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Thread: Thinking about adopting a baby boy

  1. #1
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    Mar 2012
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    Default Thinking about adopting a baby boy

    I wasn't sure where to post this...

    I have three little girls, 5, 4, and 10 months. Through family and friends we heard of a woman who wants to give her baby boy up for adoption. Due on Feb 16th. We were thinking about adopting him so that he doesn't have to go into some system. But I don't know anything about the systems. Or what to expect when adopting. The girl wants to know very soon if we want him or not.

    I don't know what to do. I am capable of having more children when we are ready. But I don't want to feel as if I'm abandoning the baby also. I would also rather that he go to a childless family that has no hope of having their own child, but everytime I say this I'm told that he will be put into the system.

    We also live with my parents in a three bedroom house. So we would need to add on to this house or move out. On top of all that my parents are both having health problems and if the time comes I will be taking care of them also. So with all of this in the air my mind can't seem to settle down enough to think clearly...

    Any thoughts opinions facts on adopting that anybody can share would be appreciated. THANKS!
    Mother of 3 beautiful girls, and expecting baby number 4 in July

    Elisabeth ~ 9/25/07
    Eliana ~ 1/08/09
    Elivia ~ 1/22/12 ~ EBF

    with all 3 still

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Thinking about adopting a baby boy

    My personal opinion is that you should adopt when you want to add a child to your family, not when you feel guilt based on the child going into the system. That said, Is there a reason you feel pulled toward this child? There are kids every day that end up in the system, so why this LO?

    ETA: (I second Mommal's open adoption suggestion below. The options for placing a newborn are out there and the mother-to-be can explore them.)
    Last edited by @llli*aphimama; December 13th, 2012 at 08:57 AM.

  3. #3
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    May 2006
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    Default Re: Thinking about adopting a baby boy

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*aphimama View Post
    My personal opinion is that you should adopt when you want to add a child to your family, not when you feel guilt based on the child going into the system.
    This.

    Does the mom-to-be think that if you don't take the baby, the baby will have to go into "some system"? Like the state foster care system? Or some sort of traditional closed adoption, in which the birth mom will never see or have contact with her child? Because that isn't true. If she's interested in placing her baby with another family, she should check out open adoption: http://www.openadoption.org/
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  4. #4
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    Apr 2009
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    Default Re: Thinking about adopting a baby boy

    A newborn baby born in this country shold get adopted very quick. IN fact, I have freinds who are AMAZING and have been waiting to adopt a child for over 6 years now. They would be perfect candidates, SERIOUSLY if this girl is in need of a family for her kids PLEASE PM me I will send you my freinds info.

    My friends have no kids and are infertile, these are the type of people you want to have kids, I know what wonderful parents they will make.

    Please PM me, even if it isnt in our neck of the woods, they will make arrangements!!!
    Mommy of 4,
    3 who I watch over, 1 who watches over all of us

    J- 8/20/05 pumped breastmilk for 11 months due to his cleft lip and palate!

    M- 10/17/07 my precious baby lives forever in her mommys heart

    M- 3/31/09 my special gift, she helps heal her mommy and daddys heart. Nursed for 4 years and 10 days, self weaned the day her baby brother was born!

    E-, new little miracle born 4/11/13, my BIG baby! Born 8.6 at 38 weeks. At 9 weeks nearly 17lbs, at 12 weeks nearly 20lbs, at 6 months nearly 23lbs, at 8 months nearly 25lbs and all from BREASTMILK


  5. #5
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    Default Re: Thinking about adopting a baby boy

    As a social worker who has worked with kids who have been in "the system," I could never be excited about the idea of a child going into the system, especially if there are other alternatives. BUT, I also wouldn't be excited about the idea of the baby going into a family that, though so generous to open their home, really isn't ready for another addition to the family and commit out of fear and/or guilt.

    As some of the previous posters have mentioned, there is a high demand for infants in the US. There are so many resources that can help this girl connect with the RIGHT adoptive family and there are so many possible scenarios (open, partially open, etc.) that she can select what is right for her and the baby and the other family. I would be more than happy to send you information on some great agencies that would work with her (no cost for her!). (And, I also know 2 families that would be interested if she wanted to go that route).

    Based on your original post, I think the best think you can do for this baby is to provide some support for the mom to get connected with people who can help her get her baby to the right parents. There is no reason to think that the options are you or "the system."

