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Thread: Finding a Balance

  1. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    COUGARTOWN Baby! From here on in!
    Posts
    17,469

    Default Re: Finding a Balance

    Oh RIGHT. I see that now. Well Mama DO NOT Enable that behavior! Even if he struggles with depression sabotaging your relationship is NOT NORMAL OR OK. That's it. He couldn't carry the baby for you and he can't feed the baby for you either. You are the MAMA. That is just the way it is. A loving supportive partner assists the mother anyway he can. And doesn't refer to himself a a gopher and make it seem like assisting you is somehow trivial. Because feeding the baby is really the most important job you have. And all the assistance you can get doing it from your spouse should be done with absolute love.

    Way too lazy for formula

  2. #12
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    1,501

    Default Re: Finding a Balance

    Starting early on, I would have DS3 latched on to me almost constantly for 2-3 hours before bedtime, cluster feeding. When he was finally full enough and needing to sleep, I would hand him over to DH to hold while I got myself ready for bed. Sometimes DS3 would go right to sleep, and other times he would still be a little fussy and so DH would just hold him and comfort him until he went to sleep.

    We've continued this practice more-or-less for the last ten months. Now, when DS3 is sleepy, there's no one he prefers better than his daddy. That is their special bond.
    ~Sylvia~

    Wife to Nick, m. May 2005

    Mommy to Gabriel (b. January 2007, 8lbs. 15oz.), nursed 18 months.

    Isaac (b. August 2009, 9lbs. 1oz- naturally), nursed 22 months, through PPD/PPA and emergency gallbladder surgery.

    and Corban (b. March 2012, 11lbs. 6Oz.- naturally in the water), my NICU baby, still nursing strong at age 2!


    Daughter of God

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    5,926

    Default Re: Finding a Balance

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*joyxbabe View Post
    Thanks ladies.

    My baby is 4 weeks old.

    Since DH's older kids were FF, he could actively participate in the feeding process. I think this makes it so much harder for him.

    I keep telling myself that this is natural daddy behavior. They must feel left out... I know I would if I were in their shoes. Also, he is not very good at supporting when he is depressed himself. Thankful for the internet to connect me with other support.

    Trying to keep my head up and know that I am doing the best I can for my son.
    Well it sounds as if you have a lot on your plate. You not only have a newborn, but your husband is struggling emotionally. That is really tough! Is he getting any help with that? I know you are not suggesting this but just to back you up-letting him bottle feed the baby is not going to help his depression. I also would not call it natural to sneak bottles behind your back or wish to bottle feed as if that is the only way to bond with a baby-especially this young and when you are trying to wean off supplementing.

    However, this is understandable, imo- if he believes baby is hungry and cannot be satisfied with breastmilk, if he somehow does not 'trust' breastfeeding or breastmilk. Then he is a dad looking out for the best interest of his child, but simply misinformed-and since there are many people, including medical professionals, who are misinformed about breastfeeding, I can hardly blame him for that. I have talked to very well meaning and caring fathers who have struggled with this.

    As far as helping him get familiar and comfortable with breastfeeding-If you have a LLL meeting near you, would your husband consider going? Call the Leader first and make sure it is ok but most Leaders I know welcome dads to meetings. The only issue is when there is another new mom there who is learning to nip and then the dad can go out for a few minutes if necc-but I have never found it necc.
    If a meeting is not possible, maybe a phone conversation with a leader-I have talked to dads on the phone or at home visits who have thier own concerns about breastfeeding...A conversation with a lactation consultant might help as well.

    If he might be more receptive to suggestions from other experienced fathers, you could consider the Dr. Sears book Fathers First Steps or check out the Dr. Sears website www.askdrsears.com

  4. #14
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    362

    Default Re: Finding a Balance

    I am so sorry you are experiencing this momma. I had a similar experience in my DH's attitude with my first. He had 2 children prior that he ff and the youngest of wich he had 90% of the time since he was about 2-3 months old. He felt very left out since he just didn't understand the dynamics of breastfeeding. Educate him!! Will he read books or sites? IF you give him info, will he pay attention to it? IF so, then you are best to get him reading and seeing what "normal" should be like. His "normal" for a baby is much different than what he is now experiencing. Throw in some depression and now you have a dad that feels like he is unable to aid in raising his child.

