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Thread: How do you do it? *vent*

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
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    2,539

    Default How do you do it? *vent*

    I went back to work on Sunday night and I feel like it was a mistake.

    I have been pumping to build up a supply and now have about 100 oz frozen. I set everything up for my DH so that all he had to do was run the EBM under some warm water. I kept on attempting to show/tell him some tips to keep Mason happy (sling, walking, bouncing, sleeping positions, the list goes on). I had even asked my DH to take Mason for a few hours of "practice" in preparation of going back. But I was met with a from DH saying that they "would be fine". I told DH my fear is that of Mason crying, screaming and DH not being able to comfort him. Please don't get me wrong, DH is a great father, but he and Mason had never spent more than 2 hours alone with each other and more importantly Mason and I have never spent more than 2 hours away from each other. I asked my DH to please call me at work if he was having any trouble/questions. I know that may seem like I was over reacting but I wanted DH to know that I was available to help and that it was okay to call.

    On Sunday night (rather Monday morning) at around 2:30 am I got a call from DH saying (over Masons screams in the background) that they were having a "tough time". I was able to go home for my lunch break at 3:00 am to try to nurse him back to sleep. When I got there, he was passed out from exhaustion . I don't practice or believe in crying it out so this completely broke me down. I then found out that Mason had been crying since 11:00 pm! DH said that he knew that if he had called me as soon as I got to work that I would not be able to concentrate (he's right). He obviously tried everything to comfort him by the trail of slings, bottles, toys, even the swing came out! I know that what he wanted, what he NEEDED, was not there. I am crying right now just thinking about this.

    It is not yet an option for me to be a SAHM right now. It may be in about 6 months to a year, but he needs me now. I guess I want to know how other moms do it? I knew it would difficult for me to return to work but this seems ridiculous and cruel for all involved especially to my LO.

    I am going to work next Friday, Saturday, and Sunday (I only work 3 nights a week). Any suggestions would be great. I think I just need some support-I am feeling like I'm failing my son. TIA.
    -Maria

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    290

    Default Re: How do you do it? *vent*

    You are doing what you need to do and what is best for your family. I know the first time I left ds with dh it was just about the same story, it was really hard. But after a few times with dh it is amazing how different the story is. I think it is really hard for our husbands at first and they really are not confident in what they're doing, but as time goes by your hubby and lo will get more comfortable with each other. The first time is always the hardest but have confidence in your husband and this will help him to have confidence in himself and ds will get used to being with his daddy. You are doing the best you can do, don't doubt yourself, it WILL get easier.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
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    1,712

    Default Re: How do you do it? *vent*

    Don't have much in the way of advice but want you to know, you are a good Mom. It's hard, I'm sure. Maybe if DH does the comforting at night even when you are home, the few nights you are away, won't be as traumatic. I'm sure he will get better! Best wishes.

  4. #4

    Default Re: How do you do it? *vent*

    When I first went back to work, it was awful - the worst feeling in the world is to walk away from your tiny baby crying for you. And as harsh as it sounds, what got me thru it was telling myself that it was tough to hear her cry for me, but it would be tougher to hear her cry because she was cold because we couldn't afford heat, or hungry and I couldn't afford food. Sometimes you do have to work and I know it feels terrible right now, but it will get better. You are doing what's best for your baby, just keep telling yourself that.

  5. #5

    Default Re: How do you do it? *vent*

    Sometimes fathers have to learn how to soothe their babies, and babies have to learn to accept soothing from their father. It's a learning curve, just like it was with mothers. Remember back when your baby was a newborn, didn't you ever have a time or two when your baby cried, and you just couldn't figure it out? It's heartbreaking for all involved, and there's nothing we can do. We try it all, but nothing works. We just have to keep trying, until we can learn what baby needs.

    A similar situation is probably going on here. Daddy is learning how to interact with his child, and the child is learning how to react to daddy. It's another learning curve. Again, heartbreaking for all involved. Baby knows that daddy loves him and cares for him, he's just still not sure exactly what daddy's attempts at soothing him mean. Daddy will learn what works for him. And, what works for you soothing baby may not work for daddy. Daddy may have to learn some completely different techniques than you are used to using. These techniques aren't bad, just different.

    You're a great mommy. This will get better.
    Shannon
    LLL Leader

    Protect your privacy online; don't use your full name. Click My Alias at the top left corner.

    I'm horrible at html and encoding links, so I apologize in advance for all the long links!

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Oklahoma
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    6,745

    Default Re: How do you do it? *vent*

    Quote Originally Posted by LLLShannon View Post
    Baby knows that daddy loves him and cares for him, he's just still not sure exactly what daddy's attempts at soothing him mean. Daddy will learn what works for him. And, what works for you soothing baby may not work for daddy. Daddy may have to learn some completely different techniques than you are used to using. These techniques aren't bad, just different.
    I agree! DF is able to comfort our LO because he does it while I'm here. At night (unless he has to open) he rocks DS to sleep... or walks, or whatever works for him. I don't worry about how it happens, as long as he calms down and is safe. It's only fair since I have to get up to nurse, that he get up to calm DS down. It works well for us.
    “Only with trust, faith, and support can the woman allow the birth experience to enlighten and empower her.” - Annie Kennedy & Penny Simkin

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    2,539

    Default Re: How do you do it? *vent*

    Thank you all so much. I think you are all right, DH and DS need some time to learn what works for them. We attempted to give a bottle of EBM tonight and were met with major meltdown! I will try tomarrow to just show him the bottle during play time a little throughout the day. I came upon a article on the Dr. Sears web site that says there is a window of oportunity to introduce the bottle during the first month and if you miss it, you are going to most likely have a hard time introducing it later (Wish I would have known that before) and it could take up to several weeks ! Lets just hope that is not the case Again thank you all for the support and for reminding me that I didn't always know what my LO wanted or how he wanted to be comforted...It is just going to take a little time and patients on all our parts.
    to all-Maria

  8. #8

    Default Re: How do you do it? *vent*

    Sometimes, trying to give a bottle to baby while mother is in the house just doesn't work. Baby knows that his mother (and her breasts) are around, and that he can get the milk straight from the source. So, he'll refuse the bottle. If you decided to take a walk, or go fill up the car with gas, or something, when it's nearing time for baby to eat, introducing the bottle may have more success. There are more tips here: http://www.lalecheleague.org/FAQ/bottle.html
    Shannon
    LLL Leader

    Protect your privacy online; don't use your full name. Click My Alias at the top left corner.

    I'm horrible at html and encoding links, so I apologize in advance for all the long links!

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Posts
    36

    Default Re: How do you do it? *vent*

    Your DH is great, amazing that he tried so hard to soothe your LO, before calling you. You are doing great, trust your DH and they will build a wonderful relationship.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    82

    Default Re: How do you do it? *vent*

    As absolutely painful as this is right now, in the long run this is so good for DS AND DH. When I went back to work I kept telling myself I wanted DS to be comfortable with other people...to be a social little guy(trying to rationalize!). At 5 months he used to scream with DH and anyone else he was with for a prolonged period of time, but now at nearly 6 months he is happy with grandma, auntie, DH, Nanni and others who are friendly with him!
    Besides you, there is no one better than your husband to care for your baby. Rest assured he is with someone who loves him, and be THANKFUL that you are able to be home with your baby part-time and keep him at home with Daddy when you are working. That is a blessing!

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