feel like you threw in the towel too early.
    Mom to my sweet little "Pooper," born 10/12/11, and "Baby Brother," born 6/23/2014, and married to heavy metal husband. Working more than full-time, making healthy vegetarian meals for family, and trying to keep up with exercise routine.

  8. #8
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    Mar 2013
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    Default Re: Don't know how I'm going to make it

    Nursing is definitely not easy for me at times as well, this is my first time out although it's my second child. Your story and mine have a lot in common! My LO really only likes to nurse lying down, so fitting that into a day of running errands and outings is rough! But, we make it work. I feel exactly how you do sometimes, like it's a constant worry about how much weight she is gaining, is she getting enough, etc. I think I am only that worried because I'm used to feeding formula from my first daughter, and my new LO is EBF and won't even take a bottle.

    I've read a couple books about BF before I got pregnant this time because I wanted to have a positive nursing experience and give it my all. One book was fantastic, but definitely painted the picture that nursing would be so simple after a few months. My baby still fusses at the breast sometimes, but other times it's all she wants and today I even nursed her to sleep while walking around the community playground with my toddler! Go figure! I felt like a million bucks that she did that and slept for an hour in her baby carrier after.

    The other book I read was much more realistic, in my opinion. I try to remind myself that nursing is 100% biologically normal. End of story. Whatever I'm comparing it to from formula feeding is not. My baby is smart, she knows when she's hungry or full even if I don't. We don't have a schedule at all. It's tough to go from a scheduled day and scheduled feedings, down to exactly how much to feed, to a situation where I simply watch for my baby's cues and respond. But, I know this is normal. That makes me feel a lot better. It's biologically normal. I just keep telling myself that and it helps. I'm going to keep telling myself that when I'm hopefully still nursing her when she's 2 or 3.

    I know it's so hard sometimes. But, you did say you LOVE it. My advice is to try to minimize worry if at all possible. When I stop worrying, I feel better. I try to allow myself that luxury and trust my baby. I can't relate to the DCP situation, but it sounds like you are following baby's lead, what more could you do? It sucks when other people aren't as understanding. I've run into that quite a lot myself. And I agree with whoever said it's a very very short period of your life, the more I think about that, the better I feel and it makes me try to enjoy every moment I have with my little one, knowing she'll be big soon enough!
    and Mama to two little girls

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Don't know how I'm going to make it

    In the first 4 months of being a bf mom I was overwhelmed like you. I have breast constriction...let me tell you what that is... deflated tubular breasts that are unsightly, far apart have flat nipples and huge areolas and worst of all, have less or little mammary tissue when compared to a regular breast. At 21 I had had enough of being told my deformed breast would fill out and I met with a Dr who told me something vague confirming my fears that I had abnormal boobs. I got a great breast augmentation and felt a lot better until....my son was born and the constriction clearly effected my supply. Anyway...at least you didn't have to deal with that... I spent months in hysterics. I got all sorts of bad advice and even my pro breastfeeding family told me to give up. I am stubborn, really stubborn...and I know about good health...I am always researching food and nutrition... so I flipped the doubters a mental 'the bird' and buckled down through the severe nipple trauma due to my son's tongue tie (talk about pain and foreboding with ever feed), got over my hysterics and got a lot of support on here...I have made it to 9.5 months and I am sooooo much happier and calm and fulfilled and confident... even though I only make 14oz a day, I have the help and milk from my supportive donor mom and i feed my baby through an sns. Now we are in a wonderful soothing, caring breastfeeding relationship.

    I am so sorry you are stressing so much...I am like you, I get all bent out of shape when the scale shows anything other than my inflated projection of where my baby should be wieghtwise. I get super edgy and defensive when anyone porposely or inadvertently attacks my breastfeeding relationship or how I am raising and feeding my son. Face it, you are probably a type a, passionate and high strung person like me who wants and needs to hear that you are doing well...but nobody around has the knowledge or brains to encourage you. That's not your fault. YOU ARE DOING SO WELL, SOON YOU'LL LOOK BACK AND SMILE AT WHAT YOU WERE ABLE TO DO...YOU WILL GAIN CONFIDENCE AND PRIDE IN YOURSELF FOR NOT GIVING UP...YOU ARE BEING A GREAT MOM FOR WORKING SO HARD FOR YOUR BABY. nobody can take that away from you and the Morons at daycare who expect all babies to be identical or meet their government standards are just that...Morons with very little understanding. Its likely they mainly care for formula fed kids who cant wait to eat solids so they can stop drinking the super processed fatty liquid cardboard. Your baby knows what real nutrition is and solids aren't as important in your situation. I mean, if you give up, your baby will be drinking formula....you try drinking 5 oz of that crap. Look at some of the ingredients...high fructose corn syrup, sucrose, glucose, modified soy stuff...that's your other option, do you want your baby to be fed processed corn products instead of the wonderful milk you provide?

