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Thread: Back for another whinge

  1. #1

    Default Back for another whinge

    I posted a while ago about pressure to give up and got lots of lovely responses.

    I am back again to have another moan because I literally have nobody else to talk to, there is a LLL meeting in my area on the 15th of this month which I am going to but until then I just feel so sad.

    I NEVER talk about feeding my baby as it just provides ammo for family members, I even go into a different room (even in my own home if they are there) to feed her (she is nearly 5 months).

    It all got too much this week as my eldest has been sick and vomited day and night for 5 days, on day 4 of very very little sleep (when my son wasn't being sick, my daughter was feeding from me!) I gave in and asked for help. I got lots of, "if you weren't breast feeding, we could have her". I did point out that if I wasn't feeding her, she probably would have caught it too and even if I wasn't, I wouldn't want my (in my eyes still tiny) baby away from me for any stretch of time. However, it hit a nerve as I felt I wasn't doing the best for my oldest as he couldn't have my undivided attention, likewise, if I was feeding my baby and my son threw up, I had no choice but to leave her screaming while I cleaned him up.

    Today, things kind of reached a peak. I was tucking into my Mother's Day roast dinner and there were very direct comments about my weight. "Even breast feeding isn't going to burn that many calories" "the sooner you stop feeding that baby, the sooner you can shift that weight"

    It really upset me, I am my heaviest ever and for me, breast feeding does certainly not make me lose weight, it makes me starving!!! But this has also struck a nerve as I am determined to try and provide a positive body image to my daughter. I want to be happy with my figure but I also want to carry on feeding her.

    So, as I said when I posted before, I can't say anything to them but I feel like I have to vent somewhere and I felt so much better after coming here last time, I am not usually so self pitying and this kind of post would make me roll my eyes (ie somebody actively seeking people to say nice things to her!).

    I hope I make lots of breast feeding mama friends at my meeting and I won't need to seek solace from strangers on a forum!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    middle of IA
    Posts
    1,885

    Default Re: Back for another whinge

    aw, mama, that sounds rough to have so little support from your family! it sounds like they have some major boundary issues and over-concern (or at least inappropriate expression of concern) over your choices, including your weight. i think that's not ever a very easy position to be in, but for a new mom it can really be tough. i think you are right that breastfeeding your youngest is still the best thing for her, even though it divides your attention from your sick son. the right thing for your family to do to help would be all the things that YOU can't do - any care of your son that he'd allow while sick, plus cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, bringing YOU food and water. those are the things that are helpful for moms, NOT (in general) taking the baby away so mom can do all that ****. i super dislike the very common idea that helpers just hold the baby while mom does all the work. even at 5 months!

    so, practical advice: maybe you can (next time) ask for some very specific help? like, could you please do this load of laundry, or vacuum the carpet, or whatever?

    ps - people on forums don't always stay strangers
    DS1 6/7/11
    DS2 10/29/13

    Nursing, pumping, cloth-diapering, babywearing, working professor mama with the awesomest SAHD ever.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Posts
    256

    Default Re: Back for another whinge

    The comments about your weight sound really mean, mama, though of course they may be well intentioned. I don't have 2 children so I can't relate to you on dividing your attention... That must be really hard. But you ARE doing what's best for both you and the baby. My doctor recently lauded me for continuing to breastfeed past a year because of the significant health benefits it brings me, not just baby! You are doing a great job and I'm sure you'll feel better about things in the next week. Coming off of a week of sickness in the family is rough. You just feel tapped out.

    I found it very hard to limit my food while breast feeding DD that young because I was starving too. However, I am still BFing at 18 months and I'm down 20 lbs now by watching my diet. Give yourself some time and just make the best choices you can and you will get there. Five months postpartum and I want to your relatives for those weight comments.

    I think you're doing great with those two kiddos personally!!
    Lisa

    Mom to Aimee, born 8/22/11
    for 20 months!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    206

    Default Re: Back for another whinge

    Sorry to hear about your family, mama! It would be nice if they realized that their negativity about breastfeeding, not you and your choice to breastfeed, are the problem. I also can't speak to having to divide attention, since I only have one (9 mths old), but I imagine that it would be difficult. I agree that you should suggest, when others express a desire to take the baby from you, that they help you with the older child instead. A little baby needs his/her mama!

    I can, however, relate to the weight comments. My mom keeps saying stuff like, if you eat all that you're going to get fat. I think when DS was around 4-6 months I was always hungry and starving at dinner time especially! I would eat double portions to load up on calories for the night. But I tried to get more protein and healthy calories rather than sugar or carbs. When I woke in the middle of the night to feed him and felt hungry, I would eat a small portion of mixed nuts so the protein would last longer and do more to stabilize the blood sugar than anything really carby. Now since DS is eating 2 meals a day and nursing less, I'm trying not to eat during the nighttime wakings and trying to scale back on my portions and carbs/junk! Funny how my mom criticizes my weight and then always brings me brownies, chips, and other junk food to leave laying around the house. Who can resist chocolate when baby goes down for his afternoon nap? I'm also starting to think about working out. I've never been good at that or disciplining myself, but then again before baby I was tall, thin, and didn't need to worry as much. Now, I've got this stubborn belly fat, and today when I was at Target trying on some clothes I noticed that this striped shirt made me look 3-4 months pregnant. It also doesn't help that one of my boobs is now quite noticeably larger than the other, probably a cup size, which I heard is common with breastfeeding. I guess I need to make an effort to eat better and exercise--but only because it will make ME feel better, not those around me.

