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Thread: Wedding & Nursing Baby (part 2)

  1. #1

    Default Wedding & Nursing Baby (part 2)

    I know this thread is old, but this thread is why I joined today. My husband is the best man in a wedding. We've already expressed a desire to bring my 4 1/2 month old, but the bride wants to keep it "no kids", even though their 1 year old son is in the wedding. It's an evening wedding/reception. I nurse my son to sleep & throughout the night as needed. There is no pattern or routine with him, so I can't go when I think it's safe. He could wake up at any time. I've been struggling to get him to nap during the day & sleep longer at night, but no predictability yet.. Those who don't exclusively breastfeed may not understand how a baby develops preferences. This is not a criticism of their choices. I, however, feel tremendous guilt & criticism for mine. I don't want to just leave my son knowing he will be excessively crying with my mom. I just can't.

    Is this a common problem among nursing mothers? The wedding is 2 days away & I still don't know what to do. We've already told them I may not be able to attend the reception. However with the way my son cries with my mother I really feel uncomfortable leaving him for the ceremony too. Reason being- the ceremony starts around his bedtime & he simply wants me at bedtime.

    Why do I feel guilt & shame when I should feel proud of my choices? There are certainly a number of "tough love" followers out there that are cornering me. I'm also afraid of how this will affect my husband's friendship with the groom. Thoughts or experiences anyone?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    21,368

    Default Re: Wedding & Nursing Baby

    This sort of thing is definitely a challenge for nursing moms! People just don't realize that having children sometimes means you can't go where you want, when you want. The kids' needs come first. I've missed a couple of weddings and other celebrations because I am not leaving my kids with a sitter, particularly at bedtime. The way I look at it is, if someone really wants the pleasure of my company, then they have to accept that at this point I am "plus 2". Children, that is.

    The bride and groom have a 1 year-old. Hopefully that means they are a little more tuned in to children and their needs than a childless couple, and will be understanding if you cannot attend all or part of their big day. As for the "tough love" folks who are cornering you, I would simply smile and say "It's not up for discussion. If I want your opinion, I will ask for it. Thanks!". If they press further, I would ask them why they care. It's not their wedding.
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    138

    Default Re: Wedding & Nursing Baby

    First of all, I think you need to remember that weddings can be very consuming and I don't see that the bride is trying to judge or criticize you for your choice to breastfeed. In dealing with all of the flowers, dress fittings, music, etc., I doubt she's got the fact that you're exclusively breastfeeding anywhere near her mind.

    My daughter is only a little older than your son, but I've had to accept that there are things that I'm going to have to miss. I know it's hard, though.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    45

    Default Re: Wedding & Nursing Baby

    Just thought I'd add my 2 cents based on a recent experience. I'm a first time mom and I attended a wedding this summer with my then 5 month old. I was a member of the wedding party and even though the wedding was mostly adults only, my friend made an exception for a few recent parents. It turned out to be the most stressful unhappy event of my life. Sorry, this is not an uplifting post! Basically, the venue and family of the bride were very unwelcoming and unaccomodating, which made me bitter since I treked across the country with my daughter in order to attend. Even though it was a huge venue I nursed in the car in a parking lot. I was terrified that my baby would make a peep or do something baby like in front of the bride's family.

    In the future I will only be attending family friendly affairs with my baby - otherwise we'll probably just stay home!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    Default Re: Wedding & Nursing Baby

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*luvmykids315 View Post
    I know this thread is old, but this thread is why I joined today. My husband is the best man in a wedding. We've already expressed a desire to bring my 4 1/2 month old, but the bride wants to keep it "no kids", even though their 1 year old son is in the wedding. It's an evening wedding/reception. I nurse my son to sleep & throughout the night as needed. There is no pattern or routine with him, so I can't go when I think it's safe. He could wake up at any time. I've been struggling to get him to nap during the day & sleep longer at night, but no predictability yet.. Those who don't exclusively breastfeed may not understand how a baby develops preferences. This is not a criticism of their choices. I, however, feel tremendous guilt & criticism for mine. I don't want to just leave my son knowing he will be excessively crying with my mom. I just can't.

    Is this a common problem among nursing mothers? The wedding is 2 days away & I still don't know what to do. We've already told them I may not be able to attend the reception. However with the way my son cries with my mother I really feel uncomfortable leaving him for the ceremony too. Reason being- the ceremony starts around his bedtime & he simply wants me at bedtime.

