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Thread: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

  1. #21
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
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    rockford,il
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    Default Re: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    Real quick before I sneak away for some couch time with dh besides utilizing all rooms of our house about once a month we get a babysitter and take ds to them after his nap. Tell them we're going to the movies or lunch but came home instead. Once we got a motel room bc FIL wanted to watch him at our house. Ds wakes as the light sleep stage hits around 45 min so that's the only way we get more than a quickie in. I didn't like it at first, mommy instincts were screaming at me but hubby and I do need the alone time. And the full body massages I get are worth it!

  2. #22
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    Jun 2012
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    Austin, TX
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    465

    Default Re: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    Thanks all for weighing in. It's not really about sex. I used the word "intimacy" for a broader meaning, of which sex is just one part. This advice especially was really helpful to me:

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*still.here View Post
    You continue as long as it's working for you. When it's not working any more, when the costs outweigh the benefits, you find new ways. I know where, you're coming from and I understand your concern, but really you've answered your own question. When this stops being true: "the night time feeding & sleeping issues just take precedence for me right now, since it directly impacts our daily functioning" is when you start looking for ways to change it. Your husband is a grown up and he understands that sacrifice is necessary and sometimes his needs have to be put off (appreciate that, because not all partners 'get it'). But your baby doesn't (and shouldn't) understand putting off his needs. And fortunately his needs are short term (even if it seems like forever while you're going through it).'
    That really made sense to me. And it gave me the courage to open up a conversation with my husband about this over the weekend. I asked him if, underneath it all, he has any unvoiced feelings about the cosleeping, or if he feels like I'm "choosing" baby over him. His response was such a relief to me: "No, I don't feel like the baby is taking away from me. Eli is part of our family now, and he is adding to it, not taking away from it." (I cannot even express how happy that makes me feel to hear him say that!) He was honest that at some point, he does want to get our bed back to ourselves, but he's not in a hurry to have that happen *right now* ... but, he does miss our snuggles. He hasn't wanted to pressure me about sex because he knows that it's still uncomfortable for me, but he does miss our cuddle time. So, we started talking about some other options for bedtime, like one of the suggestions here, putting baby in his bassinet for one additional sleep cycle and waiting until the next feeding to bring him into the bed, so we can get extra time to cuddle -- and as a trade off, hubby is willing to get up to get the baby at that later feeding and bring him to me. Last night, after we put the baby to bed, hubby asked me to come snuggle on the couch while we watched football-- so I think just the effort of having the conversation with him let him know I hadn't forgotten about him, and it opened up the space for us to prioritize adult time together, even for something as minor as 30 minutes of couch snuggles.

    And I guess I needed a little "tough love" around the sex stuff too. Everything feels really different physically since the birth (not in a good way), not to mention zero libido -- my OB says it's probably due to hormonal changes from breastfeeding, and that the discomfort should go away when we're not exclusively breastfeeding any more. But I probably do have to put a little more effort into "fake it till you make it" until then.

  3. #23
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
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    COUGARTOWN Baby! From here on in!
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    17,425

    Default Re: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    Lube and Wine. They are your friends. Most women experience discomfort from a lack of lubrication which is natures way of ensuring you don't get pregnant again too soon. And for most of us getting wet is mentally how we signal go time to ourselves. Lube works for this. It makes it much more comfortable and easier to get into the swing of things.

    Way too lazy for formula

  4. #24
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    miles from nowhere
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    11,108

    Default Re: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    Glad we could help, mama. And fwiw, I kind of love your husband right now.
    “We are not put on earth for ourselves, but are placed here for each other. If you are there always for others, then in time of need, someone will be there for you.”
    --Anonymous

  5. #25
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
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    Austin, TX
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    465

    Default Re: Conflicted about co-sleeping (baby v. hubby?)

    Quote Originally Posted by @llli*djs.mom View Post
    Lube and Wine. They are your friends.
    Tried that. Didn't work Oh well, patience is a virtue and all that ...

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