  6. #6
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    Default Re: Thinking about adopting a baby boy

    My SIL and her husband have been trying to adopt a child for the last couple of years. If you think this mama would be interested I'd be very happy to be able to send you her contact info.
    “We are not put on earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.”
    --Anonymous

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Thinking about adopting a baby boy

    I would love to adopt a child. I wouldn't adopt if you're not ready for another baby in your family. There are sooooooo many couples with loving homes who are aching for a baby.
    Nursed my sweet daughter 3 years, 3 mos.

  8. #8
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    Default Re: Thinking about adopting a baby boy

    Thank you all for the advise! The one reason my husband was interested in adopting him was because he is a boy and we have 3 girls. When I mentioned finding a family who couldn't have a child I was basically ignored. It was as if the only options were us or going into a system or adoption agency or something where he would stay for months before being allowed to go home to a family. So when I started to give in to my husband, not to hard becaues I do love babies and want to have another, they started passing the numbers around and I was able to speak to the mom.

    The reason it is this little boy we were considering and not any of the others already in foster care was because he was brought to our attention and my husband has always wanted to adopt a child. I mentioned it to my husband that there are so many other kids and babies in the same situations, sometimes worse I think when they are older and have no family to call their own.
    I agree that we shouldn't adopt before we are ready and I don't think we should adopt an infant when I'm able and willing to have another child of my own. I would rather those children go to a home that would otherwise never be blessed with a baby. (My butt of a husband made a comment about me being heartless basically because I was turning down the chance to adopt him )
    She wants an open adoption so she can know how he is doing. She had one childless family set up who were able to adopt sooner. So they started to look around and her moms friends ex husband is my daughters Grandpa and they wanted either him and his wife to adopt him (they already have 5 grown, 1 foster, 6 grandkids, and 1 grandbaby on the way ) or us. Every time a mentioned my husband friend from work who recently found out they wouldn't be able to have children I was shot down. So I started considering adopting him. But when I spoke with her I mentioned our friends and she was very happy to talk to them (nobody even mentioned it to her ) . Currently it seems as if they are going to adopt him, and they were very excited about the chance. So currently I think that he has a home. But if anything changes I will speak to the girl and let her know about everyone who is interested and the different options she has to find a good family for her son.

    Thank you all again. If anything changes I will let her know about everyone.
    Mother of 3 beautiful girls, and expecting baby number 4 in July

    Elisabeth ~ 9/25/07
    Eliana ~ 1/08/09
    Elivia ~ 1/22/12 ~ EBF

    with all 3 still

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May 2012
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    168

    Default Re: Thinking about adopting a baby boy

    It sounds like you made a great connection for the mom and the family you know and I hope it works out well for everyone. Adoption can be a really wonderful thing for everyone.

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*sugarfoot289 View Post
    The reason it is this little boy we were considering and not any of the others already in foster care was because he was brought to our attention and my husband has always wanted to adopt a child. I agree that we shouldn't adopt before we are ready and I don't think we should adopt an infant when I'm able and willing to have another child of my own. I would rather those children go to a home that would otherwise never be blessed with a baby.
    There are lots of different "kinds" of families that adopt--those without any children, those with, those who can biologically have children and those that can't. The important think in deciding to adopt isn't whether you have kids or CAN have kids, but whether you are ready to add to your family, want to do it in this way, and are aware of the challenges that can come with adoption and willing to deal with these. I think I understand what you are trying to say in this bit of your post, but I just want you to be assured that families who CAN biologically have children are NOT taking children away from childless, infertile couples when they adopt. I think the pps were cautioning you because you don't seem ready and seemed motivated by guilt. Sadly, the situation both in the US and globally is that there is no concern that there aren't enough children for the people who want them. Yes, there are families who wait long times to adopt, but that is because they have "criteria" that they want to be met in the adoptive child (i.e., white, American, newborn, no disabilities, etc.). The biological parents, when choosing adoption through an agency, also choose the parents and they may have requirements (e.g., specific religion, careers/education of the adoptive parents, other children in the home, etc.). It's a pretty complex system but there is a NEED for adoptive parents.

    Anyway, it sounds like both you and your husband are very loving people and you have a very good heart to care about this baby. If your husband really has an interest in adoption, I'd encourage you both to make an appointment with an adoption counselor at a local adoption agency to learn more about adoption. There's a lot more to it than people realize and how it is often viewed outside adoption circles. The appointment wouldn't commit you to anything, but would let you get some information so you two can make a well informed decision in the future about how to expand your family.

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