    I am not sure why feeding the baby is such a hang-up for people. As PP has said, there are soooo many ways to care for baby and bond. In my situation, I ended up pumping because I worked and DH would pick baby up from the sitters on some days so that he could give him a bottle (as well as the older 2 siblings). I tried to be understanding, but the fact was - I was the one responsible for feeding the baby, and that did NOT take away from the importance of dad in baby's life. He eventually realized that he was the one that had DS1 laughing at a young age.

    I did have to put my foot down on how DS would be fed - as in no bottles right before I came home or when we went out. That if I was home or with baby, that he would be eating from the tap. I made breastfeeding non-negotiable. Acknowledge his feelings, and try to point him in other directions. I am happy to report on baby #2 he hasn't said a word and I think finally realized that he can get a tad more sleep at night with me nursing lol.

    Good luck momma...
    FT working momma to a 9/11/10 busy boy and 11/13/12 happy little man.
    Also wife to hubs since 8/23/08, bonus momma to H (girl) -99 and G (boy)-03

  5. #15

    Default Re: Finding a Balance

    Well, I've realized that the real issue probably surrounds control and/or jealousy. I give the baby *very* limited amounts of formula, upon LC recommendations, and he sometimes gives him these bottles. But he really wants to be able to make decisions... I don't think that there is a balance possible. If it was up to him, he would give DS 6 oz per feeding (he already has) and he would be EFF. He has made derogatory comments such as "you look like a cow" and "he's a titty-baby". ...... calling La Leche League tomorrow in order to keep my sanity! Thankful for a place for support/venting.

  6. #16
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Northern Virginia
    Posts
    617

    Default Re: Finding a Balance

    I am highly concerned about those comments from your DH. That is emotionally abusive, not just derogatory. If my DH said something like that, he'd be moving into the Comfort Inn down the road pronto. You may need to consider counseling if it seems like DH is trying to sabotage your BFing efforts. From what you're saying, he is not working with you on this, and I can't imagine it's going to get better as your baby gets older, because I suspect he'll be pressuring you to wean early. Even supportive husbands are guilty of that. Please keep a strong head about this. This is one area where you are doing what's right, so you can feel confident in that.
    Mom to my sweet little "Pooper," born 10/12/11, and "Baby Brother," born 6/23/2014, and married to heavy metal husband. Working more than full-time, making healthy vegetarian meals for family, and trying to keep up with exercise routine.

  7. #17
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    21,371

    Default Re: Finding a Balance

    If you can, find a calm time of day when neither one of you are too stressed or tired, and tell your DH exactly what you need. I suggest making the following points:
    1. He is a wonderful dad and partner.
    2. You know that the arrival of the new baby has thrown some turmoil into your relationship, and you know that has been difficult for both of you.
    3. You need his support during this time.
    4. Support means no sneaking formula bottles behind your back. Even though his other kids- who are wonderful!- were EFF, that is not how YOU, the MOM, want to feed this child.
    5. Support means no more derogatory comments like "You look like a cow" or "He's a titty-baby." Even if he thinks those comments are funny, they are not. They are hurtful.
    6. Once breastfeeding is going better, the two of you can revisit the bottle issue and perhaps incorporate some bottle-feedings into your day.
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  8. #18
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    COUGARTOWN Baby! From here on in!
    Posts
    17,469

    Default Re: Finding a Balance

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*mommal View Post
    .
    6. Once breastfeeding is going better, the two of you can revisit the bottle issue and perhaps incorporate some bottle-feedings into your day.
    Bottles of YOUR milk.

    Way too lazy for formula

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