    Sorry for the long response, but this forum is also a great place for me to vent and find sympathy and things in common with other mamas. I don't really feel like they are strangers anymore since I see a lot of the same usernames over and over again. And, I bet you will find some awesome bf mamas at the LLL meeting!
    Last edited by @llli*andie613; March 10th, 2013 at 03:22 PM.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    110

    Default Re: Back for another whinge

    I just wanted to say you're doing a great job, no matter what those around you may say. I know how hard it is to have a baby when your older one is throwing up - we went through that in October, and when my husband was out I was nursing 2-month-old baby with one arm and helping 3yo throw up/clean up with the other. There is only so much you can do in a situation like that, and I think you have to go REALLY easy on yourself and remember that a few times of someone crying/waiting isn't going to scar them for life. That's what I remind myself in those little emergencies anyway!

    Hope the meeting is a great support for you - I'm sure it will be

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    21,149

    Default Re: Back for another whinge

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*auderey View Post
    it sounds like they have some major boundary issues and over-concern (or at least inappropriate expression of concern) over your choices, including your weight. i
    "Boundary issues" is putting it mildly! If my family members mouthed off to me like that, I'd probably chase them out of the house with my

    And I am also so that "helping" doesn't mean "we take the baby and have fun playing mommy-for-a-day while you slave away scrubbing toilets and doing dishes."
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Posts
    2,214

    Default Re: Back for another whinge

    Hi mama, feeling like your attention is divided when you have two children is the reality of having more than one kid - and it has nothing to do with breastfeeding! If anything breastfeeding SAVES time because you don't have to mix up the formula, wash the bottles etc.

    I don't even know what to say about the weight comments - geez.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Northern Virginia
    Posts
    576

    Default Re: Back for another whinge

    One thing you have to get out of your mind completely is that your family is going to be accepting of breastfeeding. This seems to be a topic they, like many family members (I have no idea why), are obsessed with criticizing. So that being said, you'll need to now figure out how you want to handle them and handle their comments. Don't worry about what they say as much as how you're going to be prepared to deal with it. If it means you see them less overall, that might be best for you. Or when they start saying something, just grab your kids and leave the room in an very obvious manner. I have had to do that with my in-laws who have very terrible attitudes that I don't want my daughter hearing. Once during one of their tirades, when my MIL was holding my daughter, I went over while she was talking, said, "Can I have her a second?" and left the room, as if I was going to nurse. They don't believe women should nurse in public, so it's always a good excuse for me to vacate.

    The weight comments -- that's just despicable. I have a good friend who's gay and his parents would not accept, and made comments every time he saw them (non-stop). One day, he just yelled, "This topic is off-limits from now on!" and every time they would try to argue, he would interrupt and yell, "Off limits!!" So you may have to try something like that. It's your life, your child, your body. I'm a Scorpio, so I would probably point out things I think they're doing wrong if they drove me batty enough, but that tactic's not for everyone!

    I do think it's great that they're willing to help, but I agree you may have to point out specifically what you want ("I could use some help around the house since I'm busy with the kids"). Then if you praise them (like they're children, yes!) it might improve the situation a little.
    Mom to my sweet little "Pooper," born 10/12/11, and "Baby Brother," born 6/23/2014, and married to heavy metal husband. Working more than full-time, making healthy vegetarian meals for family, and trying to keep up with exercise routine.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    181

    Default Re: Back for another whinge

    Hey mama
    Just ignore those mean comments! Breastfeeding is the best thing for your babies. Maybe you should tell them "if you don't have something positive to say, then don't say anything"

    And I agree with all PPs!!

  10. #10

    Default Re: Back for another whinge

    Hey, don't feel bad having to seek solace from 'strangers'. I swear 99% of my encourage and the right type of information comes from this forum! Many times, even my hubby cannot understand me, and actually scolds me for worrying. A simple 'I understand' goes a long way to comfort me, yet the people closest to me can't do that!
    First of all, you are doing everything right by breastfeeding your baby. I'm starving all the time too and yes I eat more than pre-pregnancy. I once have a friend told me that it's necessary for mothers to be fatter, to make it through the very tough job of caring for children! My Lo is almost 1 and I still have many people asking me from time to time, if I'm pregnant again (I'm not). That's annoying and hard to ignore. I'll just answer 'no, I'm just FAT'. They usually just shut up right there and then.
    Is there a need to meet up with your relatives? If there isn't, is it possible for you not to see them at all? Or ask your husband to deal with them? Don't worry about hurting their feelings because they did not respect yours in the first place. You have 2 young children plus yourself to look after. What some insensitive adults feel is really not important at all!
    Do you have a sling? If not, I suggest you get one because you can nurse in it, hands free. That might give you some space to tend to your older one. Hang in there! You're a good mom and don't let any ignorant people tell you otherwise!

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