    You are making enough milk, you just have a lighter baby. He is beginning to be active and that slows weight gain big time. I expected my son Would be huge...he is dead average. Its a little dissapointing because my sisters had huge babies and bragged a lot, but I don't stress anymore because he is beautiful and healthy and very sweet. Stop beating yourself up. Go to a le leche leaugue meeting where you can see others breastfeeding and talk about their experiences. Don't you dare give up because you will always regret if you are like me and you'll likely think about it for a long time to come negatively... take your stressing out energy and pour yourself into complimenting your baby and talking sweetly when you nurse. I didn't really bond with my baby until he was 5 months, I fell in love with him when I stopped stressing out and having meltdowns over every lb he didn't gain fast enough.

    You CAN do it. Nursing is so wonderful...you are being a loving, giving person when you nurse and that's a wonderful way to be for any length of time in your life.
    Last edited by @llli*diymom; April 1st, 2013 at 01:21 PM.
    Long time wannabe Momma. First time actual Momma.

    -candice -

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Don't know how I'm going to make it

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*alilwest View Post
    I write here all the time. Perhaps too much. I just never know what to do. Now is no different.

    My DS is 7.5mo old. We've struggled with weight gain and supply since the first week. If I use my pump output from work as an estimate of what i make throughout the day, my supply is average. About 2.75-3.25oz every 2 hours. DS gets solids twice a day while at daycare, and maybe once a day on the weekends with me. Without considering how much he eats when we cosleep, he eats 9 times per day. He SEEMS to be gaining the average amt now... but I'm sure I just cursed myself. I find that several times each day I find myself dreading the next 4.5 months.. at which time he'll be one and i can stop worrying about supply. I just cant imagine continuing this. I LOVE nursing him. I LOVE cuddling. But, I'm sick of stressing about it. I'm sick of feeling so anchored down. I'm sick of daycare leaving me slips of average solid food intake for babies his age (the last one was thrown out in front of the manager) because they claim DS is starving. Things have never been consistent or normal enough to just go with the flow. I stressed about how long we'd go at night without nursing.. so much that we just went back to cosleeping. NOW, I stress about whether or not he nurses enough when we cosleep to maintain supply and to gain weight. I stress about pump output while at work, that he nurses long enough to really get a sufficient amt of milk when we're together (he's REALLY distractable these days), if he's eating so much solids that he's going to start nursing less. I stress about if he's spending so much time nursing that he isn't being given enough time to work on additional developmental behaviors, like crawling. Also, my husband has not explicitly voiced any desire for me to stop, he is sick of breastfeeding interfering with life as we knew it... i.e. having to nurse while we're out running errands, having to stay home for a while so i can nurse before we leave, being constantly tired because i have to feed DS in the middle of the night, me refusing to go on the mini pill for fear that it would hurt my supply (we've yet to do the deed since DS was born on Aug 14th). On top of all that, I've gained weight since I had my 6 week postpartum doc appt. I don't have time to do any exercise. I'm just burned out. I want to make it. I really want to make it. I just don't know if I can keep it up. I'm running out of fuel. I never really get any alone time, either, as my husband just took a huge paycut and has to work a ton, he goes to night school, and, most impoartantly, I never let people watch DS (besides daycare)because EVERYONE wants to overfeed him. He never seems satisfied.

    I just want to relax. I've read here on many posts that breastfeeding gets to be so easy... but that's just ot my experience. I want to just get up and go. I don't want to worry, and never get good sleep, and constantly go to battle with daycare and my husband... and never get alone time because i don't trust people....
    So much good advice, I thought I'd just tackle exercise. I never imagined how challenging it would be to work out as a working full time married mom to an infant, 3 dogs and 2 cats. I actually had no conception of the time an infant requires, especially when you're committed to EBF. I have been a dedicated athlete, swimming, running, Spinning instructor, gym junkie, right up to and through my pregnancy and I figured it couldn't be that hard to find time. Well it is ridiculously hard, but for my mental and physical well being I must so I set a realistic goal. 20 min a day. That's it. If I get more, great. If I get that 4X a week I celebrate. Here are my tips. 1. The on demand exercise channel on Comcast. Lots of cable providers have this. 100s of workouts and many just 10 or 20 min. 2. YouTube/Vimeo. I've found some good yoga and I've bookmarked it. 3. DVD workouts. Again, if I can do it at home I have a better chance of getting it done. 4. Walks with DD, either in the stroller or wearing her in a carrier. This is more likely to happen on weekends but I can get an hour sometimes and my neighborhood is hilly so I actually get my HR up.

    Ok now what about juggling her needs and mine? We set up a tv, cable box, Apple TV and DVD player in the nursery. After I nurse DD in the morning I can put her in her exersaucer and we 'work out' together. I talk to her the whole time whether counting my reps, singing the lyrics to background music, etc. Remember it's just 20 min. I can squeeze it in. She loves jumping up and down and watching me and it alleviates my guilt of giving up time w/her that I don't want to.

    P.S. maybe if you go to a la Leche league meeting you can source a like minded person to babysit.
    Last edited by @llli*debbers; April 2nd, 2013 at 05:30 AM.
    1st time mom over 40 to Alex(andra) b: 7/14/12

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