I had a thread on here a little while ago talking about some problems i was having with nursing. I'd mentioned things like wanting to vomit when I nursed, feelings of disgust, etc. I've been working with a therapist and she's been immensely helpful.
There were some things that I think I omitted from my posts about this earlier. Not intentionally, but because the whole thing was so overwhelming that it was hard for me to even articulate what was going on. There was also feelings of anger. I would yell things and not really be conscious of it. Pulling her off and sobbing until I became hoarse. Having this feeling of revulsion if I saw my breast. Sometimes I feel like I'm shoving a penis into her mouth. After several appointments with a therapist, she thinks that what I'm describing are panic attacks. It might be that they're flashbacks to childhood sexual abuse that I may have buried. I've always had this sense that something happened to me, but I don't know for sure what.
She gave me relaxation exercises to work on, affirmations that I can repeat when this starts to happen. She did suggest that I look at weaning her, and I honestly did try to give her formula, but she wouldn't take it. So, we're continuing on. for the most part, I've gotten a lot better at stopping the...episodes...for lack of a better term. It helps if I'm more awake and able to distract myself.
We're only about two weeks out from making it to a year, and she's having her second of two surgeries the week after her birthday. I definitely don't want to wean her or quit nursing before the surgery, as I don't want to significantly change her diet right before that happens. I guess my plan is to wait and see how it goes until then and then look to transition her away from nursing. I know that a lot of people would recommend I keep nursing in my situation, but I really don't enjoy having to fight off so much negativity so often when I go to breastfeed. It's a pretty crappy way to spend your nursing sessions.
So, there you go. Not sure what I'm wanting. I guess just to process.