Happy Mothers Breastfed Babies
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 25

Thread: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Austin, TX
    Posts
    465

    Default Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    Hello all. Need a little support/encouragement from moms who've been there ... apologies for the long post, thanks in advance for your reading & responses.

    My 4 month old sleeps from about 8pm-8am, waking to eat 3-5 times at night. We've always kept baby in our room (pack-n-play with bassinet), and nursed side-lying at night, but when I started back to work last month, I bought a guardrail for our bed and embraced early bedtime and co-sleeping as a daily habit. I never expected to be a co-sleeping parent, but I also never imagined how hard it would be to balance baby & job ... and sharing sleep just plain works. The difference has been huge. Baby sleeps more continuously (he basically feeds half-asleep), and even though I wake intermittently throughout the night, I feel much more rested and capable during my days. I also have surprised myself by how much I enjoy sleeping side-by-side with baby ... like a nice long cuddle that reconnects us after the work day.

    So here's the problem. As great as co-sleeping is for me and baby, I feel like I am neglecting my husband. I should say he has never voiced ANY criticism of my decision to co-sleep, because we are both very committed to breastfeeding and he understands the demands it puts on me at night -- he basically says to me, "you're the one whose sleep is compromised, so you need to do what works." But I know that if I were to press him on it, he is not thrilled by the baby in the bed. My husband and I have a great partnership around taking care of baby, and we still talk and laugh together just as much as ever, but the physical intimacy aspect of our relationship has been nonexistent since baby was born. Obviously part of that is us being pretty tired all the time, and also the hormonal changes of breastfeeding have kind of killed my sex drive. But even beyond sex -- choosing to co-sleep means I'm cuddling with baby all night, not with hubby, so we miss out on even that non-sexual intimacy. I feel like my decision to co-sleep changed our marital bed into a family bed, and even though we're just doing what we have to in order to get through this tough time, and it's not a permanent shift for me (when baby can sleep longer, I'd like to move him to his own sleeping space again), it's still a costly trade-off even if short-term.

    Hubby is not putting any pressure on me, but I know he misses me physically, and I miss it too ... but the night time feeding & sleeping issues just take precedence for me right now, since it directly impacts our daily functioning. But I worry about how long we will need to continue this routine. Until baby is sleeping longer stretches and drops some night nursings (which I want to let him do on his own schedule), I can't manage without co-sleeping ... but then what happens if this lasts another 3 months? or 6 months? What can I do to ensure everyone gets sleep, but also tend to the intimacy of my marriage? Feeling pulled in more directions than I can manage :/

    If anyone else has been in the same spot and made it through to the other side, I'd love know how you managed and what you did to balance it all. Thanks.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    SoCal
    Posts
    6,467

    Default Re: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    Well I have coslept with both kids and have a DH who supports it. But we also make couple time a priority. I always wonder about people who tell me they like having sex so they'd never sleep with baby...my reply is that I like having sex too, on the floor, couch, guestroom, shower, car stairwell....you get my drift. If I were you, I'd continue to co sleep and make time outside of the bed for intimacy with DH
    Mommy to Maxwell 10-9-07 weaned with love (a party and a remote control monster truck) on his 4th birthday
    My Boy 3-16-10
    And my sweet pea Sam 2-12-11

    Watch Your Language

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    miles from nowhere
    Posts
    11,108

    Default Re: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    You continue as long as it's working for you. When it's not working any more, when the costs outweigh the benefits, you find new ways.

    I know where, you're coming from and I understand your concern, but really you've answered your own question. When this stops being true: "the night time feeding & sleeping issues just take precedence for me right now, since it directly impacts our daily functioning" is when you start looking for ways to change it. Your husband is a grown up and he understands that sacrifice is necessary and sometimes his needs have to be put off (appreciate that, because not all partners 'get it'). But your baby doesn't (and shouldn't) understand putting off his needs. And fortunately his needs are short term (even if it seems like forever while you're going through it). Some day you might even look back and miss this time because it really does pass you by like a flash.

    As for what you can do to tend to the intimacy of your marriage...well that doesn't always have to take place in a bed. Again, you have to find what works for you. We used to take time right after I'd put my daughter down, before she woke up to be fed the first time. Some people steal time in the morning. Depends on your schedule. But it's worth making the effort even when you're tired and don't really feel like it. If your husband is missing that intimacy, even if he hasn't said anything, he'll certainly appreciate it. Lots of new moms, cosleeping and not, have a hard time getting their libido back. If you can, it's worth a shot at 'fake it till you make it.'
    “We are not put on earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.”
    --Anonymous

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    2,626

    Default Re: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    There is plenty you can do with your husband and still co-sleep so you can get sleep at night. You can have your baby go to sleep on a blanket on the floor in the living room and then go to the bedroom to have sex, we did that at that age, or go to another room while your baby stays asleep in your bed. You can still snuggle and touch outside of specific time for sex, which I think is really important for my marriage, too.
    Nursed my sweet daughter 3 years, 3 mos.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Northern Virginia
    Posts
    539