    Why do I feel guilt & shame when I should feel proud of my choices? There are certainly a number of "tough love" followers out there that are cornering me. I'm also afraid of how this will affect my husband's friendship with the groom. Thoughts or experiences anyone?
    The thing is someone else's weddding is not about YOU and your choices. It's about the Bride pretty much and the way she wants her day to go. And A LOT of brides don't want kids at their wedding and we ALL deserve to have our wedding day go the way we want. If they have a one year old together they totally get to say My kid who is in the wedding get's to be here and no one elses kids. You either respect the brides spelled out wishes or you don't go. It not that hard. Just remember it's not about you. I never went ANYWHERE without out my kid like that. Like I never spent the night away from him until he was 6. And passed on my Husbands Christmas party for 3 years rather than leave my kid with someone. It's just a choice that YOU MAKE as a breastfeeding mother. No one else has to understand it. But making that choice for your family doesn't make it OK to impose that choice on anyone else. If on someone's wedding day they choose to have a child free party, they get to make that choice. You, if you are invited have a choice. To participate without your child or not. But choosing NOT to participate doesn't make you a victim. It just makes you a mother who prioritizes being with your baby over social events at the moment. And that's fine. But don't try to put your reasons for wanting your son with you on the people getting married. That isn't fair. Just respect their decision and send your DH and stay with your kid if the idea of leaving you is torturing you.

    Way too lazy for formula

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
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    1,110

    Default Re: Wedding & Nursing Baby

    with djs.mom

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    1,293

    Default Re: Wedding & Nursing Baby

    i just dont go where i cant be with my son right now. and if other people get upset or try to make me feel bad well that's not my concern.

    even with big events like weddings, you just need to decide where you want to be. for me its with my son right now. soon enough he will be older.

    just go with what you feel.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    5,924

    Default Re: Wedding & Nursing Baby

    wow this is an old thread! But here is my experience anyway...

    When my husband and I got married we made our wedding no kids younger than 12. Our wedding was in the evening but was pretty small and not formal or traditional at all. Plus both ceremony and reception were in the same place-a venue I realize now had lots of safe places for moms to take loud kids or nurse in private if they chose.

    I believe this restriction prevented more than one family from coming. I knew absolutely nothing about babies or children or the stresses of parenthood at the time, all I thought about was being afraid that our carefully thought out non-traditional ceremony and wedding vows would be ruined by screaming toddlers running amok. But now I very much regret having this restriction.

    How I wish now that I had done things differently! But I do think that if a parent had called me up and explained to me about how a baby can be very quiet in arms, and what their plan would be if baby DID start to scream, and why they would not be able to attend without their baby, I THINK I would have made exceptions. At least, I like to think so.

    I have since attended two weddings with a nursing baby and one with a nursing toddler and it's always been fine. I DO check with the bride before hand, and have a plan for where to nurse/change baby/deal with tantrum throwing child etc.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Wedding & Nursing Baby

    I disagree with you Meg. When I got married I was 22. I also didn't know anything about kids. Except that they could often be heard crying in church at ceremonies I had been to where they WERE allowed and younger children in my family were notorious for wasting both food and beverages. I made a decision that several of my cousins that had gotten married before me has also made and we were all quite happy with the results. The weeks before my wedding as most people getting married I was a stress cadet. My dress wasn't right, I had my DH's parents with us, the last thing I needed was to be put on the spot by one of my 100 guests asking for a special exemption for what was a very clearly addressed request in the invites we sent out. I don't think calling up the bride and saying that you are somehow special....I think that really puts the bride in an awkward position. Like even if she says yes it might be because she feels put on the spot. And I don't think that is cool. She shouldn't have to tell people she doesn't want kids at her wedding more than once.

    Way too lazy for formula

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    5,924

    Default Re: Wedding & Nursing Baby

    i'm sorry if i was not clear. when i said i check with the bride, i just meant i ask if kids are welcome, to be sure. In all cases the weddings required overnight or several days travel so being able to bring my child or not was kind of a deal breaker, but in all cases the brides were fine with baby coming. (two were friends, one a SIL).

    i like to think my wedding was unique, so maybe my experience was as well! But i honestly do wish i'd done things differently. I just remembered that, some time prior to our wedding, another of my husband's many sisters was married in a huge church wedding. A loud toddler who was the brides (and my future husbands) niece made me so crazy i offered to take her outside and did (this probably colored my decision to say no kids for our wedding) but later at the reception the bride was surprised when i mentioned the tantrum and told me she did not even notice the child's cries. deafened by love, perhaps?

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