    Default Re: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    I feel conflicted about that, too, at times. Our DD starts out in her crib for part of the night (usually comes in a few hours after going to sleep, depending on how many wake-ups she has), which was helps a lot. We didn't start putting her in there until about 6 months or later, and it was a very slow transition. She still wakes up after about a half hour the first time, but goes back to sleep easily. We needed that time in her crib when I went back to work so I could get some things ready for the next day (get my lunch together, clothes, etc.). We have tried to use that as our intimate time now, but I have to say most of the time I try to schedule it (just because I feel that's the only way!) my DH actually says, "I'm too tired. Let's watch TV." which I find funny. We have discussed it, and we figure we had time together before she was born (we were together 11 years, though) and she won't want to sleep in the bed with me forever, so we've just decided to not obsess about it. We'll have plenty of alone time before we know it. As long as your relationship is good, just make attempts when you can and don't fret. At least your DH is supportive -- having a confident man is very helpful!
    Mom to my sweet little "Pooper," born 10/12/11, and "Baby Brother," born 6/23/2014, and married to heavy metal husband. Working more than full-time, making healthy vegetarian meals for family, and trying to keep up with exercise routine.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    20,860

    Default Re: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*Jenna562 View Post
    If I were you, I'd continue to co sleep and make time outside of the bed for intimacy with DH
    We can get kind of set in our ways when it comes to expressing intimacy. My DH and I went through a period where I felt like we hardly talked- and the real issue was that we had switched the couch configuration and now there was no comfy place for me to sit in the living room while he sprawled out on the couch. Once we moved a chair for me into the living room, we were suddenly sitting together after the kids went to be, talking, joking, trading sections of the paper...

    Sometimes you just have to adjust the WHERE and WHEN of your intimate connection with your spouse. And that doesn't just mean you have to be getting freaky on the roof - just that you might want to lie in bed with him for a while before you move into bed with the baby, or share a glass of wine in the living room, or sit on the porch with the baby monitor on.
    Coolest thing my big girl said recently: "How can you tell the world is moving when you are standing on it?"
    Coolest thing my little girl sang recently: "I love dat one-two pupples!"

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    6,564

    Default Re: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    mommal. The roof.

    This is a short time in your life. Even if you cosleep for 3 years (not saying you will), it's a short time over a marriage. As long as you continue to reconnect with your husband outside of the hours that you are sleeping, then your marriage will be fine. And kudos to your DH for saying that whatever gets you the most sleep is the way to go.
    Tracie

    Mommy to
    Lilah 10/08 nursed 25 months
    Beatrix 01/11 nursed 30 months

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    1,501

    Default Re: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    A couple ideas...Have a bassinet/small crib where you can lay the baby to sleep for the first stretch at night. This will give you and your hubby some snuggle time when you first go to bed, but then your lo will be welcome to join you in bed after he wakes for his first feeding (or if he just wants to be closer to you).

    As far as actual sex goes...Who ever said you have to do it in the same place you sleep? Get creative

    Okay, just read all the replies after writing the above. It's a little redundant now, but I'm going to post it anyway for reinforcement
    ~Sylvia~

    Wife to Nick, m. May 2005

    Mommy to Gabriel (b. January 2007, 8lbs. 15oz.), nursed 18 months.

    Isaac (b. August 2009, 9lbs. 1oz- naturally), nursed 22 months, through PPD/PPA and emergency gallbladder surgery.

    and Corban (b. March 2012, 11lbs. 6Oz.- naturally in the water), my NICU baby, still nursing strong at age 2!


    Daughter of God

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    Atlanta
    Posts
    14

    Default Re: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    Our baby sleeps in her crib in our room most of the night. I bring her to our bed 2 or 3x a night to feed her, but then she goes back. This is HER choice, btw. For some strange reason, she will not sleep in our bed. Anyway...our issue isn't having a place to DTD, it's having the energy. SO works until 11-12 most nights and we're both so tired by the time he gets home. But we're both home in the afternoon most days, so we've started doing it then. So you may have to step outside your comfort zone a little bit, but you'll find your groove!

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    middle of IA
    Posts
    1,885

    Default Re: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*still.here View Post
    As for what you can do to tend to the intimacy of your marriage...well that doesn't always have to take place in a bed. Again, you have to find what works for you. We used to take time right after I'd put my daughter down, before she woke up to be fed the first time. Some people steal time in the morning. Depends on your schedule. But it's worth making the effort even when you're tired and don't really feel like it. If your husband is missing that intimacy, even if he hasn't said anything, he'll certainly appreciate it. Lots of new moms, cosleeping and not, have a hard time getting their libido back. If you can, it's worth a shot at 'fake it till you make it.'
    i could've written that, too. we have many beds in the house - a full futon in baby's room (where baby never is!), a guest bed in the office. so as soon as i was able to start sneaking away after DS goes down at night (maybe around a year?) things really picked up.

    we never really slept on the same schedule pre-baby, so it wasn't such a huge adjustment as it is for others. i just keep reminding myself, this is a short phase in our baby's life where the baby comes first. and as a working mom (DH stays home with DS), i really really need that nighttime togetherness, not only for sleep but also for cuddles.
    DS1 6/7/11
    DS2 10/29/13

    Nursing, pumping, cloth-diapering, babywearing, working professor mama with the awesomest SAHD ever.

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •